Relationships can be tricky. In the beginning, it’s always exciting. You want to spend all your time with them, and you think about them a lot when you’re not together. But if you’re not careful, you can end up spending too much time thinking about him and become obsessed. Trust me, ladies, this wouldn’t be good. Let us teach you how to stop obsessing over a guy.
Before The Obsessing Starts
When you start liking someone, it’s natural that they begin to fill up a lot of your time and attention. When you have a healthy relationship, there’s nothing wrong with things progressing into a situation where you’re together the majority of your time.
But it should take time to ease into the situation where you’re always together. If you’ve only had one or two dates, it’s not time to blow off your family and friends every day so that you can spend time with your boyfriend instead. Likewise, don’t start breaking routines like going to the gym after work or hitting the tanning bed before you go home.
The problem is that for some of us, we move a bit quicker. After just a few times together, you’ll already know whether this guy is someone you’ll want to be with for a while. And when you’re ahead of someone in the relationship, things can get messy.
A Quick Side Note
In this article, you’ll see words like obsessed and obsession quite a bit. Before I go any further, I’d like to point out that my use of the word “obsession” will not meet the medically defined word. I’m not referring to the fact that you quite literally feel like you can’t live without this guy – to the point where you’re stalking. If this sounds like you, please seek medical help.
When I use the word “obsession” in this article, it will mean that you are devotedly into something to the point where you’re willing to give up everything else in your life to have more of whatever it is you desire.
Setting the Stage for the Obsession Stage
Let me say, first, that there is too much of a good thing. When your relationship is starting, you will experience physiological changes every time you think of this guy. These symptoms will leave you giddy with excitement – almost intoxicated. You may have:
- Increased heart rate
- Sweating
- Difficulty breathing
- Dizziness
- Weak knees
- Jumbled thoughts
- Shivers/chills
- Knots in your stomach
Hearing these symptoms, it’s no wonder we call it being love-sick. Being in love almost sounds like you’ve caught the flu. But while you might feel feverish when you think about the guy you’re falling for, it’s not unpleasant.
These feelings are so intense that when they gradually fade in a few months, many people tend to overcompensate to get it back. Or they end the relationship altogether. The honeymoon phase, as the first few months of a new relationship, is called, can be so intense it’s almost addictive.
Your Brain on Love
In fact, scientists have discovered that your brain in love looks similar to your mind after doing cocaine. The same areas are activated when you start thinking about your new guy. Your body experiences the same physiological responses as getting high.
These feelings occur because your brain releases chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline – all chemicals that make you feel euphoric and happy. And all neurotransmitters which can make you feel addicted – to drugs or your new boyfriend.
- Dopamine is known as the brain’s pleasure chemical because it controls how you experience pleasure. It also controls our learning, motivation, heart rate, mood, and attention, among other things.
- Oxytocin is called the love hormone. When oxytocin is released, it can make you feel warm and fuzzy and plays a significant role in sexual attraction, as well as maternal instincts.
- Adrenaline is what gives you energy. It’s how people lift a car off a loved one or run through a burning building without feeling any pain. It makes your heart race, your body sweat, and you often start shaking.
How Does Obsession Happen?
Falling in love can feel amazing. So much so that you can get hooked on the feeling pretty quick. And once you’ve become accustomed to it, it’s hard to resist wanting more. We often find ourselves desperate to spend time with our crush so that we can experience these pleasurable sensations.
At the beginning of a relationship, you’re still getting a feel for the ground rules. It’s not uncommon for you to make a change of plans so you can spend time with your boyfriend. But it’s not a habit that you should get used to doing. You need to have alone time in a relationship. You need your own identity, outside of who you are as a couple, as a girlfriend.
The more you use something, the more you start to like it. You enjoy how it improves your life. How happy you are now that you have it. You want to use it all the time, and when you don’t have it, it can make you feel discombobulated. This scenario includes your new boyfriend.
The Obsession Begins
Once your brain starts putting out those pesty neurotransmitters, you’re a cooked goose. You’ll have no control over falling in love with your new beau. But you have to keep it in check; otherwise, like any drug, it can spiral out of control.
Your obsession starts small, with changing plans with family and friends for a chance to hang out with your man. And when you’re not together, you can’t stop thinking about him. You’re constantly texting or snapchatting. You swear he’s the most fantastic guy in the world.
But it can spiral out of control when you start spending all your time together. I get that you like being with him, but your whole world cannot revolve around your relationship. When you make your romance the center of your focus, you can cross the line between infatuated and obsessed.
What are the Signs of Obsession?
So how do you know if you’ve passed the point of healthy love and gone into the danger zone? Here are a few signs that it’s time to take a big step back from your relationship and balance your life back out. Your love life should only take up half your life in the beginning.
You Go Overboard with Communicating
Do you have to be in constant contact with your partner? When you’ve crossed the line into an unhealthy obsession, you feel that you always have to be communicating with him. If you’re together, you want to be talking and touching as much as possible.
If you’re not together, you blow their phone up, with no lags in conversation. All your free time is devoted to them. You don’t even spend time with friends or family anymore. Not healthy, sis. You need other important people in your life besides your crush.
You have Insecurities
You start having feelings of self-doubt. When you start to become obsessive over someone, you might begin experiencing insecurity. You become so afraid of losing the newfound love that you over-compensate with too much attention and affection towards your partner.
You might start changing your behavior because you think they want you to act differently. You want to feel worthy of their love. When you get rejected, even if it’s just a rain check for dinner, it can send you into an emotional meltdown.
You Overthink
I think this is one of the worst parts of being obsessive over a guy. You start to have so many insecurities and fears about not being good enough that you begin to analyze everything he says, everything he does and doesn’t do.
If he says he’s at home chilling, you look on Snapchat to see if his location is pinging him at his house – or is he at the bar flirting with some other girl? If you hear his phone go off while you’re watching a movie and he smiles as he looks at it, you automatically assume it’s another chick.
You’re Possessive
You’ve staked your claim, and you don’t want to share, even if it’s just with his friends. When you start getting jealous because he’s going out for a guy’s night or he’s taking a weekend trip to the beach with his family, it’s time to step back and re-center your life.
Being too clingy can push a guy away. If you start making a big deal out of a girl from his childhood commenting on his memes, he’s going to turn tail and run. When you start getting over the obsessed line, jealousy can turn you into a pretty evil person. Watch your tongue. Don’t let your insecurities make you say stuff you can’t take back.
You’re Controlling
Another unhealthy sign of obsession is when you try to control your boyfriend. Maybe you try and convince him to stop hanging out with some of his friends because they’re a terrible influence. Or you tell them how much they should drink because any more than that makes them belligerent. You’re not his mother. Let him do what he wants. Even if it turns out bad.
You might also give up all your interests so that you can get into his. Now you can spend even more time together. There’s no reason he shouldn’t invite you to watch the game at Buffalo Wild Wings with all his friends. You know enough to make him look good – except the part where he’s bringing a chick to guy’s night.
How to Stop Obsessing Over a Guy
None of us want to be the girl who gets a rep as the stalker chick. But I’m sure that at some point in your life, you’ve had at least one boyfriend who you went a little overboard with. Maybe you have a habit of doing it with every guy you date. We understand, and we want to help.
There are some things you can do to keep a healthy balance in your relationships. The first thing you need to remember is that your love life should not be your whole life. You need separation in your life to be happy.
Accept That He’s Not Perfect
When we first start crushing on a guy, he seems perfect. Everything about him meets your standards and more. Every new thing you learn about him is just another box you get to check off your life for your dream guy.
But you need to face reality. He’s human, and he’s flawed. There are going to be things about him that you don’t find appealing. From the get-go, you need to be open to noticing things that aren’t perfect. If you don’t remind yourself that he’s not a god, you’ll have trouble not worshipping him.
Don’t Fantasize
A lot of us tend to start fantasizing about our futures with a new guy pretty quickly. Maybe it’s only been a few dates, and you’re already dreaming about your wedding. Hold your horses, chick. It’s essential to keep your thoughts realistic.
Don’t get ahead of yourself. Live in the moment. If you’re going to fantasize ahead of time, keep it short distance like the weekend. And don’t blow it out of proportion. Often, we build up to something so much in our heads that we’re disappointed with the real thing.
I blame Walt Disney for making us think one date is enough to make Prince Charming marry you.
Stay Busy
It’s perfectly acceptable to think about your new crush a lot, but don’t let them dominate your entire day. You must keep your mind balanced, as well as your life. When you find yourself staring off into La La Land while thinking about your beau, give yourself a little smack and channel that attention into something productive.
Go for a jog or to the gym. Pick up a paintbrush or instrument. Cook. Clean. Call up your friends. Chat with a friend on social media. Find ways to center yourself. You have to remember that your life does not revolve around just this guy. You have to keep your love life balanced with your social life, your family life, your work life, and your private life.
Get Him Out of His Comfort Zone
When a guy is in his comfort zone, he can be a real Casanova. When he puts on the charm, you’re powerless to resist. All of us mere mortals are. To keep him from weaving too strong a spell over you, get him out of his element. Try out different environments to see how he adjusts.
If he’s a socializer, get him to agree to something one on one. Bowling, arcades, or putt-putt are all great activities you can do that is physical but will still allow you to talk to each other. You might be surprised to see that he’s not as confident or talkative if it’s just the two of you.
Question the Situation
He’s cute. We get it. And you like him so much that just about everything he does seems like the most amazing thing ever. But take a step back and look at the situation. If it was someone else doing the same thing, would you still think it was funny or okay?
A lot of times, when you like someone, you accept things you usually wouldn’t because you don’t want them to leave. If your boyfriend teases you about your laugh, is he doing it because he thinks it’s cute, or because he’s passive-aggressive? Is he insulting you but doing it lovingly, so it seems like a joke?
If the situation is something you’d be mad at someone else for, you should feel the same way towards him. Don’t let your feelings for this guy make you put up with something you don’t like. If he’s worthy of your affection, he’ll understand your feelings and stop doing it, rather than getting mad.
Have a Motto
Ladies, giving yourself a pep talk shouldn’t be anything new for you. You should be telling yourself at least a dozen times a day how kickass you are. If you’re not, then start. Because you, my dear, are a Queen. And that’s precisely how you should think every day. And it’s darn sure how you should expect to be treated – with respect and dignity.
You might feel like the luckiest woman in the world to find your new boyfriend. And while it’s great to feel appreciative of your new relationship, it’s important to tell yourself every day that you’re not the only lucky one. He’s the luckiest SOB because he got you. You’re the real prize in this relationship. Remember that, and you won’t struggle with being obsessed over this guy.
Spend Time Apart
I’m sure by now, I sound like a broken record, but this is an integral part of a healthy relationship. You both need time away from each other. Think of it like this. If you’re always together, you’re experiencing everything at the same time. There’s not going to be much to talk about later.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together fifteen days, fifteen years, or thirty-five years, you need time apart. Even if it’s just a few hours once a week. You need to be able to do things that make you happy outside of your relationship. Get your nails done. Go shopping. Take the time to get a massage. Make memories that you can go back and share with your partner.
Meditate
Meditation is a great way to center your thoughts. Use the time to get rid of any negative thinking and to find ways to bring balance to your mind. Maybe you like to do yoga. I’ll admit I’m not a fan. I lost my flexibility years ago.
Some people meditate while doing kickboxing or jogging. How you meditate is up to you. But find time each day to stop and do nothing. Kick your shoes off and set a timer for ten minutes. Just sit back and close your eyes. Let your thoughts run and slowly close them until your mind is blank. You’ll feel better.
Talk on the Phone
Texting has made it easier to be able to communicate with someone no matter where you’re at or what you’re doing. But it does leave some things to be desired when it comes to interpretation. Sarcasm is a dark art that not everyone gets. Especially through texting.
When you send a risky text, you can drive yourself crazy waiting for a response. You may wonder if he got your meaning. What if he takes it the wrong way? What if it makes him mad? You might start sending new responses trying to soothe any hurt feelings before you even know if there’s anything to fix – which could cause a problem where there wasn’t one.
Instead of texting, pick up the phone and call him. I know it might seem like a strange scenario, but people have been communicating through phone calls years before texting became a thing. At least you do not have to go through his three friends before he finally gets to the phone like in the old days.
Be in Love – Not in Obsession
Long story short, if you want your new relationship to work out, you have to have a healthy relationship with each other. That means you take the time to have separate lives. You have realistic expectations. You trust each other. You respect each other. And you understand that he’s not perfect. But neither are you.
That’s the beauty of life and love. When two imperfect people love and accept each other, they can end up having a perfect life together. Don’t let your relationship get out of control. Follow our helpful tips on how to stop obsessing over a guy. Keeping things in balance will give you to have a stronger, healthier relationship that can last for years to come.
