They say when you find the person with whom you want to spend your life, you just know, but sometimes that’s not the case. Sometimes one of you needs a small push to get to a place where marriage seems like a good idea. This kind of push is one that women are all too familiar with giving to the men in their lives.
A man failing to pop the question is a serious dilemma that many women encounter on their way to matrimony. We’re here to help alleviate the burden of a man that won’t commit by giving you some useful tips on how to get him to propose.
What Makes Men Commit?
There are plenty of reasons a man won’t commit to a woman he’s seeing seriously. For instance, he could be unready to take such a big step, not just with you, but also in general. He could also be unable to truly love, or he could feel financially insecure. All of these things might stop a man from committing, but we want to focus on what will make him head the opposite way.
Psychologists have studied marriage and relationship transitions for a long time, so there’s plenty of evidence to show us what will ultimately make a man pop the question. We collected the top five things that will make a man commit so that you can gauge where your man is right now before you try to push him to the next level.
The Ability to Stay in Love
Falling in love is easy, and it can happen quickly. Staying in love, though, is a different story. Many of us look at falling in love at the end of the story. You fall in love, and then you’re there basically indefinitely, or at least until something drastic happens to rock the boat.
The notion that love is out of our control is incorrect, and it can be a difficult pill to swallow. Our capacity to love is likely out of our control on a conscious level as our early experiences with parents and other caregivers often shape it. However, we can change and adapt to grow in our capacity.
Love is a choice that we make and not something that happens to us. If your partner doesn’t yet understand that or feel the need to grow their love for you and with you, then they probably aren’t ready to stay in love yet. If your partner understands that love is a choice and a series of actions that happen daily, then you are on the right track to get a proposal.
Can He Accept Your Flaws?
Another piece to the staying-in-love puzzle is your partner’s ability to look past your flaws. If he sees you as an imperfect person who he is willing to love, or if he sees you as a flawed person with whom he is willing to grow and change, then he’s probably mature enough to propose. If he is supercritical, though, you may want to rethink your proposal dreams.
He Believes in Marriage
Sure, you believe the ultimate way to profess your love for your partner is to tie the knot. Getting those marital documents into the hands of the good people in the city hall is exciting, but does your partner believe the same? Having a serious discussion about whether or not marriage is something that’s even on his radar will help you determine the answer. It’s a critical thing to consider when wondering how to get him to propose.
Some people honestly don’t understand what all the hype is regarding marriage. It doesn’t make them bad people, but it can create an awkward and unfortunate situation as you look to make a more significant commitment to that person. If your partner has openly expressed his appreciation for marriage as an institution, then you’re on the right track for a proposal.
It’s also important to note that studies show couples who make intentional relationship moves like proposing and getting married are more likely to have high-quality marriages than those who “slide” into the next stage. Having a serious conversation about your belief in marriage could be the first step in that intentional decision-making process.
He Can be “The Man” in the Relationship
I know it’s outdated, but plenty of men still feel the pressure of being the primary breadwinner in their home, and many women still expect it. If your man is struggling with the idea of proposing, it could be that he feels like he isn’t financially ready. You could also intimidate him if your career happens to tip the scales in your favor financially.
You should talk to him to ensure that he understands that you see him as an equal. Tell him that as long as you are financially strong together, he doesn’t need to take on the traditional male role in your home. If he sees that as a factor, even if he feels financially stable, you’re more likely to get a proposal soon.
He’s Tired of the Games
I’m sure we’ve all heard of the woman who dates a man for years with no commitment only to break up with him and have him marry the next girl he dates. It’s a familiar tale for a reason: men need to be at the right place mentally to commit. The need to be ready is true for individuals of both genders, but men are notorious for getting to that place later than women.
For men, it’s less about who they are with and more about the timing. Of course, there are the few romantic exceptions, but overall, men can’t commit until they know for sure that they’re done with the games and excitement of casual dating. If he’s ready to get out of that universe, then he’s probably ready to take the next step into marriage.
When Should I use an Ultimatum?
Although the movies make them look like a great idea, ultimatums are often relationship killers. They come across as demanding, and can often make you seem desperate rather than excited. There are some occasions when an ultimatum may work, though, however rare those occasions may be.
If He Has a Legit Excuse
You could use an ultimatum in the form of a timeline if your partner has a legitimate reason why they aren’t proposing right now. If a man is focused on his schooling or is waiting for a promotion he’s up for soon, he may not want to distract himself with the details of a wedding.
If distraction might be slowing your man down, you could give him a timeline of your expectations. For instance, tell him that you understand grad school is stressful, but you hope to get engaged by the time he’s done so that you can plan the wedding while he searches for or starts his dream job.
His Priorities Are Off Kilter
Sometimes people don’t have the same priorities, and that can create stress in a relationship. You may want to use an ultimatum if one of these two scenarios is true:
- Your partner is avoiding a proposal because he’s more focused on his future with his buddies than you
- He would rather buy a boat than a ring
In this case, you shouldn’t say, “it’s your friends or me!” What you want to convey is that his priorities might not be as mature as he is. You can let him know that he needs to refocus by reminding him that boats are easier to buy with two incomes. Making sure he realizes that his Tuesday night all-male trivia team is not in jeopardy should he propose will help as well.
He is Indecisive as a Rule
If you’re in a relationship with a man who views engagement as a decision to be made, but generally sucks at making decisions, it can be frustrating. Maybe he’s stuck in decision mode on which ring to buy or how to propose or whether or not marriage is the best option. Regardless, men like his sometimes need a nudge to get them to move to the action phase.
Tricks to Get Him in the Proposal Mindset
Sometimes getting to a proposal is about subliminal messaging, and sometimes it’s about direct and honest conversations. We’ve rounded up top tips from experts on what to do to get your man down on one knee using both the above techniques and everything in between.
Remember, honesty is the best policy in relationships. We will give you ideas about how to subtly push your man to commit, but we don’t recommend using these hints in an attempt to manipulate him into doing your will. Just use them to gauge his interest and bring up the topic without looking desperate.
Hang Out with Married Friends
If you know that you have friends who are happily married and still living their best lives, you should bring your boyfriend around them as often as possible. Sometimes men have it in their heads that their lives are over once they tie the knot. Seeing a couple that is doing the marriage thing and still having a great time can help to break that thought process.
It’s not a good idea to bring him around just anybody who is married, though. Some couples aren’t happy, and some women are super demanding of their husbands. Bringing him to the home of a couple like that might have the opposite result versus what you were hoping to achieve.
Make Him See a Future With You
If you become such an integral part of his life that he can’t imagine a future without you, you’re going to be in the running for a ring soon. You can do this by ensuring that you’re a good friend to him and learning his love language.
You can also make him see a future with you by bonding over shared interests and creating traditions surrounding them. If you go to the opening day of your local baseball team’s season together regularly, he’ll have a hard time picturing going with anyone else.
One last way to help him see a future with you is to ask for a smaller commitment, like moving into an apartment together. If you sign a short lease, you can see how well you fit together while you work to convince him that a long-term commitment is right for you both.
Work Marriage into Everyday Conversations
We’re not asking you to find ways to let him know you want to get married every day. What we’re asking you to do is talk about wedding-related topics regularly. Maybe mention how nice the centerpieces look at your favorite restaurant on Valentine’s Day. Show him a fresh and fun video of a friend’s wedding, but talk about the videographer, not the situation.
You can even mention that certain songs make you think of him and that you’d love to dance with him when they come on. Talking about things that have everything to do with your wedding day, but don’t seem too blatant can really help to get his wheels turning.
Address His Fears and Make a Logical Argument
Look, at the end of the day, logic is a much better way to get a man to agree to your dreams than the minor manipulations we’ve discussed thus far. When you’re talking about weddings, a lot of men are afraid of the costs involved, so you’ll need to make sure he understands that your wedding doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg.
Although the average cost for a wedding in the US is over $30,000, averages don’t always give us the best picture of reality. If you have 100 weddings that cost $10,000 and one wedding that costs $1Million, that one expensive wedding can drastically drive up the average overall.
In addition to the numbers potentially coming back skewed, there are plenty of ways to save money on your nuptials. You can ask friends to sub in for bartenders or wedding planners instead of paying for those services. You can find an out of the way place to get married that charges less for the weekend than a significant metro location as well.
If you’re anxious about saving money, one of the things that will have the most significant impact is shortening your guest list. Although studies show that larger weddings often lead to happier couples, that’s not always the case. If you can’t afford your fourth cousin once removed, that’s okay. People generally understand that not everyone can get an invite.
Sometimes it’s not cost that has your guy spooked. The very things that most often mean happy husbands can lead to questions for a man before he pops the question. For instance, if your sex life has gotten less satisfying over time, your man may be questioning whether or not a commitment is the right move.
If you and your partner practice different religions, he may also be contemplating whether or not that is feasible long-term. You’ll need to have an honest and open discussion about what the future looks like together, including how you’d address raising children if that’s in the plans.
Tell Family and Friends to Lay Off
If you and your man have talked about marriage and you can tell he already feels some pressure, then you may want to tell both of your families to cool it when they start to add the pressure of their own. Well-meaning parents and friends mentioning a ring can be just the push your guy needs, but if he’s already feeling stressed, it might just make him turn and run.
Make sure to keep your commentary gentle when you ask others not to add stress to the situation. Tell them they can be subtle, but what will help most is modeling solid marriages and helping you address your partner’s concerns in the subtlest way possible.
Hide Your Desperation
Even if you are beyond ready for marriage and desperately hoping to have a ring within the next few weeks or months, it’s a bad idea to show that side to your partner. Desperation doesn’t help to show off your best side. It can, therefore, undermine the attempts you’re making to get him to see you as part of his future (at least in a positive way).
You want to show your confidence. Let him see you as wifey material by proving that you are choosing to love him daily, but don’t necessarily need him in a desperate way. You have your own goals and dreams, but he fits well into your life. If you can show him that, then you are far more likely to get a proposal than if you beg and plead.
Don’t Put Pressure on Too Early
If you aren’t that serious, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating; you will scare your partner away with marriage talk. Some people get serious after only a few weeks or months, while others wait years to think about commitment seriously. Understanding where your partner feels you are in your relationship can help you avoid scaring him away.
Of course, dropping some hints to figure out where he stands with commitment, in general, isn’t a bad idea from the get-go. If you’re dating to find a life partner while your partner is just looking to keep things casual, that can get awkward. Still, putting extra pressure on by talking about marriage too soon will not help the situation.
Talk About Your Readiness for Marriage
You can use all of the subtle tactics you want, but if you’ve never told your man that you’re ready for marriage, then your hints may fall on deaf ears. Having an honest conversation in which you explain to your partner that you are open to marriage and that you’d like the person on the other end of the aisle to be him, is the best way to get him to propose.
Having the “I’m ready” conversation will help to spur him if he’s already had similar thoughts. If he hasn’t, then you’re getting him to at least contemplate the possibility of marriage with you, even if that doesn’t excite him right away.
Most couples discuss marriage before the proposal. Some even make plans before the ring makes an appearance, so don’t feel like you’re odd or doing something wrong by talking about your hopes for the future.
Check Out Rings Together
Even if you think marriage is a ways off, checking out rings together is a good way to enjoy some time out at the mall or on the town while also putting marriage on the table. If you’re just casually dating someone and aren’t even exclusive yet, it’s probably too soon, but if you’ve been together for a little while and are starting to think about the future, it could help.
Looking at rings is also a great way to see if he has a similar style to you. Ask your friends who have planned weddings, and we’re sure they’ll tell you that having vastly different styles from your future spouse will not make the process simple. Finding out early on that your styles differ could help alleviate some stress.
Wrapping Up
Finding the person you want to spend your life with is difficult enough, but adding in the pressure of getting him to propose when he seems reluctant can be downright unbearable. Luckily with the tips and tricks we’ve provided for you, learning how to get him to propose should be a breeze.
If you understand what makes men commit when you can use an ultimatum successfully, and at least some of the tricks we’ve shared, then you’ll be able to get a proposal with no problems at all.
Men really aren’t that complicated, so make sure that he knows you want to get married and that you don’t have to break the bank to do it. If he knows those basic things, and he’s really in love, you’re probably closer to a proposal than you think.
