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What Did I Do Wrong? Understanding Relationship Betrayal

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By Dr. Dylan Selterman – University of Maryland

what did I do wrong

Think back to a time when you felt betrayed. What did the person do? Did they confess? How did you feel? Why do you think you felt that way?

In a new paper, my colleagues (Amy Moors and Sena Koleva) and I wanted to figure out some of the reasons why people think that some relationship betrayals are bad.1 Our research focused on moral judgment, which is what happens when you think that a person’s actions are wrong, and moral reasons, which are the things that explain moral judgment. For example, you may hear a news report about a violent shooting and say that it’s wrong (moral judgment) because people were physically harmed (moral reason). Or you may hear about a politician who secretly helped a foreign adversary and say that’s wrong (moral judgment) because the politician was disloyal to his country (moral reason).

Most people think that sexual infidelity (cheating) is morally wrong. Most people also think that it’s better to confess to your partner after you’ve cheated, or to confess to your friend after hooking up with their ex. Telling the truth is good, and so is resisting the urge to have affairs (if you’ve got a monogamous relationship). Those are all moral judgments. We wanted to study the moral reasons for those judgments, and we used moral foundations theory (MFT).2 We’ve written about this topic before (see here and here), but to recap, MFT says that people have a lot of different moral concerns. We prefer to minimize harm and maximize care, to promote fairness/justice and liberty, to respect authority figures, to stay loyal to your social group, and to stay pure (i.e. avoid degrading or disgusting things).

Now, think about all these moral concerns. Which do you think are relevant to cheating or confessing? We suspected that the importance of loyalty and purity are the key reasons why people make those moral judgments, more so than if someone was harmed. Think about it this way—if your partner tells you that he had sex with another person, this might make you feel very hurt. What if he didn’t tell you, and you never found out? You might be happier in that case, but something tells me you’d still want to know about your partner’s betrayal. Even if your partner’s confession causes pain, it’s worth it to confess, because the confession shows loyalty and purity.

To test this, we gave people some fictional stories describing realistic scenarios where the main character had an affair, and then either confessed to their partner or kept it a secret. Afterwards, we asked participants questions about moral judgment (e.g., “How ethical are these actions?) and questions about moral reasons (e.g., “How loyal are these actions?”).

As expected, when the character confessed, participants rated the character’s actions as more harmful, but also more pure and more loyal, compared to the participants who read about the character that kept the affair a secret. So, despite the additional harm caused, participants thought that confessing was good. If minimizing harm was the most important thing, then people would say that keeping the secret is more ethical than confessing—but this is not what we found.

We found similar results in a second experiment in which the character’s betrayal was hooking up with their best friend’s ex, followed by either a confession or keeping it a secret. Once again, participants thought the confessing to the friend was morally better than keeping it secret, despite the greater harm caused, because confessing was more pure and more loyal.

In our third experiment, the character either cheated on their partner before breaking up, or broke up first before having sex with a new partner. We asked the same moral judgment questions afterward. It’s notable that in this experiment, the characters broke up either way, so it’s not like the infidelity could cause long-term harm to the relationship. Cheating did not have a harmful consequence, but people still viewed it as unethical. Why? Participants thought that cheating was more disloyal than breaking up first.

Overall, our experiments showed that people have a lot of different moral concerns related to relationship behaviors. Amy, Sena, and I recommend that people talk openly with their partners, friends, and family members about the different moral concerns they have. Perhaps future research will show how open communication about moral concerns may help people resolve relationship conflicts.

Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed.

1 Selterman, D., Moors, A. C., & Koleva, S. (2018). Moral judgment toward relationship betrayals and those who commit them. Personal Relationships, doi:10.1111/pere.12228

2 Graham, J., Haidt, J., Koleva, S., Motyl, M., Iyer, R., Wojcik, S. P., & Ditto, P. H. (2013). Moral foundations theory: The pragmatic validity of moral pluralism. In P. Devine & A. Plant (Eds.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 47, pp. 55–130). Burlington, MA: Academic Press.

Dr. Dylan Selterman – | Website/CV
Dr. Selterman’s research focuses on secure vs. insecure personality in relationships. He studies how people dream about their partners (and alternatives), and how dreams influence behavior. In addition, Dr. Selterman studies secure base support in couples, jealousy, morality, and autobiographical memory.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. James says

    I think confessing to your partner is a NO NO. I rather confess to God and make sure i don’t do that again. Because continuing in infidelity has grave consequences. Some time, what started as common mischief/mistake can lead to planning the death of your partner with the other person. No one never really comprehend until they are in jail regretting.

    • Jax says

      If there’s no reconciliation then the deception continues then affair is still going on – it’s that simple and the betrayed will always suffer – something the cheaters ever think about because they only think of themselves!

  3. Anthony Douglas says

    I’m struggling with the consequences and how that will play out. The confession comes with a lot of baggage both emotional and physical. I won’t mention the trust issues that will haunt you for years. As non-PC as that sounds, I’ll spend eternity not sleeping than give up on love. I know, I know, she deserves better. I’m more afraid of seeing the plane crash on her face when I confess.

    • Frances says

      Yes confession does come with a lot of baggage and there are many more factors to consider when you confess vs keep secret. If you choose secret you are the only one who has to live with what you have done, right? Maybe, but most often when a partner cheats there is some degree of distancing that occurs in the primary relationship either before or during the affair they begin to view their partner from a more negative perspective and withdraw emotionally. They may even nit pit their partner, pick fights and be critical of them for no real reason. All of these things will serve to help justify the behavior and cause a notable degree of harm to their partner. Once the affair actually happens, the partner is usually aware of the distance and partners with a high degree of intuition and empathy likely already know, they may even ask you outright without any need to show evidence. If this is the case, it is better to confess. In doing so it allows both of you to work through a process of determining what opened you up to having an affair and how a repeat of such can be avoided in the future. This can bring closure to the betrayed partner and provide a healthy foundation to establish a new partnership. If you are married and you cheat, the marriage is over, your partner just doesn’t know this, please do not try to tell that this isn’t so, when you break a sacred marriage vow it cannot simple be unbroken by keeping it secret, nor can it be unbroken by disclosure it cannot be mended that is not how it works, broken vows are broken it is that simple. if however, you choose to confess you can both decide if you would like to reestablish a new “marriage”. set the guidelines and make a new covenant together.
      If you refuse to admit in the face of your partners perceived questioning, this serves as a permanent wall between you, you may even at times wonder about your partner being unfaithful(projecting) I your partner confronts you and you deny not only did you betray them with the affair, you lied about it and you will feel the need to uphold this deception and your own guilt for the remainder of your relationship. This is like carrying an enormous load everywhere you go and like I said they likely already know so they likely are not feeling safe in your relationship since there is no way to resolve this inner angst. Often the betrayed becomes ill at ease in sharing and being open and being vulnerable either emotionally or sexually with you which may drive you to do it again. If you have to work through the pain you caused a partner or both of you because the partner leaves, it will likely serve as a HUGE reminder not to repeat that behavior. Only in confessing to a partner who is already aware can you establish to them that you know that what you did was wrong and that you do not intend to behave that way in the future.
      If you truly believe that your partner does not know and could never find out that they have never approached you with the concern or questioned you directly and you have already reestablished that connection that, trust me in this, was broken because of the affair should you even consider keeping it secret and I do not say lightly because as I said in the beginning whether you realize it or not you have already caused some damage to your partner in unseen behaviors used to justify you actions.
      When people have no one to keep them accountable to a behavior that harms another because there are not personal consequences the behavior will likely happen again when times get tough. In the end the trust was already broken so whether you keep it secret or disclose, somehow the issue of trust will sit in the balance, your ability to trust will also be affected. Only you can make the decision and it is up to you alone to discover why this happened so you can honestly tell yourself that it won’t happen again. When two of you can reflect, often you will find that the betrayed will see some area in this that they have contributed and they also can be aware so as to prevent contributing in this way again. With disclosure you have so much more to work with and honestly the betrayed doesn’t always want to part way, though it may be their first reaction most healthy people can bring themselves to a place of understanding and acknowledge that people make mistakes and if they are willing to admit their wrongs and make amends as well as determine why and establish some preventative measures this is a problem that not only can you overcome but your relationship will take on a deeper meaning for both of you. Hope this gives you some assistance in making that decision
      If you decide you cannot bear to see the pain in your partner with disclosure and decide against it I highly recommend you find someone, of the sex, that you trust and will not judge you on a moral level, to confess to them so you don’t try to process the “why did I do this” all on your own, it is very difficult to find the root cause because our tendency will be to either take all the responsibility making yourself a monster or they will put much of the blame on their partner. I am not trying to say the betrayed has any responsibility in this but they may have some contributing elements, like being too trusting or being emotionally unavailable even to independent. Yes there is such a thing, I didn’t even bother to share this insight with James, at the top of the comments, who has the view of a hard line of No. No, No never tell because that position says more about his denying to himself that he did a bad thing and will likely repeat it. Sad

  4. SmartPillWiki says

    So many thoughts to think about after reading this post!
    Indeed, moral judgment is based on moral reasons. Moral reasons are consequences of the beliefs system. A belief is a series of decisions that eventually add up to making a strong assumption. We judge because of our inner patterns and values. So, how to act in a case your felt is cheating you – To judge or to accept? – is a personal deal.

    • Lili says

      Acho melhor não dar motivos para desconfiança nem confessar.A confissão é uma punhalada para o outro. Melhor ficar quieto.A traição nem sempre caracteriza um relacionamento tóxico.O traidor às vezes se sente tão culpado que investe mais norelacionamento conjugal.Eu sei muito bem

  7. Kristy says

    When someone cheated on me it is never my fault.
    All the other person had to do was breaking up – before. Easy, isn’t it?

    It makes no sense to blame each other for something someone else did.

    I wish you all a happy and healthy relationship!

    Kristy

  8. katherine lora says

    If you found your partner cheating on you, leave him without giving a second thought. I had been in a toxic relationship, and I know how does it feel when your partner lies to you every single moment.

  9. Cynthia says

    I think a scenario that wasn’t addressed here is the idea that the partner DISCOVERED the cheating partner’s infidelity rather than receiving a confession. How does that play out in this research?

  10. katherine lora says

    such a great post. Betraying is always painful and heartbreaking when you are in a beautiful relationship. My boyfriend left me in between for another girl with giving me the reason she is more sorted than you and now I feel little for yours.

  11. Besty green says

    Serious relationship does not depends on money, always but it involve in caring and understanding

  13. kunal goldar says

    I think a scenario that wasn’t addressed here is the idea that the partner DISCOVERED the cheating partner’s infidelity rather than receiving a confession. My boyfriend left me in between for another girl with giving me the reason she is more sorted than you and now I feel little for you How does that play out in this research Betraying is always painful and heartbreaking when you are in a beautiful relationship.

  14. Moumita Mallick says

    I believe that being truthful to your partner is the best thing. If he or she really loves you he/she will definitely understand and forgive you. But you have to promise you will not betray him/her again.

    The point what James says, i do not completely agree with his point. Because he/she somehow knows it from another person then will be more heartbreaking than knowing it from you.

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