Dating has always been an extrovert’s game, but with the invention of online dating and apps, introverts and the shy folks of the world were able to join more readily. Unfortunately, no matter how much technology, psychology, and commentary we throw at it, dating still sucks. Understanding why it sucks can help us overcome some of the negatives.
We aren’t trying to claim that dating will ever be fun for everyone, but we hope that addressing some of the worst parts will help you to see it as a less intimidating venture and even enjoy it from time to time.
Pay No Attention to the Person Behind the Technology
Modern dating is more video game than social interaction. With apps like Tinder and Bumble that require only a single look at a picture to either accept or reject interaction with another person, we are much less likely to make a real human connection than previous generations. Even when we “match” on these apps, we are likely to hide behind our insecurities.
Dating apps and websites have, in some ways, broken dating because we end up projecting our most insecure selves onto a screen, and we sometimes forget we are talking to another person and not just a computer program. There is a whole new language in the dating game that we need to understand just to be able to navigate. Some of the most common examples are below:
- Ghosting: Ending all communication with a person you’ve been talking to or dating without telling them what’s happening and without any warning.
- Cookie-jarring: Keeping someone as a backup plan in case your current relationship doesn’t work out. Typically just talking with no intent of moving further in the relationship until or unless your current relationship breaks off.
- Breadcrumbing: Not to be confused with cookie-jarring: this is another way of keeping someone on the hook. However, breadcrumbing involves throwing out noncommittal statements and messages that allow a conversation to continue without ever committing to a person in case someone better comes along.
- Swiping Left: Dismissing the possibility of interacting with someone romantically without much thought at all with the simple swipe of a finger on your phone screen.
The language involved in modern dating is only half of the problem, though. There is also the concept of “paradox of choice” to contend with when we date using technology rather than in-person.
Paradox of choice is a psychological concept that essentially means that having more choices makes decision making more difficult. We tend to think that we need to see every possible choice and understand every angle, but in reality, that increases our anxiety and depression. It can debilitate us rather than empower us to make better decisions.
In online dating, we can see almost unlimited partners. Having that abundance of options seems like a good thing on the surface because we can meet people we may never have encountered otherwise. In actuality, that abundance sets us up for the stress of paradox of choice and usually a good amount of wasted time as well.
Essentially, technology has created a culture of dating that is ripe with disillusioned men and women who are tired of the whole process. That’s not to say that online dating doesn’t work.
There are millions of people who have met their spouses in that way, and we can’t argue that the opportunities online are minimal. We just think you need to keep your expectations realistic and work not to project your insecurities onto the screen. You’re sure to encounter a person or two who will ghost you, but understanding that it’s a reflection of them and not of you helps.
What Causes People to Get Together?
When you’re single, you hear a lot about the “laws of attraction,” but are there really laws to explain who is attracted to whom and how often? The answer, according to science, is a resounding no. However, some things make people more likely to get together. There’s not much you can do about it if these things narrow down your dating pool.
Location is Key
Despite the popularity of online and app dating, proximity is still a vital piece of the dating puzzle. Physical proximity is one of the strongest predictors of relationship formation. The more distance between two individuals, the less likely they are to form a relationship and especially to maintain a relationship over time.
Even though it seems like online dating could disrupt the 20th-century stats that solidly support the location component of attraction, that isn’t the case most of the time. Dating apps have the capability of limiting the location of “matches” within a certain distance of a given user. Online daters have similar technology at their disposal to limit distance.
Since the goal of online dating is still to meet up in-person, eventually, many users of apps and online dating services value proximity just as much as traditional daters. It’s especially important as the relationship progresses, and daters want their significant other to begin to join in their social group(s).
Judging Books by Covers
Appearance is another important aspect of modern dating. Arguably more important, when using a swiping app to find a romantic partner, physically attractive people tend to get more dating opportunities via in-person and online date requests. They are also more likely to have sex more than people who are objectively less attractive.
If we introduce social interaction to the situation, versus simple online yes-or-no systems, humor and kindness often become more sought after traits than looks alone. Since many of us date without the luxury of social interaction, that fact isn’t exactly comforting. It does mean that going old school with dating might be the way to go if you don’t believe your looks are enough.
You Like Me, So I Like You
Research shows that we tend to like the people we know like us. Whether that’s because we appreciate knowing where we stand or because love is based on reciprocity, finding someone who likes you first can be a reason why dating sucks much less.
The fact that we like people who like us is just another reminder that playing hard to get hardly ever works and shouldn’t be your go-to plan. Mature daters don’t typically employ that strategy, but we see it occasionally and think it’s important to point out how ineffective it is like a dating tactic in reality.
Knowing is Best
In a major blow to one of the most common phrases in dating conversations, it turns out that opposites do not, in fact, attract. The reality is that we like what we know, and there is plenty of research out there to prove it. We are much more likely to date someone we view as similar to us.
Similarities in romantic partners can vary from things as simple as age and religion to more complex issues like socioeconomic status, occupation, political orientation, or values. If nothing else, no one wants to argue constantly. Dating someone who agrees with us often and can validate our opinions makes for a simpler relationship.
The Worst Parts of Dating
Online dating has broken us, and the laws of attraction aren’t laws at all, but dating sucked long before we knew about either of those things. Dating requires confidence, the ability to make small talk, and at least enough money to pay your way through dinner at a half-decent restaurant. It’s not something everyone can navigate successfully, and it has never been.
Let’s be honest here; there are some seriously awful parts of dating that haven’t changed with the times. We’re going to take a hard look at the main reasons why dating sucks and see how we can overcome them, or at least how we can make them more manageable in the future.
The First Date Jitters Are Real
First dates have always had the potential of being awkward because they revolve around the idea of getting to know a person one-on-one and on a deeper level than before. Now that we meet most of our first date partners online, these dates are even more likely to feel awkward. We may have communicated over the Internet or phone, but this is our first face-to-face.
Communicating face-to-face is more challenging than doing so online because the repercussions of what we say and do are immediate, and we can’t just block someone or shut down our computer to get away. We feel on display when we meet in-person in a way we don’t online.
Getting over the jitters is about understanding the psychology behind the first date. The experience is different for men versus women in terms of expectations and attraction. Men see the date as successful more often when a woman talks about herself, whereas women tend to see success when a man keeps a lively conversation going and kisses or hugs them after.
Since science tells us that chemistry is typically not present until the second date rather than the first, there are a few logical things we can do to take the pressure off of ourselves during date number one.
Make sure that you’re on time to give a good first impression and show that your date’s time matters to you. Listen closely to what your date says rather than listening only enough to reply. Ask intriguing questions to help get the conversation going and begin learning as much as possible about your date.
You should avoid bringing up your ex or any recent dates, stay off of your cell phone, avoid controversial topics, and, most of all, try to have fun. More than likely, you’ve spoken before this date, which means you have likely discussed things you both, enjoy doing. Use your knowledge to plan a date that will keep you both entertained.
Why Are There So Many Games?
Playing games is a big part of the dating universe, and it hasn’t changed with the increased popularity of online dating. These games include things like waiting three days to call someone back, playing hard to get, and trying not to look too eager by waiting an hour between texts.
Playing games is not a good way to keep a relationship going, and it’s especially not a great way to start one. Science says that playing these types of games might be in our DNA, and is socially conditioned into us. We believe that frustration creates desire, and that’s a hard lesson to unlearn.
Studies show that games like hard to get will only work if someone is deemed popular. The popularity and scarcity show potential suitors that a person must have a good personality and other traits they find desirable like kindness.
If games are in our DNA, then it will be difficult to avoid them altogether. Just noticing when you have the tendency to join in the games and stopping yourself is a good place to start. You can’t change other people, but you can give preference to others who avoid these types of games as well.
Rejection is an Unfortunate Reality
Along with the paradox of choice that we discussed earlier, there is another side of having so many options in modern dating that sucks. If you have so many options, then others have the same, which means that there is a higher probability of rejection. That rejection also comes in other forms like ghosting more often than the old school breakup scenario of yesteryear.
Even with the less intense ways that we reject one another in modern dating, it still comes with pain. Rejection works along the same lines as physical pain to your brain. In fact, Tylenol can actually reduce the pain that we feel from rejection the same way it can help with physical pain.
One of the fundamental needs of every human is to belong. Rejection rocks the stability of this need, and that can harm our mental and physical well-being. We can overcome the pain of rejection from no longer belonging by reaching out to people who we love and who love us in return, like good friends and family members.
Rejection can actually lower our IQ temporarily, as well. It hurts our short-term memory and our ability to make decisions. This could be one of the reasons we take rejection so hard. We stop responding to reason and may see the rejection as about who we are as a person versus our compatibility with another person.
Sexual Freedom is in, and Commitment is Out
As a young, single person, it can be difficult to find real love in our modern dating culture. Modern dating centers on casual sex and a culture of sexual freedom over a monogamous connection. If your goal is to end up in a long-term relationship of some kind, then you have to be careful where you choose to look for love and of how you act while dating.
The casual sex lifestyle of many singles today can be psychologically taxing. The effects of this lifestyle often live on within the relationships we begin immediately after, which means that we affect more than just ourselves by living in a sexually free way, even for a short time.
This isn’t to say that casual sex is inherently bad or that it’s new with online dating. Still, more and more, the younger generations are choosing casual relationships over marriage and commitment. There are plenty of reasons for these choices, and some may argue that they aren’t choices at all, but the fact remains that it’s hard to find a commitment these days.
You need to act relaxed and casual when you’re trying to date in today’s world. Unfortunately, doing that can make others assume that you aren’t looking for something serious. It’s almost a catch-22 because you don’t want to scare potential partners away, but you also don’t want to give the impression that you are only there for a casual friendship or sexual experience.
Make sure you tell the person you’re dating that you’re looking for something more serious but willing to move slowly once you start to get to know one another. It’s probably not a great topic for the first date, but it’s one that should happen before you start to mix friend groups so that you’re both on the same page.
Dating When You Don’t Know Yourself Well Can Contribute to Self-Esteem Issues and Codependence
Of all of the worst aspects of dating, the one that’s most difficult to overcome is staying true to you. When you don’t know yourself well and live your truth, then you are more likely to end up hurt by modern dating. Rejection stings for all of us, but it stings more when we can’t help but turn internally to pick apart what must be wrong with us.
Now we want to make sure you’re not reading this as another standard “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” document. That’s not at all what we’re saying, and, frankly, it’s not true. What we’re saying is that knowing what you want and who you are will help make dating easier and less likely to rock your world negatively.
Learning to love yourself is something that happens over time, and it’s a continual process throughout your life. You will be many different versions of yourself, and you’ll need to re-learn how to love yourself with each change. Knowing yourself and knowing what you want, however, is very achievable.
As long as you like yourself enough to understand that if someone else doesn’t that isn’t necessarily a reflection of you, then you’re good to go. The trouble happens when codependence begins, and it often begins much earlier than you’d think. Codependence can lead to low self-esteem, depression, stress, relationship dysfunction, and more.
When you’re vulnerable to codependency because of what you’re going through or because of your lack of self-esteem, dating isn’t the best idea. Unfortunately, many people with low self-esteem or who are recovering addicts are out there on the playing field with the rest of us. We need to try to identify these people early to avoid unhealthy relationships as much as possible.
What Are Our Final Thoughts?
There are a lot of reasons why dating sucks. We all know that it’s a process and a complicated one at that. Modern dating is more convoluted than ever. As casual relationships and casual sex become more normal, social interaction becomes a thing of the past, and a whole new dating language comes to light, it can be hard to see any benefits to dating at all.
Luckily there are plenty of ways you can work through the drama and stress of dating to get to a solid long-term relationship. Ensuring that you like yourself and that you can see some of the toxic traits of potential suitors will start you off on the right foot. After that, you’ll need to focus on avoiding games and try to put yourself in social situations with other singles often.
Online dating isn’t a bad thing, but it can become a toxic thing when you focus so much on someone’s looks that you won’t even chance talking to them or having a first date. Remember, science tells us that chemistry doesn’t usually show up until a second date, which means there is plenty of time for someone you start a conversation with online to become “the one.”
We won’t claim that dating will ever be a fun experience for everyone, but we hope we’ve helped you to understand a little bit more about how you can overcome the pitfalls to make it through without too many scars. Don’t forget, if you are feeling the sting of rejection a little too hard, a quick dose of Tylenol can dull the pain while you regroup for another date.
Dating is always going to be tough, but you can get through it. At the end of the process, you’ll hopefully end up in a meaningful relationship with someone who is worth all the time and frustrations you experienced along the way.
