Connecting with your partner is not always easy. In a world of text messaging, long-distance relationships, and infinite distractions, fewer and fewer couples are having the meaningful conversations they want. This fact is particularly unfortunate because many people (women specifically) list “having deep conversations” as one of the biggest reasons they feel close to their partner.
If you crave the type of conversations that will have you and your beau closing down the coffee shop, this article is definitely for you. In it, we’ll suggest a myriad of deep questions to ask a guy, as well as help you understand how these conversations benefit your relationship. By the time you finish reading, you’ll have the knowledge, confidence, and talking points to turn any time with your guy into quality time.
How Good Conversation Builds Bonds
While it seems like common sense that partners who have deep, meaningful conversations would have a better understanding of each other, science also backs this up. When communication is limited to situational or superficial topics, men and women don’t discover the sort of things about each other that can help them grow closer. As far as good conversation, other benefits include:
Better Communication Overall
Like anything else, healthy communication takes practice. If you and your partner aren’t having deep, meaningful conversations with each other, you might notice that you also don’t understand each other during your day-to-day communications. If you take the time to really talk and – most importantly – really listen to your partner, your overall communication is sure to improve.
Better Understanding of Wants and Desires
Everyone has their private wants, desires, fears, and motivations. Though these can be hard to express outright, you can often infer them from deep conversations. In some cases, a person might not even know something deeply personal about themselves until a partner points it out to them. These revelations are the building blocks of a deep, intimate relationship.
Greater Understanding of Who Your Partner Is
It’s fair to assume that deep conversations will provide you with a greater understanding of who your partner is (and why). In many ways, talking about deep subjects is like peeling off layers of a person’s personality one by one. Have enough of them, and you will be able to understand them down to their very soul.
Greater Sense of Belonging
While the vast majority of people still crave money, fame, and material goods, science continues to tell us that forging deep interpersonal relationships is more critical to our overall happiness than anything else. The sense of understanding and – most importantly – belonging that comes with bearing your soul to your partner is hard to attain without deep conversations.
The Proper Way to Approach Deep Questions
If you’re reading this article, it’s fair to assume that you want to have in-depth conversations with your partner, but don’t know how to do it. This is a common problem, but you can easily remedy it with a little practice.
You might also want to consider employing some of the suggested topics on the list below. First, however, it’s essential to understand how to bring up these questions to facilitate the type of responses you want.
Don’t Be Pushy
The first thing you need to understand about having deep conversations is that you have to catch your partner at the right time. If they’re not feeling conversational or not feeling particularly philosophical at the time, you can’t push them to participate in the discussion. Instead, try to ease into the conversation with some less deep questions to see if they’re in the right mood.
Expect Them to Backfire Now and Then
The question you ask may result in a response you’re not ready for – maybe even an answer that negatively affects how you feel about your partner. This result is a risk you take when you begin probing who your significant other is on the inside rather than just the outside. Also, keep in mind that, in cases like these, it’s not always fair to expect them to change for you.
Don’t Use Them All at Once
If you crave conversation, that’s perfectly fine and understandable. However, you can’t just fire questions like these at your partner one after another. Also, if you ask these questions correctly, you can probably stretch the resulting discussions over an entire night. Ultimately, it’s best to use the questions sparingly and take the proper time to appreciate the results.
Know Your Audience
There are lots of deep questions to ask a guy, but not all of them are appropriate for every single person. If you suspect that a question you want to ask is more likely to upset or offend your partner than to spark a meaningful conversation, you might want to avoid it entirely. This strategy is especially true of topics like religion and politics, and those that might ignite past trauma.
Deep Questions to Ask a Guy
Below is our list of deep questions to ask a guy you like, your boyfriend, or even your husband. Remember, it’s never too late to introduce meaningful conversation into your relationship, as it can only help the two of you grow closer.
Do You Have a Philosophy on Life?
This example is quite possibly one of the most profound conversations you can have with another person, as it forces them to be at their most introspective. That said, this is a major “compatibility trigger,” as you are just as likely to find out something about your partner that indicates you shouldn’t be together as you are to find out the opposite.
From religion to philosophy to life experiences – all sorts of information can be gathered from this one conversation. It’s an important one, and it’s one that truly deserves a full night of discussion, with some coffee, tea, and a comfortable environment. As we said, ask this one with a bit of hesitation, because the answer can be one of a million different things.
If You Could Change One Thing About Yourself, What Would it Be?
Introspection is a valuable life skill, yet many people never reach the sort of emotional maturity where they can do so effectively. With this question, you can probe into how your partner truly feels about themselves without being accusatory or judgmental. Creating this sort of “safe space” when it comes to in-depth discussions is essential if you want to have more of them.
At its core, this question can seem superficial, but it is actually quite profound. When asking it, find a way to let your partner know that you honestly want to hear their answer. When they do start to answer, make sure you listen intently. It’s uncomfortable to admit one’s faults, after all, so make sure they know you care about what they have to say.
What’s the Thing You’ve Done of Which You’re Most Proud?
As we mentioned, life goals and accomplishments are a big part of what makes someone who they are. If you truly care about someone, you’ll make your best effort to understand how their experiences shaped them. Like many of the questions on this list, the framing of the query is positive. This approach is much more likely to get them to open up and will help you seem genuinely interested.
When asking this question, remember to prepare your own responses to keep the conversation moving. You might also want to put some thought into follow up queries like “what life experiences most affected who you are?”
What’s Your Favorite Movie of All Time? Why?
Lots of couples tend to bond over discussions about books and films. However, these questions very rarely result in the type of deep conversations you’re looking for unless you appropriately phrase them. With this question, you aren’t just finding out that “50 First Dates” is their favorite film of all time, but you’re asking them to look inside and justify why.
The best thing about a question like this is that there are almost invariably going to be multiple answers. Once you find out some favorite movies, shows, and books, you can spend months watching or reading them together. This type of experience sharing is integral to bringing people closer over time.
If Money Weren’t a Factor, What Would You Do with Your Life?
Almost everyone feels constrained by their finances at some point in their lives. With that in mind, it’s no shock to learn that most people also fantasize about what they’d do if money weren’t a problem. This question encourages your significant other to imagine a situation in which their income no longer had any control over their lives, and then identify what they would do with the rest of their time.
When you ask this question, the sheer amount of information you can glean about an individual’s personality, life goals, desires, and dreams is often staggering. Would they help people? Would they help themselves? Would they be the type of person to move away from the world on a private island, or would they throw an endless party for everyone they know? The answers are always revealing.
Who Do You Think Had the Most Profound Effect on the Course of History?
Being a bookworm or history buff is not everybody’s calling, but even the most historically-challenged person should be able to come up with a compelling answer to this question. Of course, like many questions on this list, the interesting bit is not in the “who,” but the “why.” No matter what answer they give, it’s possible to spend hours discussing what led them to that solution.
You should note that questions like this can often end in a debate, especially if the answer is political or religious. Of course, what level of intimacy could you expect to have with someone if you don’t learn how to handle a little bit of debate now and then? Just remember to listen, keep an open mind, and keep the environment comfortable.
Do You Believe in the Afterlife? What Do You Hope Happens?
This example is another question that is likely to push a conversation into deep territory. This result is mainly because the answer is almost always something that has profound personal significance to the respondent. There is also an undeniable religious connection to this question, which could cause some people to respond unexpectedly.
As with any conversations on the meaning of life or the nature of the universe, the keys to success are a non-judgmental attitude and an open mind. To communicate effectively, you have to master the ability to listen without making people feel judged. Figure this out, and you and your partner will be able to converse for hours about the most profound topics without rubbing each other the wrong way.
If You Could Erase One Human Trait, What Would it Be?
Here’s a unique deep question that asks your significant other to discuss negative things positively. By putting him the driver’s seat for all humanity, you get to see what changes he would make to our species, and who they would benefit the most. If you’re interested in your partner’s inner altruistic nature, this is the question to ask.
As with all of these questions, you need to be prepared to learn something surprising about your SO. Perhaps they think greed or war is the worst human trait, or maybe they’ll pick something that you happen to appreciate about our species. Either way, you should be prepared with your own answers ahead of time, so you don’t end up in over your head when the conversation gets deep.
What Is the Most Spontaneous/ Adventurous Thing You’ve Ever Done?
If you’re reading this article, chances are you’d like to see a bit more spontaneity in your relationship, along with more deep discussions. In many ways, one leads to the other, as being adventurous with your significant other requires in-depth knowledge about them.
That’s what makes this question so valuable. By learning about a time or times that your guy through caution to the wind and embraced his wild side, you can help recreate situations that will allow him to do so again. By asking this question, you don’t only learn about the things that excite him, but you can also safely convey those things that get your blood pumping.
What Is a Controversial Opinion That You Keep to Yourself?
It should come as little surprise that this question might lead to more than just a pleasant discussion. After all, controversial opinions are controversial for a reason. Still, there is a lot of value in getting someone you care about to talk about feelings they have that they don’t necessarily want people to know.
If you honestly want to know someone inside and out, knowing the things that upset, scare, or make them angry is pretty essential. Of course, this is also a good question for eliminating someone you’ve just met as a potential partner, especially if the resulting discussion turns into an all-out argument.
You can’t predict how someone’s life experiences will shape them, but you can choose with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.
What Is the Perfect Version of Yourself?
Here’s another deep question that asks your beau to be both reflective and self-aware. As humans, we all have faults. Still, not all of us are emotionally mature enough to acknowledge those faults, especially in the presence of another person. Because of this fact, questions like these can result in some of the most intimate conversations you can have with someone.
If your guy happy with who he is? Does he wish he were kinder, or does he just wish he looked better in the mirror? No matter how your partner answers this question, you’re going to end up learning a lot about him, and there will be lots of inevitable follow-up conversations. If he claims not to need improving, however, you might want to consider someone with a little less ego.
Do You Think Mortality if Natural, or Did Humans Invent It?
This example isn’t just a question for deep conversation – it’s quite literally a question for the ages. Since the dawn of humanity and the beginning of religion, people have wondered if morality – the rules by which we judge right and wrong – were devised by our species or come to us naturally. As a bonus question, you can ask if you think animals have a moral code similar to ours.
The way your partner answers this question will allow you to learn all sorts of things about them. However, like many questions on this list, this does have the potential to move into controversial territory quite quickly. Be prepared!
Describe the Perfect Vacation in Detail?
While this question isn’t deep in the sense that it asks your guy to contemplate the meaning of the universe, it is deep in the sense that it allows you to learn a lot about their likes, dislikes, and preferences. A vacation, after all, is a type of fantasy. Learning what your partner fantasizes about is a guaranteed way to get closer to them.
In a lot of ways, putting someone in charge of situations that normally have countless uncontrollable variables will tell you a lot about who they are. Will they prefer their trip to be perfect front to back, or do they relish a little unpredictability in their lives?
Have You Ever Broken Someone’s Heart? How Did It Make You Feel?
With so many deep questions to ask a guy, it was inevitable that romance would come up at some point or another. In this case, however, you’re asking about a lot more than just his past romantic entanglements. Lots of us have broken people’s hearts after all, but how often do we sit back and reflect on how that affected us?
Like many of these questions, you have to be prepared for this conversation to go somewhere you don’t want it to go. While the discussion will invariably be in-depth, you might learn that the person you’re with is much more cold-hearted, or much more sensitive than you could have imagined.
What Is Your Biggest Regret?
In the world of deep questions, this one goes right into “therapist territory.” As humans, we all have regrets. In many cases, those regrets are a considerable part of what makes us the people we are today. So, if you want to truly understand who your partner is and why, this is a great question to ask – particularly if you’re already in an intimate relationship.
In the case of a question like this, you should be prepared to console your partner about their answer. When people express regret, they would often do well to hear a reassuring voice telling them that a single choice hasn’t ruined their life, but enriched it.
Who Is Your Biggest Hero?
From movie stars and pro athletes to politicians and historical figures, every guy has at least one hero. Having a conversation about who your boyfriend idolizes and why can offer you a lot of insight into who they are as a person without you having to ask them to bear their soul. In many cases, topics like these can result in fun, deep conversations that branch into a lot of different areas.
Do You Feel Closer?
So, now that you’ve had a few deep conversations with your partner – do you feel closer? Do you feel like you know more about their likes, dislikes, motivations, fears, and drams? If so, then you undoubtedly have countless more suggestions to add to this list. You see, that’s the best part about asking these questions – they so often lead discussions into new, exciting directions.
If you want to know more deep questions to ask a guy, try asking some of your friends about the best conversations they’ve had with their significant others. No matter the question, remember to keep an open mind as well as an open heart.