Although the title of this post is a twist on the playground rhyme, this sequence of events is a reality for many couples who, because of career related and other circumstances, maintain separate homes and reunite often. Historically, couples in this situation tended to have a primary breadwinner that commuted to “seek out” work (or complete military service) and would often maintain a smaller secondary home, but would commute to the primary home.1 However, since 1980’s we have seen a shift in this arrangement as dual-career couples attempt to reconcile their relationship and career needs by living apart. Additionally, the recent economic downturn may have increased the prevalence of these relationships, as career opportunities diminished across a number of geographic regions.
As was discussed in our recent posts on geographic distance (Part 1 | Part 2), research suggests that geographically close and distant couples do not differ significantly in a number of ways, and in some cases distance couples may fair better and in others worse.2,3 Additionally, although there may be constraints on living together for distance couples, there are often benefits for the individual and the couple, which has been described as the “both/and solution”4 in that partners do not have to chose between their relationship and other obligations (like work or family commitments). Instead, they can experience the best parts of their relationship while still having a separate, fulfilling, life. Living apart may help increase work productivity, enable the care of a loved one (e.g., helping a sick parent), or help maintain a level of autonomy for the individuals in the relationship.4 Whereas this type of relationship may not be “traditional,” it does work for some and appears across age and socioeconomic groups. Researchers are still trying to better understand the complex factors that make up this relational structure.
Anyone out there in a dual-career commuting relationship, thinking about entering one, or been in one in the past? Let us know what you think!
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1Holmes, M. (2009). Commuter couples and distance relationships: living apart together. Sloan Work and Family Research Network Encyclopedia. Retrieved from http://wfnetwork.bc.edu/encyclopedia_entry.php?id=15551&area=All
2Stafford, L. (2010). Geographic distance and communication during courtship. Communication Research, 37, 275-297.
3Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24, 37-54.
4Duncan, S., & Phillips, M. (2010). People who live apart together (LATs): How different are they? Sociological Review, 58(1), 112-134. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-954X.2009.01874.x
Karlene Cunningham – Science of Relationships articles
Karlene’s research focuses on novel ways of assessing sexual and relationship functioning, including aspects of relationship regret, alternative seeking tendencies, and sexual communication. Her clinical interests revolve around sexual intimacy difficulties and couple conflict related to infertility.
