There are many ways to approach the world of romance. For men who don’t have a natural gift for approaching women, it’s easy to fall into the trap of online dating advice sites. From pick-up artists who use lines and “peacocking” to draw attention to “professionals: with endless seduction strategies, the internet has given rise to a wealth of strange and flat-out dangerous ideas about meeting women.
While the majority of these theories, strategies, and methodologies are bunk, there is no denying that some men have better luck with women than others do. For many men who find themselves on the losing end of that spectrum, it can be frustrating to see women run off with guys who they know are wrong for them, especially when they feel themselves to be a much better potential partner.
This behavior can often lead to a condition that is colloquially known as “nice guy syndrome.” In the following article, we’ll take a look at what defines a “Nice Guy,” what makes them struggle, and what they can do to be more successful with women in the future.
If you’ve ever wanted to know how to stop being a nice guy, this is the article for you.
What is a “Nice Guy”
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “nice guys finish last.” For someone that defines themselves as a nice guy, this can feel like a bitter comment about the state of their social lives. In their eyes, they should be the ones getting attention from women, as they are kind, genuine, polite, respectful, and certainly not only interested in sex.
Or are they?
The aforementioned nice guy syndrome relies on several perceptions. Some of you may recognize phrases like “women prefer jerks,” and “I always end up in the friend zone.” As you can see, these are less about what is actually happening between men and women and the things the “nice guy” feels those women owe him.
In the minds of many nice guys, it is an injustice that women overlook them, and the sheer fact that they are intelligent, kind, and thoughtful should be enough to make women identify them as suitable partners. Not only is this an incredibly misogynistic attitude toward women, but it takes what may be a real social issue and denigrates it to little more than a temper tantrum.
The point of all of this is: the definition of a nice guy depends a lot on who you ask. To women, there are two clear types of nice guys.
Manipulative Nice Guys
These are men who feel entitled to women, their time, or their attention. Because they feel entitled to these things, they act passively, manipulatively, and out of envy for the men that women actually date. These men often decry the “jerks” that get all the girls, but in reality, they are often the jerks themselves because they lie to women about what they want from them.
Actual Nice Guys
A real nice guy is someone who genuinely likes and respects women but often doesn’t possess the social skills or confidence to make moves when he should. Any girl will tell you that confidence is an attractive trait, and the lack thereof – while not being a social death sentence – can make it hard for a single man to do what it takes to meet women.
Now, it’s perfectly ok to be offended if you feel you fall into one of these categories. After all, both of these about behavior, not who you are as a person. Even if you do suspect you might be a manipulative nice guy, it’s never to late to change.
If you want to figure out how to stop being a nice guy, you’ve already taken the first step into fixing your problems, gaining more confidence, and figuring out how to interact with women in a positive way. Best of all, no matter which category you fall into, all of the tips on this page will apply!
The Problem With “Nice Guys”
Above, we mentioned that some men have better luck with women than others. If you look at it scientifically, however, you’ll find that “luck” is not the correct word for it. Instead, one might say there are a variety of internal and external factors that are continually dictating how and why certain people get together while others do not.
Men and women differ in both traits and the ways they interact with one another. Where both types of nice guys tend to fail is that they don’t have the skills to understand the opposite gender, or they simply don’t take the time to do so. This lack of understanding can lead to a lot of frustration, pushing men who started off in the “Actual Nice Guy” category into worse and worse behaviors.
The first step, in this case, is to understand how “nice guy” behaviors look to women.
Withholding Romantic Desires Is Ultimately Dishonest
One of the main traits that nice guys have is that they try to convince women that they’re not “just interested in sex” or that they “aren’t like other guys.” To women, this often seems flat out dishonest. Women are astute at telling when a man is interested in them, and they’re not going to understand why someone interested in being in a relationship wouldn’t also be interested in sex.
The worst possible outcome of this approach to women, however, is that they’ll believe you. If you do too good of a job convincing a woman that you aren’t interested in being their sexual partner, they might agree with you and decide you shouldn’t be either. For all nice guys’ complaining about the “friend zone,” 90 percent of the time, it is their behavior that puts them there.
Agreeing with Everything Just Makes You Seem Weak
If you boil down sexual attraction to its most basic animal origins, it would be fair to say that women – in general – do not appreciate weakness in men. This fact doesn’t refer to physical strength or the ability to jump a motorcycle over a bridge; however, it refers to a person’s ability to think for themselves, commit to decisions, and generally act in a strong-minded way.
Nice guys struggle in this arena because they tend to want to keep the woman as happy as possible. To accomplish this, they agree with everything they say or do, shower them with attention or gifts, or otherwise try to cater to their every need. While most women appreciate some positive attention, they will quickly pick up the fact that you’re just trying to get them to like you.
After a while, your inability to attract them with anything more than catering to their every need will only make you look weak and unappealing.
Struggling Nice Guys Tend to Overcompensate
Once a nice guy starts getting frustrated, they often turn to the internet for help There is a lot of information out there on how to pick up women, build confidence, and get noticed by more women. However, without the necessary social skills to interact and understand women in the first place, a nice guy armed with this information is like a toddler behind the wheel of a car.
In most cases, these nice guys will begin to overcompensate for their weakness and lack of self-confidence by creating a fake persona. They might attempt to act more aggressive or assertive, or even try to act like a jerk to women they like (remember, in the mind of a nice guy, it’s “jerks” who get the girl instead of him).
This behavior often results in a complete disaster for the nice guy, as he is still being dishonest (with both himself and the woman) and is not forthcoming with his intentions. This problem, again, is a product of nice guys confusing being strong-minded and strong-willed with being an obnoxious jerk. Women will often see right through the charade.
Nice Guys Too Often Keep Score
This point doesn’t refer to nice guys literally tallying up their acts of generosity and kindness, though some of the more extreme guys may actually do this. Instead, this refers to mental notes that many people keep for later use. For instance, if a man is courting a woman and gets rejected, he might lose his temper and begin listing everything he’s done for her – things he feels deserve recognition.
The biggest problem here is that it ends up creating bitterness toward the woman right off the bat. Like covering a pot and setting it to boil, it’s only a matter of time before the nice guy unleashes his list of “remember when I” talking points.
For women, it’s not only offensive to be yelled at and told that they should act a certain way, but it ultimately reveals that the man they thought was a friend was manipulating them the whole time.
How to Stop Being a Nice Guy
Now that we know what isn’t so nice about being a nice guy, it’s time to discuss how to stop being a nice guy. Remember, no matter what type of nice guy you are, and what sort of troubles you have with women, these tips are sure to help you. Keep in mind that these tips aren’t designed to get you the girl, but to make you the type of person that more women find attractive.
Answer Questions with Conviction
When nice guys interact with women, they too often make obvious and sometimes clumsy attempts to align themselves with her likes and dislikes. She might say she loves a movie you just said you hated, and you’ll immediately backstep and say, “I guess it’s not that bad.” Always agreeing may seem like a great way to make yourself appear to be the “perfect guy,” but it’s actually just lazy and transparent.
Instead, try answering questions with conviction. Be direct and less accommodating of what you feel she wants to hear. Don’t be a jerk, of course, but don’t allow yourself to be the type of person who only answers questions with the intent of impressing her. You’ll come off as much more confident and – best of all – you won’t be lying to her about your interests or likes.
Reduce Your Expectations
When nice guys approach a girl, there is often a huge expectation that they’re going to pick them up. In many cases, these meetings are premeditated or planned, as nice guys tend to have a habit of developing friendships with girls they like to get comfortable first, then making a move on them after they’ve built up some confidence.
Again, this type of behavior is dishonest. If you like a girl or find a girl attractive, don’ t try to lie your way into a relationship. Instead, clear your mind of expectations. Make the goal in your mind to do nothing more than talk. If you go into an interaction with a girl with the idea of getting something out of it, you’re immediately going to put unnecessary pressure on yourself.
Don’t Track Your Contributions To The Relationship
As we mentioned above, nice guys have a horrible habit of keeping track of everything they’ve done for a girl they like. This habit creates a sense of resentment which can build up over time, resulting in an extraordinarily unfair and usually unjust outburst.
Instead, try being nice for the sake of being nice. It’s never too late to develop more genuine, honest habits in your dealings with other people. Not only will this help you build confidence, but it will also help draw more positive attention too you. As people begin to realize that you’re nice without ulterior motive, your chances with women will significantly improve.
One idea that nice guys can’t seem to get out of their heads is that women should be attracted to them simply because they’re nice. What they forget, however, is that nearly everyone that interacts with women is nice to them, many for purely innocent reasons. This means that, if a guy wants to stand out, he has to more than just being nice to every girl he knows.
The key to all of this is self-management. Your hair. Your clothes. Your car. Your job. Sure, you don’t have to look perfect or drive a BMW. Still, if you are properly managing yourself and putting some genuine time into your appearance and presentation, you’re going to notice a lot more positive attention from the opposite sex.
Go Out with the Guys
As we mentioned, nice guys tend to pursue friendships with women before confessing their attraction to them. In their mind, if they can make a girl like them as a friend, why wouldn’t they eventually see them as a suitable romantic partner. As we said, this is ultimately very deceptive and unfair, and will almost always end poorly for the “nice guy.”
Instead, find some male friends that share your interests and hang out with them. When guys go out together, they tend to cast a much wider social net and the potential for egging each other on can result in some fun interactions with women. Best of all, girls will perceive you differently than if you were out alone or – worse – trying to pursue a fake friendship with them.
Fitness for Confidence
One of the main areas where nice guys tend to struggle is confidence. In fact, one could argue that confidence is actually the root of all of the nice guy’s problems. Still, for all the whining you hear about alpha males and beta males and such, confidence isn’t something you’re born with – it’s a skill that you can learn. In many cases, merely upping a man’s self-confidence can have a dramatic effect on their success with women.
So how do you become more confident? Well, aside from the dressing and grooming practices we mentioned above, you can hit start by hitting the gym. These workouts aren’t just about getting in shape, however, they are about accomplishing many little goals. Running that extra mile, lifting that heavy weight, surviving that excruciating leg day – given time, all of these small victories will have a considerable effect on your confidence.
Take Your Own Side
Along with answering questions with conviction, it’s important to remember to be on your own side from time to time. The assumption that every altercation or disagreement needs to end with the man apologizing is a total myth, as is the idea that women always want a man to apologize to them. Though it’s nice to be the peacemaker, nobody likes or respects a pushover.
If you’re dating or pursuing a woman and some disagreement comes up, try sticking to your guns rather than kowtowing immediately. In many cases, this will be met with respect over time, even if it’s met with resistance initially.
NOTE: Don’t just start arguments to put this into practice, and don’t focus on accusing the woman of being wrong. Again, this is a big part of the nice guy rehabilitation – learning the difference between being a jerk and being strong-minded and strong-willed.
Though many so-called “nice guys” don’t realize it, they are often very dependent people. In many cases, their actions, what they like and don’t like, and how they dress are completely shaped by other people. If this is how a man acts in their daily life, it’s almost a guarantee that the same type of behaviors will bleed over into their relationships.
Instead of being dependent on input from others, start learning to be a more honest version of yourself. Learn to be more self-sufficient by setting small goals and then accomplishing them. Learn not to be affected by criticism or negative comments. Lastly, learn to like yourself. After all, if you can’t like yourself, how can you convince someone else to like you?
As we mentioned earlier, one of the cardinal sins of the nice guy is their tendency to overcompensate for their perceived failures with women by becoming something they’re not. This can mean taking on the persona of a sex-hungry pick-up artist or feigning “alpha” characteristics. In some cases, it can mean just being a jerk to every girl they meet and hoping for the best.
Instead of allowing yourself to become just another sad, angry, lonely man, seek out advice like the tips on this list. Also, instead of developing a resentment toward women, try finding out more about them. Lastly, try to understand that changing from one type of person to another and learning new social skills can take time. Don’t expect immediate results, but never stop improving.
Accept that Women Don’t Owe You Anything
At the heart of nearly all nice guys is a small, misogynist idea that women owe them something. It could be attention, sex, or a lifetime of devotion. It could be attention, sex, or a lifetime of devotion. No matter, in the mind of a nice guy, the fact that women overlook their kindness is a criminal injustice.
The best way to deal with having this sort of mentality is to sit back, reflect, and merely remind yourself that it isn’t true. While it may feel nice to think of the world as owing you something, it doesn’t get you anywhere, and eventually leads to a life of bitterness and regret. If you can eliminate this idea from your mind, you’ve taken the first step toward being the type of guy women want.
Put Your New Attitude Into Practice
If you’ve following the advice on this list, you’re now armed with a brand-new personality and a brand-new attitude. Now, let’s put it to work.
Reintroduce yourself to the world, your friends, and potential partners. If you want, you can even have a forthright conversation about what you’re working on and how you’re trying to change. As you do so, take not of how people are responding to you and also how you feel about yourself. When you’re ready, you can re-enter the dating world with confidence, positivity, and a new-found respect for the opposite sex.