One of the most widely adapted clichés people accept is that women don’t mean what they say. We’ve all seen that helpful guide that shows a shortlist of things women say, followed by what they truly mean. One of the most typical lines we’ve all come to know and (not) love is, “It’s fine,” which we all know means the exact opposite.
There’s no limit to the situations where a woman might yell, “I hate you!” But that doesn’t mean you should jump to any conclusions that this woman actually hates you.
Hate is a strong word that is often used in the heat of the moment when explosive feelings are raging inside of us. Unfortunately, your people can’t take back things they’ve said. Hearing such words can leave some people worried about where they stand with their partner or the woman they love.
You should never believe that this statement is true, based on the statement alone. Like most things that people say in the heat of the moment, in a time of great frustration or hurt, there are many possible explanations. Like anything else, you should consider your relationship, the surrounding circumstances, context, and tone when you’re trying to discover how she may genuinely feel.
So, many men want to know when a woman says she hates you, can it mean something else? The short answer is yes, it can. Shortly, we’ll jump into the long answer.
“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” – Hermann Hesse
“You never really hate anyone as much as someone you cared about once.” – Cassandra Clare
You can tell from these and many other quotes that hate it is a strong feeling or emotion that people make claims about. However, the emotion itself has deep roots within a person. Often, people only feel such a vast emotion because they have previously or do currently care about the person, they’re saying they hate.
There are many ways to understand what someone truly means by listening to the words they’re using, along with using what you know about them. One significant factor we have is to consider is the woman’s love language. Hopefully, if she’s someone you care deeply for, you’ll be familiar with the way she gives and receives love.
The 5 Languages of Love
According to the book The 5 Love Languages written by Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five common ways that people give and receive love. People tend to have a primary love language while enjoying some of the others still. The love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
For someone who’s love language is words of affirmation, it may be easy to decipher their true feelings because they’re not someone who shies away from communication. They’re usually open and honest about their feelings, speaking often and freely. You may be able to engage your words of affirmation woman about her true feelings easily.
Because the other four love language is rooted in things like spending time together, giving or receiving gifts, getting physical, or other acts of service, you may have to think through what this person is telling you in different ways.
Consider whether there is a rift in the general way you show each other love – when was the last time you spent quality time together? Have you been getting enough physical touch or intimate time with her lately? Have you let go of some of the symbolic acts of service you used to do more frequently to show her love?
The most important thing to remember about your girl’s love language is that you consider it within the grand scheme of things.
Listen to What She’s Saying and Her Tone
Everyone has heard the saying, “It’s not about what you say, it’s about how you say it.” You’ve probably heard your mom say this, if not a teacher, your best friend, or your boss. We’ve all unintentionally made someone feel bad by the way we said something or said something with a tone that inadvertently leads to an argument, right?
Sometimes tone comes through when we’re feeling sad or frustrated, not necessarily on purpose; it just comes through. Other times, we purposely change the pitch in our voice to reflect our feelings, to give a statement more oomph.
In the same sense, “I hate you” can come across as harsh, but you’ve probably heard someone say it in a playful tone. I often tell my best friend, “I hate you,” with a half-laugh as she is telling me the truth about something, rather than telling me what I want to hear about it.
She’s never once thought I meant that I truly hated her. She can tell by the way I’m smiling and chuckling while I say it.
One of the biggest miscommunications that happens these days is anything said over text. Although when you’re familiar with who you’re texting and how the conversation is going, it’s a bit easier to pick up the tone of a discussion that may not be so for everyone you text.
So, if you’re texting someone you’ve only known a short time, you might be in hot water here. Say you’re texting a girl you’ve only gone on one or two dates with. If she says she hates you over text, that’s probably really confusing. Instead of trying to decipher what’s going on, try asking if you can have the conversation over the phone instead.
Taking Things in Context
Similar to what we just discussed about, you have to think about the context of the saying. Any woman could be saying they hate you, think about whether this woman is a friend you care about it, a romantic partner, a coworker, or any other various relation you have with her. Considering the type of relationship you have with her, can help you determine what she means.
Take, for example, your female coworker who you’ve been friends with for some time says, “I hate you,” after you narrowly escape a layoff, and she doesn’t. She’s likely displacing her feelings towards the company and the perceived wrong and placing them with you solely because you didn’t get laid off, and she did.
In another example, your girlfriend of three years says, “I hate you,” with tears in her eyes after you tell her that you’ve accepted a job over in another state, and you will be moving soon. It’s likely that because she cares deeply for you, and you haven’t yet discussed what this may mean precisely for your relationship, what she is feeling is that you hurt her.
In the two examples, you may consider the context, including the relationship, the situation, the tone used, and the surrounding circumstance. We know that if you want to know if a woman says she hates you, can it mean something else, you have to consider all of these things.
Signs She Didn’t Mean it When She Said, “I Hate You.”
There are plenty of ways to know that a girl didn’t mean she hates you, even though she said it. Some of them are easy to see, while others may leave you perplexed. To eliminate confusion, here are several instances where a woman may have said she hates you, but she doesn’t.
It Might Be True
For starters, let’s talk about when she does mean it. If a girl says she hates you in an argument, and then leaves or refuses to say anything else, you might be in trouble. Not that all women are the same, because they’re not, but there’s a general feeling that when someone has nothing left to say, that’s about it.
You don’t have to assume she means it, though. After a cool-off period, you may want to open up the lines of communication for real feelings to be aired out or for a confirmation that she meant what she said.
She’s Unhappy With What You Said
Let’s say there comes a time where you told the woman you love that she couldn’t have something or that the answer was no. She asked for an expensive vacation, a specific gift, or to go out to a special event, and you turned her down. Your partner may have said she hated you, but she likely meant she felt discontent with your answer.
There’s a solid chance that saying no to her didn’t make her hate you; it just upset her enough to lash out with harsh words. If something similar happens to you, remember not to react in a way that will further escalate the situation, give her time to calm down before you talk more about it.
She Actually Loves You
If your girl says she hates you, grinning widely with blushing cheeks, this is a near-universal sign that she doesn’t hate you at all. Her playful tone may help you understand that she means she loves you. If you just said I love you for the first time, just gave her a gift or compliment, it’s likely that she is just playing around with you and doesn’t hate you at all.
Hopefully, you will never be so unlucky, but you may find yourself on the receiving end of a text that states, “I hate you!” If this is the case, I highly advise you to do whatever you can to discontinue the text conversation instead of a phone call or in-person meeting.
You Messed Up
Let’s talk about a time where a woman says she hates you after you know you’ve done something that has hurt her. You may have ignored her calls for a while, you lied, and she caught you, or you said something you wish you could take back.
In this case, if she says she hates you, you may still be able to salvage the relationship, depending on many factors. If this is a common occurrence in your relationship, you may not have a chance, but if it’s the first time you’ve messed up or an honest mistake, it could be that she wanted you to feel how much you hurt her rather than she actually hates you.
She’s Fishing for Romance
There may come a time when the woman you love makes saying, “I hate you” into a gesture rather than a statement. Think of any movie scene where a couple is facing one another, and the woman says something while turning away from her partner, and as she walks away, he grabs her hand for a moment.
If your partner says she hates you in an instance similar to this scene, she probably wants you to come after her, grab her hand, hug her, or for you to be romantic or engage her. Remember not to misinterpret the situation, tone, facial expression, and other circumstances that could change the meaning in this case.
Signs She Actually Likes You
Many people want to know the answer to the question If a woman says she hates you, can it mean something else? The above are more specific events to give you a better idea of how to gauge your situation. But there are some other quick signs she doesn’t hate you. Let’s talk them through.
- If you have the chance to hang around a girl and her friends and they tease her about you, it could mean that they know she likes you. There’s a chance this isn’t the case, but often friends will tease someone in front of the person they like.
- Your friends are always telling you she likes you. You may think a girl doesn’t like you, but your friends are likely to pick up on signs you missed when your head was in the clouds around her.
- If her friends try to set you up, even though she has said she hates you, there’s an excellent chance she likes you. She may have just been too nervous to talk to you herself.
- She still seeks out conversation with you – if a woman says she hates you but keeps coming around and trying to keep the conversation going, she didn’t mean it.
- She’s stealing looks – If you catch this girl checking you out from across the room after she said she hates you, she may still have feelings for you.
- She makes a point to get your attention – A girl who hates you is likely to make sure there is no further contact. If a woman is making sure you notice her, making eye contacting, or purposefully walking past you, she probably doesn’t hate you.
If you listen to her words and consider her actions, you’ll find that you’re probably not as clueless as you feel. People tend to let their actions speak for them, even above their words at times, so pay attention!
Open Up The Lines of Communication
If you often find yourself lost or confused about what your partner is feeling in your relationship, there’s no excuse to stay in the dark. Relationships have their ups and downs, their strengths, and their weaknesses, that’s true.
But when it comes to relationships, one sure-fire way that it will come crashing down at some point is a lack of communication. If there are often confusion, arguments, or just not being on the same page, it’s time to work on your communication skills.
Getting started with opening up communication in a relationship can be very simple. Instead of coming to your partner and placing blame or saying that there is not enough communication, bring up the topic in a more positive way.
Start on the right foot by letting your partner know you want to work on something together, as a couple, to make your relationship stronger. You can tell her that you read something that got you thinking, or heard a friend talking about something similar.
You can even say that you’ve felt you’ve not done a good job about keeping communication open and that you’d like to work on being more open with her, and you’d love if she could help you with it.
Here are some simple steps you can take to increase your communication skills in your relationship from the Love is Respect organization.
Find The Time To Talk Face To Face
So much can be lost in translation, it’s truly a tragedy of sorts. Even though our lives are busy with multiple careers, running a household, kids, sports, or whatever you may have going on, take the time to talk in person. Save conversations and matters of importance for an in-person discussion. You’ll be glad you did.
Make Sure It’s The Right Time
Theirs is a time and place for everything. If you have something meaningful to talk about, make sure the time is fitting for the conversation at hand. It can shape the outcome of the conversation.
Be Forthcoming
The last thing you want to do is hold something back that you’re feeling. Instead of letting things go that may build resentment, even if you feel that it’s silly, say something. A short conversation about your feelings now can help you avoid an explosive argument later.
Be Open and Honest
Sometimes people don’t like to say things because they think it will hurt the other person. Encourage your partner to say just as they feel and that you won’t hold it against them, and do the same when they’re telling you about their feelings.
Never Attack Your Partner
Choose your words wisely; make sure you use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Helping your partner understand how you feel starts with “I feel,” not “You…” You would be surprised how much this can affect a meaningful conversation.
Pay Attention to Body Language
When you’re working on communication, play an active role. That means facing your partner and listening, having positive body language, and showing them respect. Hopefully, they will reciprocate your positive behavior.
Remain Hopeful
The only way to find out what someone means when they say something we don’t understand or don’t believe is to ask them. Hate is a strong word that sometimes gets thrown around loosely. It’s a complex emotion that many people struggle with or use without understanding the depth of its meaning.
A person may hate you because you’ve hurt them in a way they feel has gone past repair. A person may also think they hate you when they care very much about you, and you’ve let them down in some way. Then again, they may not hate you at all, even though they’ve said those words.
In any case, remember all of the things we talked about above. It’s good to give people space to be alone with their thoughts, not to react if you think it will further the negative situation, and to open up communication about the topic when the time is right.
Even though this particular question seems like it has a lot of room for error and an overall negative emotion, it doesn’t have to be that way. For such a harsh phrase, it’s hard to bring about much positivity, but there certainly are some great things to learn from a situation where someone has said that phrase to you.
You may have learned more about your girl’s love language, her body language, and how to decipher the tone and context of some of your more complicated interactions. We’ve also talked a lot about communication and to start moving towards more positive interactions in your relationship.
The key take away here is that a woman may mean any number of things if she says she hates you, but none of them are set in stone. There’s always room for improvement and positivity in a relationship. So, don’t forget to implement some of our tips and tricks into your relationship.
When you start building open communication, and trust is born, and you may find that you avoid such negative interactions all together.
