When you first date a guy, you’ll get to know him by talking about his work, hobbies, interests, and background. As you go on subsequent dates, you’ll learn more about him and decide whether or not you want a serious relationship with him.
A guy with lots of insecurity issues may seem quiet at first. This may be intriguing, and you’ll want to date him again and again to learn more about this mysterious man. As time goes by, you’ll notice he has a lot of emotional baggage, which impairs his ability to have a healthy relationship with you.
You may have to wait until you’re in a serious relationship, or even living together, to learn more about his personality and emotional makeup. Finding out your guy has low self-esteem is one of the most unpleasant surprises you can have once you get into a serious relationship.
We all like people who are confident and self-assured (but not arrogant). Humble people are likable, too, because they usually have a strong moral compass and are fair in their dealings with others. A humble or modest person isn’t necessarily insecure.
However, once you notice signs of insecurity in a man, you need to talk to him about his behavior and see indications that he wants to change to improve the relationship.
Ways to Spot Insecurity in a Man
All guys have a certain amount of insecurity, and most women do, too, but most of us know how to overcome it. Some people, however, have little self-esteem and always expect the worst outcome in any situation, including dating and relationships.
Here are several signs of insecurity in a man. If your guy exhibits a few of these traits consistently, you should confront him about his behavior. If he resents the conversation or doesn’t change, you should consider ending the relationship to protect your privacy and emotional health.
He Comes on Too Strong
If he acts like you’re the love of his life on the first date, he’s insecure. You may be flattered that a guy is so smitten with you right away, but it’s most likely his insecurity speaking, not his true self. Any girl who’s had bad experiences with insincere or selfish guys may easily miss signs of insecurity in a man, and mistake them for flattery.
An insecure guy may start making plans for your future together, even though you’ve only dated a few times. He’ll take lots of pictures of you on his Facebook and Instagram and refer to you as his girlfriend. He’ll post about how great you are and how happy he is that he met you.
After you date him for a while, you’ll notice that his words of love are too good to be true. His glowing praise comes from insecurity and fear that he has to try hard to get a girlfriend, or he’ll be left alone. His insecurity will become more evident, the longer you know him.
It’s also possible that a guy will come on too strong because he wants to sleep with you right away, but those types of guys are loud and smooth in their declarations. An insecure guy is awkward and maybe a bit shy about announcing his love.
He Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
An insecure man finds it hard to respect boundaries. When you spend time away from him to go out with your friends or do something by yourself, a timid guy thinks you don’t like him. He won’t understand that you need your space. He will want you to spend most of your time with him, talking to him on the phone, or texting him.
An insecure guy expects your relationship with him to be the focal point of your life. He has an all or nothing approach to dating. A woman is either totally into him at all times, or she isn’t interested- there’s no in-between.
When a guy has no self-esteem, he may call or text at odd hours and expect you to answer. If you don’t answer him, he’ll take it as a sign you’re mad at him or not interested in dating him anymore.
A serious relationship can’t thrive unless both partners respect each other’s privacy. You shouldn’t look at your boyfriend’s texts, private social media posts, or emails without his permission. He must give you the same courtesy regarding your correspondence.
Be clear about what you will and will not accept when it comes to boundaries. End the relationship if he refuses to respect you and give you privacy.
He Needs Your Approval
An insecure guy needs constant approval from you and other people around him, as well. He’ll ask for validation in all areas of his life, including your relationship. He may ask questions like, “Why are you dating me?” or “Am I doing everything the way you like it?” At first, these questions may sound like he’s really into you and wants to make you happy.
You can give him compliments and reassure him that your relationship is great, and he’s doing fine, but he’ll only need more reassurance the next day. You shouldn’t write off a guy if he acts this way occasionally, but if he constantly needs validation, it can be draining.
You might think his need for validation is proof of his love for you. However, when his neediness becomes too smothering, you’ll find yourself spending a lot of time helping him feel better when you should be attending to your own needs.
When you need encouragement, will he encourage you? If a guy is so insecure he can’t function without someone coddling him, how is he supposed to reassure you when you feel low?
Some insecure guys are meek and harmless, but others may become angry if they don’t get the reassurance they seek. Some insecure people may lash out at others when they think they’ve been rejected. If a guy is too insecure, he may take up too much of your time and emotional energy.
He Doesn’t Like Constructive Criticism or Feedback
Even gentle, constructive criticism will be taken as an insult by an insecure man. Feedback or criticism about his behavior is regarded as a sign that you don’t love him anymore.
He may get mad or mopey when you address issues in the relationship, or avoid talking about the problems at all. You’ll find it hard to have a rational conversation about his behavior or how to make changes in the relationship.
He Tries Too Hard
An insecure guy will try too hard to impress you and others. He’ll expect you to treat him the same way he treats you. He finds it hard to be easy and natural. Everything he does has to be dramatic and over-the-top. An insecure guy is either depressed or full of self-pit or overly dramatic.
Many people try extra hard to impress a potential partner at the beginning of a relationship. However, if weeks or months have gone by and your guy is still acting like you’re on a first date, he’s probably too insecure for the relationship to work. He will try hard to seem interesting or impress you instead of acting naturally.
Insecure people often try too hard at their platonic friendships because they’re afraid that those relationships will end poorly if they don’t contact their friends often.
An Insecure Man Has Trouble Accepting Your Feelings
Your changing feelings in a relationship can be hard for any guy to deal with, but an insecure guy will find it impossible to accept your feelings.
A guy with low self-esteem who’s always anxious about a relationship will try to fix a perceived problem when you’re upset. He may think that you’re upset due to something he did or said, even if that’s not true.
An insecure guy assumes his partner is upset because of him or something that happened in the relationship, even if you’re upset over your job or another aspect of your life. His entire emotional world revolves around your relationship, and he assumes yours does, too.
If an insecure guy is uncomfortable with your feelings, he’ll work on changing how you feel, but he’ll resent it if you tell him he shouldn’t feel suspicious or sad over something that has happened.
He Gets Jealous Easily
An insecure guy wants you to focus all your energy on him. He’ll get jealous of anyone you spend time with, like your friends, co-workers, or even your family. He believes your world should evolve around him, and everything else is extraneous.
When you go out without him, he’ll call or text you to check up on you. An insecure, weak-willed man will tell you he’s concerned for your safety or misses you, and that’s why he’s calling. He’s contacting you because he’s jealous and afraid he’ll lose you to another man, or that you’ll have so much fun with your friends you’ll neglect him.
He may monitor your social media posts, and ask you about people you’ve talked to or the meaning of certain posts. This type of non-stop questioning may perturb you at first, but eventually become worrisome if his mistrust turns into full-blown jealousy.
Your freedom will be compromised, as you’ll have to check in with him regularly to keep him calm. If he feels threatened by your freedom, you should seriously consider ending the relationship.
An insecure person lives in fear that they’ll never be good enough for anyone. This lack of self-esteem makes him think that any love interest of his will disappear if she spends any time with another guy, even as a friend. He’ll believe that he needs to keep you within reach at all times to avoid being replaced.
He Compares Himself to Your Exes
An insecure man will be jealous of the men in your past, not just your current guy friends. He’ll learn about your past relationships, either by asking you directly or asking your friends and family. He may even stalk your old social media posts to find out about your ex-boyfriends.
Your guy will want to know all about what happened before you met him and what happened in your relationships. He’ll want to plan for the day you’ll break up with him since he focuses mostly on negative outcomes.
This man will be obsessed with the fact that you’ve dated other guys before him, and worry that you might go back to one of them. He’ll ask you about your exes, search for their social media profiles, and compare himself to them.
If you talk about your relationship and give him constrictive criticism about how to make it better, he’ll accuse you of wanting him to act like one of your exes. He’ll accuse you of still being in love with an ex and attempting to rekindle that romance, even though you haven’t had contact with that guy for years.
He’ll insult all your exes to your face and other people. An insecure guy won’t believe that you’ve stopped contacting your exes or a particular ex-boyfriend. He will be so afraid of losing you because of his insecurity. He’ll constantly be suspicious of you simply because you had boyfriends before him.
If you stay with an insecure guy who acts this way for too long, you’ll start to feel guilty about having boyfriends before him or even having a social life before you met him. When he constantly gets inside your head and changes the way you think bout yourself, you have to take action to make the relationship better or end it.
He Has No Friends or Social Life Outside Your Relationship
Many men describe themselves as loners, and being a loner isn’t always a red flag. How a guy acts and treats you (and others, when he must have social interaction) determines whether being a loner is harmless or potentially dangerous.
A guy who is shy, socially awkward, or naturally quiet can still be a great companion. Not all shy guys are so emotionally insecure that they can cause problems in a relationship. However, a guy who has no interest in socializing with other people, including his family, is emotionally unavailable.
Shy guys want to be friends with people but are too insecure to approach others and forge bonds. Some guys are loners, in a good way, and prefer to bond only with their partner and a friend or two. Other guys are unable to have a normal friendship or relationship with anyone, including their girlfriend.
When you’re with a guy who doesn’t like being around other people, he can push your friends away from you. Some of your friends or family members may avoid visiting you when he’s around because he makes them feel uncomfortable.
There’s also a bias against men who are perceived as social loners in today’s society. A loner who fits this pattern is more angry than awkward, so be wary if this describes your guy.
He Can’t Trust You
Insecure guys find it had to trust anyone, including their girlfriend. A guy who has trust issues has probably been rejected by past girlfriends, bullied at school, or suffered trauma as a child.
A guy who has experienced pain and rejection in a relationship, at school or home learns to mistrust people and expect the worst from all situations. He’ll assume you’re going to break up with him sooner rather than later, even if you treat him well.
Showering him with love and affection may change his mind for a while, but eventually, his mistrust will get the best of him. If he can’t trust you, there’s no way you can have a successful relationship.
He Toys with Your Emotions
A guy will play mind games with you to keep you in line and hide his insecurities. A guy with low self-esteem will toy with your mind and emotions to control you and keep you from leaving him. He’ll make you feel guilty about having a social life outside of the relationship, and manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do.
Insecure guys play mind games because they’re afraid women with an active social life will find other guys more interesting and leave them. Your guy may be so insecure he may think that one innocent conversation you have with a male co-worker will turn into a romance, and you’ll leave him.
If you stay with an insecure guy for too long, you’ll fall prey to his mind games, and think that you shouldn’t do what you want and that you have to do everything for him and the relationship. Staying with a guy this insecure can upend your friendships and mental health.
You may be manipulated into believing that you have to stay with him and that you’ll never find any who’s better for you.
He Will Be Tough on Himself
When something bad happens in the relationship or his life in general, an insecure man won’t deal with the issues calmly. He’ll be incredibly hard on himself, and blame himself whatever had happened.
He may be sincere in his feelings of inadequacy since he has little self-esteem in the first place. Sometimes, an insecure man wants you to assure him that he didn’t do anything wrong to cause the problem. If you were angry, he might turn the conversation to his feelings in an attempt to make you forget about the cause of the argument.
He Dotes On You – All the Time
When a new guy spends all his time texting you, calling, taking you out and buying you gifts, you feel loved. If you’ve had a cheating or inattentive boyfriend, a guy who dotes on your every word is a breath of fresh air. He’ll put his needs to the side and do everything to make you feel better.
If he hears you mention a concert you want to see, he’ll buy tickets for you. He’ll always call or text to invite you out to dinner, a movie, or another event. Everything will be fine as long as you do what he wants you to do.
The moment you venture out to a social event without him, he’ll become clingy or depressed. He feels that you should only go out in public if he’s there. If he’s not with you, he thinks, you might meet someone who’ll take your focus off him.
He Brags a Lot
A confident man doesn’t need to talk about how wonderful he is, but a braggart has self-esteem issues. When someone close to him talks about an achievement or adventure, he’ll respond by telling an even more colorful story about something he’s done.
He makes up for his insecurity by pretending to have a more exciting life. He may talk about hanging out with famous people, how much he can bench press, or brag about awards he’s received or the skills he has.
Many of an insecure guy’s boasts are exaggerations, wishful thinking, or outright lies. He feels it is important to one-up people, so he sounds impressive. He also wants you to remain impressed with him, and think that you can’t find anyone more interesting and accomplished.
Conclusion
You may try to make a relationship work despite noticing your guy’s insecurity. He may be intelligent, athletic, have a great sense of humor, be a good cook, and have a great job but still be insecure enough to get jealous easily and need your validation for simple things.
Insecurity can be caused by genetics, stress, and several other factors. However, it’s not your job to treat your boyfriend’s insecurity. You’re supposed to be his partner, not his therapist.
If you can’t discuss the relationship and his behavior satisfactorily, it’s probably in your best interest to break up with him. If you really care for the guy, and he has many good qualities, time apart to grow and visits to a therapist (for him, and possibly both of you) may repair the relationship.
