For a .PDF version of this article, please click here. This article is free to any college/university for purposes of dissemination to students (e.g., as part of college orientation, first-year seminar, or college course).
College is all about new experiences: the start of a new life, new friends, new freedom, and new relationship experiences. Not surprisingly, romantic relationships are responsible for life’s happiest moments.1 For that reason, it is important to avoid problematic relationships that could jeopardize your college education. To help, we’ll identify qualities of healthy relationships in the context of common relationship experiences that students encounter during their first year in college.
Long Distance Relationships
When you left for college, you brought your favorite pillow and favorite clothes, but did you also bring along your high school sweetheart? If not, then chances are that you are in good company since 75% of college students have a long-distance relationship at some point during their college careers.2 These relationships can be difficult because you don’t get to see your partner as much and you may feel lonely.3 Don’t worry though, long distance relationships are generally no worse off than relationships with nearby partners.4 You should fight the urge to leave school to be near them (either at home or at another school) because long distance relationships also have some benefits such as viewing each other more positively and being more satisfied with the communication in the relationship.5 It may just take a bit of extra effort to maintain closeness with your partner (e.g., texting, Skype, Face Time, phone calls, etc.).
Dealing with Break-up
For a variety of reasons, break-ups are common in the first-year of college. Maybe your high school relationship didn’t work out, or a new college relationship fizzled out. Break-ups can result in negative emotions and feeling less sure of who you are.6 Yet, when college students predict how bad things will be after a break-up, they think it’ll be worse than it is.7 In fact, over 41% of college students view their break-ups as positive experiences, with this being even more likely if the former partner was holding you back.8 To get over a break-up try writing about the positive aspects of the experience,9 relying on social support,10 and avoiding getting back together with your former partner.11 In fact, rather than jumping right back into a relationship, spend some time alone and focus on yourself because having a clear sense about who you are will lead to better relationships down the road.12
Starting a New Relationship
One of the quintessential college experiences may be the quest to form new relationships. But where should you look? A lot of times attraction is a matter of convenience.13 Hello neighbor! However, living down the hall from someone may not be the best foundation for a healthy relationship. If there was a law of attraction it would state that you should find someone as similar to you as possible.14 If you are studious, like the beach, and enjoy the movies, your partner should as well. When looking for a partner, you’ll want to detect whether the other person is interested. Did the object of your affection give you “the look”, or was there simply something in his or her eye? Here it is important to realize that men have a tendency to see interest where it may not exist. A woman’s innocent “hi!” may be interpreted as “she wants to hook-up.”15
Building a Healthy Relationship
Everyone wants to have a great relationship. To accomplish this goal you should build your relationship around a solid friendship founded on trust, closeness, honesty, and a sense of openness that includes mutual self-disclosure.16 To achieve this, good communication is important especially when discussing problems. Many people (mistakenly) believe that disagreements are destructive in relationships. However, you should be secure enough in your relationship to discuss the small issues that inevitably arise so that they don’t turn into major drama. Most importantly, avoid negative forms of communication like criticizing partners, being overly defensive, refusing to talk/shutting them out, or having a lack of respect or contempt.17 The research shows that relationships with this type of communication are certain to end. Ultimately, healthy relationships and good communication both rely on mutual respect and caring. Demonstrate these qualities to your partner by clearly and calmly discussing problems, stating how you feel without blaming or attacking, and taking the time to truly listen to your partner’s perspective.18
Love is also important in healthy relationships, but what type of love is most important? There are two main types: companionate love, which is based on friendship, and passionate love, which is based on attraction and preoccupation with the partner.19 Although passion may get a relationship started, it fades. A romance with a partner who is also your best friend is more likely to stand the test of time. When thinking about love, avoid the mistaken belief that love conquers all. Love is a key ingredient, but it does not mean that you should tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior.
Although a majority of relationships don’t experience physical or verbal abuse, the prevalence of dating violence is growing and occurs in approximately 1 out of 3 college relationships.20 Yet, people in abusive relationships often believe that because it happens to them it must be “normal” and happening in most relationships.21 But look back at the statistics. Most college students are in happy, healthy relationships. Be sure to steer clear of factors that can promote relationship violence, such as high levels of dependency22 and alcohol use.23 If you or a friend experience relationship abuse, seek help from your campus counseling center. The bottom line is that abuse should be an automatic deal breaker because relationships should be one of the happiest and most fulfilling parts of your life.
Staying in a Bad Relationship
Obviously no one aspires to be in a bad relationship, so why would anyone get stuck in one? First, people may stay because their expectations are too low or they think that they can’t do any better than the current partner.24 Second, we tend to prefer people who reinforce our self-views.25 If you have a negative self-view, you’ll tend to seek out others who also see you that way. To make matters worse, a partner who views you negatively isn’t likely to treat you well, which may lower your relationship expectations and self-esteem even further. It is also important to avoid losing your own sense of identity by becoming too close to a romantic partner.26 To help recognize if you are in a bad relationship, you should turn to close others (roommates, friends, parents) who, research shows, are better judges of your relationship than you.27 If people close to you suggest that you should get out of a relationship, it may be wise to seriously consider their advice.
A healthy relationship will help make you a happier and better person without requiring you to forsake your friendships or educational goals. Learning these basics of healthy relationships will come in handy during your first year of college, and will also benefit your future relationships in a way that will lead you to experience a happier and more fulfilling life.
Dr. Gary Lewandowski – Science of Relationships articles | Website
Dr. Lewandowski’s research explores the self’s role in romantic relationships focusing on attraction, relationship initiation, love, infidelity, relationship maintenance, and break-up. Recognized as one of the Princeton Review’s Top 300 Professors, he has also authored dozens of publications for both academic and non-academic audiences.
Miranda E. Bobrowski is a senior psychology major at Monmouth University. Her research examines the effects of self-expansion (the motivation to gain resources through new experiences) on both the individual and interpersonal level. She also has experience serving as a Peer Advisor working with students during their transition into college during their First Year at Monmouth University.
1 Berscheid, E., & Reis, H. T. (1998). Attraction and close relationships. In D. T. Gilbert, S. T. Fiske, & G. Lindzey (Eds.) , The handbook of social psychology, Vols. 1 and 2 (4th ed.) (pp. 193-281). New York, NY US: McGraw-Hill.
2 Merolla, A. J. (2010). Relational maintenance and noncopresence reconsidered: Conceptualizing geographic separation in close relationships. Communication Theory, 20(2), 169-193. doi:10.1111/j.1468-2885.2010.01359.x
3 Le, B., Loving, T. J., Lewandowski, G., Feinberg, E. G., Johnson, K. C., Fiorentino, R., & Ing, J. (2008). Missing a romantic partner: A prototype analysis. Personal Relationships, 15(4), 511-532. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2008.00213.x
4 Van Horn, K., Arnone, A., Nesbitt, K., Desilets, L., Sears, T., Giffin, M., & Brudi, R. (1997). Physical distance and interpersonal characteristics in college students’ romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 4(1), 25-34. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.1997.tb00128.x
5 Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(1), 37-54. doi:10.1177/0265407507072578
6 Lewandowski, G., Aron, A., Bassis, S., & Kunak, J. (2006). Losing a self-expanding relationship: Implications for the self-concept. Personal Relationships, 13(3), 317-331. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2006.00120.x
7 Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., Krishnamurti, T., & Loewenstein, G. (2008). Mispredicting distress following romantic breakup: Revealing the time course of the affective forecasting error. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(3), 800-807. doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2007.07.001
8 Lewandowski, G., & Bizzoco, N. (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2(1), 40-54. doi:10.1080/17439760601069234
9 Lewandowski, G. (2009). Promoting positive emotions following relationship dissolution through writing. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(1), 21-31. doi:10.1080/17439760802068480
10 Frazier, P. A., & Cook, S. W. (1993). Correlates of distress following heterosexual relationship dissolution. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(1), 55-67. doi:10.1177/0265407593101004
11 Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009). On-again/off-again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships?. Personal Relationships, 16(1), 23-47. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01208.x
12 Lewandowski, G. W., Jr., Nardone, N., & Raines, A. J. (2010). The role of self-concept clarity in relationship quality. Self and Identity, 9, 416-433. doi: 10.1080/15298860903332191
13 Berscheid, E., & Reis, H. T. (1998). Attraction and close relationships. In D. T. Gilbert, S. T. Fiske, G. Lindzey, D. T. Gilbert, S. T. Fiske, G. Lindzey (Eds.) , The handbook of social psychology, Vols. 1 and 2 (4th ed.) (pp. 193-281). New York, NY US: McGraw-Hill.
14 McPherson, M., Smith-Lovin, L., & Cook, J. M. (2001). Birds of a feather: Homophily in social networks. Annual Review of Sociology, 27415-444. doi:10.1146/annurev.soc.27.1.415
15 Abbey, A. (1982). Sex differences in attributions for friendly behavior: Do males misperceive females’ friendliness?. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 42(5), 830-838. doi:10.1037/0022-35126.96.36.1990
16 Fletcher, G. O., Simpson, J. A., & Thomas, G. (2000). The measurement of perceived relationship quality components: A confirmatory factor analytic approach. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 26(3), 340-354. doi:10.1177/0146167200265007
17 Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage & the Family, 60(1), 5-22. doi:10.2307/353438
18 Miller, S., & Sherrard, P. D. (1999). Couple Communication: A system for equipping partners to talk, listen, and resolve conflicts effectively. In R. Berger, & M. Hannah (Eds.) , Preventive approaches in couples therapy (pp. 125-148). Philadelphia, PA US: Brunner/Mazel.
19 Fehr B. (2001). The status of theory and research in love and commitment. In G. J. O. Fletcher & M. S. Clark (Eds.), Blackwell handbook of social psychology: Interpersonal processes (pp. 331-356). Malden, MA: Blackwell.
20 Amar, A. F., & Gennaro, S. (2005). Dating violence in college women: Associated physical injury, healthcare usage, and mental health symptoms. Nursing Research, 54, 235-242. doi:10.1097/00006199-200507000-00005
21 Pipes, R. B., & LeBov-Keeler, K. (1997). Psychological abuse among college women in exclusive heterosexual dating relationships. Sex Roles, 36, 585-603. doi:10.1023/A:1025665907856
22 Charkow, W. B., & Nelson, E. S. (2000). Relationship dependency, dating violence, and scripts of female college students. Journal of College Counseling, 3, 17-28.
23 Lewis, S. F., & Fremouw, W. (2000). Dating violence: A critical review of the literature. Clinical Psychology Review, 21, 105-127.
24 Thibaut, J. W., & Kelley, H. H. (1959). The social psychology of groups. Oxford England: John Wiley.
25 Swann, W. Jr., & Pelham, B. (2002). Who wants out when the going gets good? Psychological investment and preference for self-verifying college roommates. Self and Identity, 1(3), 219-233. doi:10.1080/152988602760124856
26 Mashek, D. J., & Sherman, M. D. (2004). Desiring less closeness with intimate others. In D. J. Mashek & A. P. Aron (Eds.) , Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 343-356). Mahwah, NJ US: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.
27 MacDonald, T. K., & Ross, M. (1999). Assessing the accuracy of predictions about dating relationships: How and why do lovers’ predictions differ from those made by observers? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 25(11), 1417-1429. doi:10.1177/0146167299259007