When it comes to emotions and logic, they just don’t physiologically mix. Emotions can come out of nowhere and throw your sound thinking way off track.
And when it comes to getting a person out of your heart and mind, it certainly isn’t easy.
Here are a few expert pointers that will set you on your way to emotionally detach from that person you cared so deeply about.
When you detach from someone, it doesn’t mean you are shut-off to love. It just means you can still love but don’t expect it in return. This means you can give and receive love freely in a healthy manner and let go of your love to move forward openly.
Fact – If you are over-involved emotionally with someone you become so focused on them, it transforms unhealthy.
What can happen with this?
It can lead to…
*anger
*depression
*anxiety
*agitation
*resentment
*helplessness
It’s important that you know how to create enough emotional freedom to make space between the two of you so you can make the best “logical” decisions for you. They shouldn’t all be based on emotion.
How To Emotionally Detach From Someone
Pointer One – Take action to heal yourself, not get back together with your ex
Experts believe if you want other people to have love and respect for you then you must love yourself first. This means you are going to have to make changes that are going to make you smile inside-out for real.
Perhaps you need to start working out?
Maybe you need to find a new hobby and friends?
You need to restore your self-confidence if you want to find out who you are again after a breakup. Think about who you were before the relationship and find your way back to you. It’s not going to be easy but the quicker you accept the fact you need to do this, the better for you.
An excellent route to do this is write down what you want, what makes you smile, and the take-action steps you need to get there.
Pointer Two – Step back so the both of you can breathe
Smothering is never a good thing in any relationship; whether you are together or just broken up. I can’t tell you how important it is to take a step back from your loved one even if your insecurities are telling you to run toward them.
Pay attention to the teeny-tiny voice inside your brain telling you that you need to step aside and find your own way through this hurt and pain.
Accept the fact that if your relationship was real and mattered, then it’s going to hurt when you aren’t together.
It’s tough to do when you are emotionally vested in someone but you need to do it regardless.
Don’t think about this one please, just act like Nike and do it.
Pointer Three – Be objective when you are thinking about your relationship, be realistic
Chances are you threw your heart and soul into the relationship. Perhaps you were boyfriend and girlfriend for a year or maybe you were married for ten or more. Right now, it doesn’t really matter because you need to pry your mind open and think with your brain and gut, not your heart’s emotional vulnerability.
Ask yourself the tough questions.
*Would you be happy if your daughter or sister were in this type of relationship?
*Do you believe this person was the perfect one for you and there will never be another?
*Did your ex give you everything you wanted, needed and deserve?
If you were going to turn back the clocks and do it all again, would you pick the same man?
Be honest here.
Each of these questions are going to help detach you from the emotional and push you towards the logical and practical, which of course you can take control of.
Use this line of thinking to push yourself away from this person that is obviously not right for you. Stand strong and shift forward honestly and positively and you will be just fine; no matter how much it hurts in the now.
Pointer Four – Truthfully figure out why you are still attached
This is a tough one but the best way for you to detach is to face the facts as to why you are still attached. It’s not right or wrong, it just is.
Think about why you are having trouble detaching and the unhealthy effect it presents to you.
Perhaps you are still dating this person you know you need to be finished with because of comfort reasons. Maybe you are managing to hang on because you just can’t stand the thought of being alone?
The first step in moving away from someone is pinpointing why you are still hooked up with them.
Are you happy with your partner right now, exactly as they are?
Are you selling yourself way short staying with this person?
In all honesty, sometimes it’s not worth it to detach and throw in the towel. If this is the case, then you both need to agree to work on your relationships and get the help you need to work through your issues.
Every couple is going to run into relationship issues. Some you can work through and others just aren’t worth it.
Figure out the truth and you can create a plan of action to detach in a healthy way and move forward positively in time.
Pointer Five – Pay attention to other people in the same boat who have figured out how to let someone go
If you open yourself to learning from others and listen to the relationship struggles they have battled, you can pick up on the subtle steps you need to take.
There’s something comforting when you hear about people in the same boat as you.
When you can relate, you don’t feel so depressed and sad about your own situation and more open to figure out what you need to do in order to detach.
Something to think about.
Pointer Six – Pain is always short-lived in detachment
You need to remind yourself that the pain and loss of emptiness you are feeling right now is just temporary, it won’t last forever.
You will learn to trust and love again and need to believe it.
Sure, the process will take some time but the pain and hurt will fade. I promise you that.
All Women’s Talk delivers expert tactics to separate your heart from a loved one as quickly and painlessly as possible.
It’s tough when you are always with someone and suddenly everything comes to a halt. No doubt, it will hurt but there are proven methods to make it hurt less and speed up the healing process…
Pointer Seven – Make a point of grieving the loss
It’s important to be real here and if you seriously cared about your ex, then you are going to be hurt when it all comes to an end, regardless of the circumstance.
This cycle of grieving is normal, whether you lost a loved one or the love of your life. And you need to give yourself permission to be sad and move forward when you are ready.
It takes time to build a meaningful relationship and that means it’s only fair to take some time to break it down.
Pointer Eight – No contact is the route to go
You need to understand this is something vital you must do. If you ever want to heal and move forward to find your smile again, you are going to have to use the “no contact” rule. No matter how badly you want to text your ex or meet for a coffee or whatever, don’t do it.
All this is going to do is stall the healing process and hurt you more.
Do you really want your heart to keep breaking over and over again?
I think not.
If you reach out to him, you are only going to feed his ego and that’s just wrong. It’s also going to make you feel crappy too.
Just don’t do it and it will get better – Believe.
Pointer Nine – Stay away from his friends and family at all cost
All this is going to do is make you hurt worse and question whether or not you should be distancing yourself from your ex.
Not a good thing any way you slice it.
You can’t let yourself be swayed by outside influences right now. You broke up for a reason and exes are exes for a reason.
If you are with his friends or friends you share together, you are going to be tempted to ask about him and see what he’s up to.
That does not help you heal – Period.
Add to that the fact if you steer clear of your exe’s friends and hangouts, you are less likely to run into him face to face. And that’s never a good thing when you are trying to emotionally detach from him.
Pointer Ten – Understand that a friendship just isn’t in the cards
It doesn’t matter how hard you try because after you breakup with someone, it’s just impossible to be friends; in fact it’s just plain silly to even try.
Even if you ended the union on neutral terms, that doesn’t give you the green light or a friendship. After you’ve crossed that line from friends into lovers, there really is no going back.
The only way you can truly become friends is to give each other the time and space to heal and move onto another relationship. Only then do you have the chance of becoming friends. When you are both in love with another.
If you make the mistake of trying to force yourself into a friendship for comfort and convenience, out of sheer fear of loneliness, you’re headed for disaster.
Pointer Eleven – Take off your happy glasses
Sometimes when you want something so bad, your logical judgment is clouded and you find a way to ignore the bad things and focus on the good and that’s not okay in a relationship.
Often when couples break up, it isn’t until after the fact they start to notice the great things about their relationship.
Too little too late.
You’ll forget about what a prick he was most of the time and all the destructive arguments you had for no reason at all.
It’s understandable you might slip into this zone or mode of thinking, but you need to nip it in the bud and make sure it just doesn’t happen.
Let’s go the old-fashioned route here.
Get out a pen and piece of paper and write down all the things you can’t stand about your ex. Seeing is believing. Post it on your fridge or beside your bed if you want. Just make sure it’s going to be in your face while you are struggling through the detachment process.
You need to consciously remind yourself of why he is now your ex and that it’s in your best interest to keep it that way. Stay strong, you know you can.
Pointer Twelve – Run from those little things that remind you of him
You can burn them or run from them, depending on what they are specifically. What’s important is you do your best to steer clear of anything and everything that’s going to remind you of your ex.
It’s not healthy for you when you are trying hard to get him out of your heart and mind once and for all.
Go through your place and throw out anything that was given to you by him; jewelry, a pair of shoes, whatever. Do the same with your car and any messages or notes you might have in your phone.
Newsflash – If you keep reminding yourself of him, it’s going to be harder to forget and that just means more pain longer for you. That’s not what you need or deserve.
Cutting emotional ties is tough and that’s why it’s so important to get rid of any triggers that will make you miss him or remember him.
Pointer Thirteen – Take action to find a new focus
This doesn’t mean jumping into the arms of another man. What it means is you need to get off your butt and find new things to do.
You might want to take a trip to a place you’ve always wanted to visit.
How about calling up old friends and reconnecting?
Maybe you want to volunteer for a charity organization or find a new passion?
It’s going to be hard but this is a necessary evil if you want to successfully detach from your ex completely. Think of all the things you wanted to do, but maybe couldn’t because your ex wasn’t interested.
Now is the time to dive right in and get them done.
Will this be hard? Yes, it will.
But you need to give yourself the chance to build a new life without your ex and you deserve to do it with a smile.
Sometimes there are more serious reasons you should be detaching from your ex completely.
Here are a few warning signals that you are involved with an emotional manipulator and you need to detach fast:
Mail Online experts uncover important pointers you need to be aware of that signal you are dating or your ex is a dangerous emotional manipulator and you need to end it fast.
*Do you feel like you are always the one apologizing?
*When they hurt, you are you the one that feels bad and accepts blame?
What emotional manipulators do is take advantage of your soft spots and use this to take control of you. Before you know it, they will have you in a destructive cycle of apologizing, promising change, and starting all over again.
Here are a couple of key signals the man you thought you loved is taking advantage of your emotions.
1-He is a pro at minimizing how you are feeling and always makes you feel like you are overreacting to the things that matter to you in your life. Emotional manipulators don’t take responsibility for their actions, ever. They place blame and cleverly justify this with something you have done.
A little piece of nothing that helps them validate their feelings. That’s just totally nasty.
2-This man has no issues putting you down in public, particularly in front of your close friends and family and never explains themselves. Emotionally abusive people like to belittle people and never have the balls to back it up.
They love making you feel like you are less than them and make sure you know that you would “never understand” if they told you.
On the opposite side of the coin, this person will flip out if you can’t meet them and satisfy their needs whether you know them or not. This kills your brain making you worry if your next step is going to upset them or not.
Definitely a strong signal you need to detach from this basket case as fast as you can.
3-When they are behaving badly they find a way to turn the tables on you. An emotionally messed up person has this innate ability to always find a way to place the blame on you, or rather make you feel like you are to blame when they are the ones in the wrong.
This is a sneaky tool uses to weaken your defenses and give you control over them.
Please be cautious of this one and if you see it, you need to make your break solid.
4-They never actually step up to the plate to explain themselves. Always telling you that you’d never understand them anyway. One trait of an emotional manipulator at his worst is to never ever stop and explain things to you. They cleverly scoot around the issue and just tell you that it’s not worth their time, because you will never get it anyway.
Call them out on this one and if they can’t explain their wants, needs, desires, and irrational actions, you need to kick them straight to the curb and hope the garbage truck comes fast.
5-He always challenges you and when you are having a crappy he makes sure you know his day is worse. Always having to one-up you isn’t healthy.
FACT – Emotional manipulators only care about themselves, nobody else.
This is another clear-cut example that they will never ever care about you and your feelings. Repeatedly, they are just going to make you feel bad about trying to communicate your feelings.
6-When you have reached your limit and have had enough, your partner temporarily changes his ways to “nicey-nice.”
These manipulators will only temporarily change their behaviors when they realize you are done and set to leave them.
In other words, when they have pushed you to your limit, they will back off just enough to make you question yourself and perhaps try to hang on.
This is a sneaky mean way to keep you with them and you need to be wary of it.
Truth – Emotional manipulators do not change so don’t let your mind wander to “Perfect Land” and think you will be able to help them change their horrific ways.
You can’t and it won’t work. Accept that now and get out.
Final Words
It’s never easy to detach yourself from someone you love. Doesn’t matter if they are an emotional manipulator or just someone you feel out of love with.
*There is no easy way.
You’ve got to give yourself the time you need to work through it using these expert tips and strategies to hopefully make the process a touch easier than it would be otherwise.
Best of Luck. You CAN do it!
Thank you ?
After reading this, I am empowered to finally dettach from a relationship that was going nowhere for the last 12 months. It’s a new year now and I want to start my life again. I have been struggling to emotionally detach and I know it’s something I need to do for myself.
please I will appreciate a further advice from you.having read the above article is really opened a lot to me.i have being with my fiance for 8years now and we are planning to get married asap but the greatest challenge I have with her is a nonchalant attitude and excessive excuses.i have also had issues with her because she find it difficult to call,even reply msg which put me off.i have told her severally to send a msg if she us so busy that she can’t call.but after we agree and she apologies,she do the same thing the next day.it’s now look like I am complaining everyday instead of her to explain she will want to ignore it and say she is tired or she can’t talk not minding the fact that I have being calling her.she is very nonchalant with our marriage plans no input from her.if I don’t bring d marriage issue up she won’t talk. as it is I don’t understand her seriously.because a ladies will always follow up there marriage plans her’ is like she is forced.the truth be told I really love her. please I need advice cos I am affected.thanks. this is my mail
Hi Chuks,
Seems like she’s not really into the wedding. Every woman’s dreams are picking out the dress and planning for the wedding. If she’s not interested in doing that, perhaps she doesn’t really want to marry you. I think you guys need to talk about your issues and figure out what her real feelings are.
Okay here is the harsh and beautiful Truth.
She loves you deeply and that is why she has been with you for this many years. She is overwhelmed by all the current and upcoming changes. You are the man now. As a man YOU MUST GUIDE HER. She will help you. YOU MUST PROVIDE AND SHE WILL MANAGE.
– Do not by any means copy her father’s behavior in any way if she does not have a healthy relationship with him or if he is out of the picture. Always offer her advice and primarily your arms and warm chest for as long as she needs. This is EXTREMELY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO FORM A PROPER STRON BONDAGE. You are her Rock that will always keep her sane. Ask her all the questions you need to keep her well. At this point she just knows to love you but does not know what you need from her. Conversations of this will keep her happy and stress free. She is now in a step of becoming a new creation which is YOUR WIFE. And only YOUR WIFE. Prepare her and yourself if you need to. Expect the best and most importantly do not be afraid & if you are conversate but do not show unnecessary weakness you will only scare her.
Blessings will be in your Path of love and your objective is to have kids and a happy fun and loving home. You will love to help out the people or things in need with your family. Always be their main teacher.
Wow, this one sounds like a real pain in the ass if she needs that much guidance. Run like hell, don’t marry her.
Im in the same.kind of relationship and everything was good until 2016. He cheated on me with someone older than me and more financially stable than I am. He does not only sleep with this woman but also brings other women to his place to sleep with them. He hasbeen so good to me but lately we have become far apart from each other. He can be online on whatsapp but he would never communicate with me. He used to immediately get back to me id he realises he has my missed calls but now he no longer cares. He is also in the middle of a divorce and he says he will marry me after the divirce has been final. Im not so sure anymore. I just want to leave him and start afresh
He definitely doesn’t take you seriously if he sleeps with other women too. It’s probably time for you to move on. Make yourself busy, hang out with friends, find new hobbies or volunteer somewhere so you wouldn’t think about him constantly. You’ll get over him in time.
This article summed up a normally messy topic in a very articulate way. I just left my ex of 4 years who passed all but the last trait of an emotional manipulator. Despite his name calling, uncanny ability to always make everything my fault (even in my mind!), and belittling of everything about me, I still give him the benefit of the doubt and miss them.
I finally moved out of our shared apartment, moved cities, and broke off contact one week ago. Now, looking for a job and a new healthy life, and also still very in love with my ex, I ran across this article and I really identified with it. Thank you so much for writing this.
I dated a guy for maybe one month and initially everything was great. He was always asking for my time and trying to make plans with me. He has a two year old daughter from a recent ex wife. He told me he had another gf after his divorce so I’m not the first girl he’s dated since his break up. We both have busy schedules and he always seemed to make time for us. Later we began to have petty arguments and misunderstandings and broke up. Initially I was ok but lately I’ve been missing him. After our break up we still stayed in communication. He mainly called me at work when it got slow because we both work night shift and he knows I’m awake. I told him my feelings and he said that we can work on rebuilding the understanding we had initially when we first met. Before we were official, we didn’t see anyone else but each other. And it’s was mutual. IDK if I should continue trying with him because at times he seems uninterested and doesn’t care to spend time with me. The biggest give away was that I lived with my mom when we met. And now I have my own place and he has yet to spend the night. I’m not sure if he’s worth holding on to because I’m more sad and insecure knowing that we are not together and not knowing who he’s talking to. He recently told me we should go out and do some things but o feel like he may be interested in other women. I have no idea how to feel or what to do.
One month is a short time to really get to know someone. If you already had problems in such a short time, perhaps this is not a healthy relationship for you. Moreover, if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Additionally, if he recently got divorced, he might not want to get serious with anyone right away and is just playing the field. Obviously, you should make your own decisions here but don’t ignore any red flags.
Jan of this year my partner of 26yrs told myself and our 16yr old son that he was leaving me to go be with his best friend’s wife because they had fallen in love with each other. Within 2 months of leaving he is now living with her and her two children from her first marriage. To say my son and I are shocked and devastated would be an understatement. My son has told school counsellors and his therapist that he wanted to end his life due to how his father left and with whom (we all hung out together as couples and she and I) When I told his father this, he not only stayed with the person, he started to flaunt their relationship publically and within spitting distance of our matrimonial home, then posted a pic and she n he on his Instagram pic (our son had seen him with her kids at the movie theatre right up the street from our home and our son was the one who saw the ig pic and showed me) My question is how does one in this situation where you need to still engage with the person re: the child fully detach emotionally..
I’m sorry you are both going through this. It’s tough and it will take time to heal. It’s probably best to continue seeing a therapist.
I feel for you.. I am dreading the same outcome, for my 12-year marriage and two kids we have. He has got a new coworker that he gets along with really well, and keeps on suggesting they come over or we go out with her and her husband and kids. Weekends…and I caught some pretty compromising messages only a month and a,half since she arrived. I spoke to her and she said she is not interested…first denied sending xxx but I had the proof…then said everyone is like that in SA, where they come from. This minute my husband is,having a beer with hers, for the second time, so it seems they are heading for «best friends» but I won’t fall for it. They spend all day together in rhe farm, ride the same bike, her sitting behind him, and laugh and chat whenever they are together. She plays soccer and he said he wanted to get a,team (including her) and play every weekend, and that he didn’t want me to have anything to do with it. I have just fought Stage 3 breast cancer and I am not as healthy, happy or young as her. Even I like her, she is very outgoing and pretty. I feel like I already lost him. Her husband is a sugar daddy with cero sex appeal and goes overseas for a month at a time, every couple if months. My husband is an emotional manipulator and if I complain he blows up, graps the car and drives off for hours. I wiah I could go…I am scared as I have family nearby, no job, and we just bought a house together, before she came on the scene.
Detachment is hard.but i know i an do it with this steps here.thank you so much.
Help with points 9 and 10
I’ve been friends with this person to the point where we both have the same friends here… if I do that I will literally have no friends :/
I’ve distanced myself from them and it’s working just fine… I’ve been friends with them for a long time before this happened. It’s to the point where I just literally can’t cut them out. This has happened before with two other people, and I got over them just fine, we’re friends now. I don’t care about them AT ALL. It’s as though I’ve manipulated the machinations of my mind to the depths in which it has transformed me into a sociopath. The relationship I’m trying to get over was a bit different though… it was more intimate than the others.
Is it possible to not cut them out? It seems I’m already healing but… I’m not quite there.
You don’t have to cut them out if you feel like you are healing already.
Ive been with this guy for over a year now, we had met at a time when I wasn’t looking for anything serious but I knew what I wanted in a relationship so I treated him as such. For instance I noticed little things, like how he threw his wallet away cos it was old and so I went and bought him a new one. Then when he got sick, I showed concern and brought him medicine. I would bring him breakfast before class. But I noticed that he wasn’t as thoughtful as me, and so I told him that, and said that I didnt want to change him as a person, if thats not who he is, its fine but we should end things. He said that I just need patience with him and he will be that person. Then 3 months after we started a long distance relationship, a whole timezone away. For the most part its very mutual with us when it comes to effort. He paid for half a plane ticket and expenses of me staying with him, and I worked for 3 months trying to save money to see him. I know myself to know that I want to be cared for a certain way, I like thoguhtful gestures, he has sent me flowers once, and he doesn’t really write me letters or such and I have done letters myself. He says he’s not affectionate to begin with and weve been having the same argument for a year now, in a way, we dont even have anything in common but he says, he knows what I want but I got to give him patience, and me complaining all the time doesn’t help, and we just value different things, such as social media, I feel that he posts his friends and family a lot but not me at all, but he says its cos he talks to me everyday. He also says he doesnt care that we dont have anything in common that he loves me for me, but he doesn’t really show interest in what I like, and I feel that I need to force him to spend time doing things I like. He always tells me that my laugh is funny but he never complimented me on something he notices about me. Im always the one sending him good morning messages. & I thought that if I showed him the affection I want that id receive it back, I want him to send me good morning messages first, offer to buy me a gift (even if its something small, and no value), show me off, attempt to write me a poem, carefully thought out gestures, and more affection. Again and again I asked for more affection and he said he needs patience from me and that he knows what I want, but I feel like Im not even asking him to do anything difficult and superficial, and he makes me feel like those things are so hard to do. Ive dated this guy for over a year and its just really hard to just give up.
I understand that this thread is for ladies but men get attached too. My question is how to detach when you still see more good than bad in the person that broke your heart? In my case my lady broke up with me saying that she just cant commit to me. she says that she loves me and that i am the best man she has ever been with. she just cant commit to me. I am still madly in love with her and see very little bad in her. How do i let go in this situation? I keep looking for what i did wrong but she and everyone around us tells me i did nothing wrong and that i am amazing. i try to cut myself off but all i ever feel for weeks on end is dread and loneliness as though i have died inside. What do i do? how do i detach?
What causes a person to be this terrible? Is it a psyche issue or something they have trained for? Why is this planet harvesting so much of this type of behaviour? The accuracy of this article is scary and becoming too familiar.
Hi Kate – do you mind if I link this page you wrote on my blog? I found your page when I was writing a blog post and I commented on a lot of what you’ve said here.
This article is quite troubling. The headline is vague about detachments, i.e. maybe you want to detach without hurting their feelings, however, the text of the article is specific and implies the very worst about your ex and why you must detach.
Also, an occasional typo is forgivable, but when a Pointer Headline is clearly using the wrong word, it becomes sloppy. “Warming Signs” to detach…….
Hard to give credit to an article like this…
“emotionally vested..” is not the right word. Vested is a legal term meaning “right to legal ownership” The person who wrote this doesn’t read books.
Hi, I have been this guy for a month and we are so emotionally attached. Few days back I got to meet him and i found out that he is married.
I’m completely devastated and in shock.
Im unable to react..like we both were so much into each other and this reality hit me so hard. He is apologising now and then that everything happened so suddenly that he didn’t have the guts to tell me. Right now I’m talking to him but i really miss him badly. I know its wrong and don’t want to be a villain in someone’s married life. I really don’t know what to do. He is wanting us to be friends and doesn’t want to lose me. I really don’t know what to do.
Please help.
Hi,
It’s been almost 4-5 months since we broke up. What happened was we became friends after we stopped dating and eventually she started pursuing someone else. This is when I stopped everything and went no contact. I’m in love with her still and is in the process of detaching from her. My question is it ever okay to reach out to her after the dust settles and the emotional triggers reside? I’m talking about perhaps a year or more later in reaching out. I’d be lying if I said I don’t want her back but I can start all over again as friends and see where it goes… open to your opinions and suggestions. Thank you
Its been 19 years of this relationship, 15 yrs since married, having 13 yrs old son!. My husband never not even single day showed love n care. before the wedding, lots of dramas, lies were told. always into papa’s boy suit and people pleasing! only for money he shows his rights! till I fallen sick having anemia with palpitations, he kept harassing me mentally and physically. he never loved our son also. His wicked and cunningly selfish father taught all bad things against me n our son! he encourages his son to flirt with other women. so called love marriage, i was literally deprived of all kinds of love, outing. U pay the Bills is the only Mantra! my son does not know the relationship between husband n wife! he s made me all alone n sick. he does not even bother to divorce n go out. All he wants is aloof kind of life since we married but can snatch my money n services! I am under lot of depression, which is hampering my life, job and my son’s life too!