Relationships take work. Many couples do not realize this until it is too late, and they encounter troubles. All too often, couples will end up in therapy or break up because they do not know how to fix their issues. The reasons why relationships fail is long and complicated.
Understanding why relationships fail can help people avoid ending up divorced. In the US alone, between 40 to 50 percent of couples end up divorced. Considering that in the Western world, nearly 90 percent of people get married, that is a significant percentage of break-ups. These failure rates show that something is wrong with relationships in today’s world.
Why Relationships Succeed
While there are numerous reasons why relationships fail, there are also several reasons why relationships succeed. Strong relationships include having a shared sense of intimacy, but personal boundaries, too. Couples are nurturing to each other as they share empathy and gratitude. They also know that long-lasting relationships require working together.
They also have the strength to work through crises together. They also recognize that they need to maintain relationships that are separate from their siblings and parents. Couples also work hard to keep their sexual relationship private and satisfying. They also work together to raise their children while maintaining their autonomy as an adult couple.
Complex Reasons Why Relationships Fail
The reasons why relationships fail are varied and complex. Not all of the causes apply to every couple. However, couples will probably see the flaws in their relationships in this list. Fortunately, couples can work through these issues if and when encountered.
Cheating and Infidelity
One of the top reasons why relationships fail is due to cheating. As soon as one partner cheats, the trouble begins. Deception leads to other problems, like lack of trust, anger, and issues with forgiveness. It can be difficult for the victimized partner to get over the issue, so the pain lasts for a long time.
Life Events Create Insurmountable Stress
When couples encounter major life events, the outcomes test the relationship. Some life events are too much for couples to take on together. Some life events that test relationships are deaths, layoffs or firings, moving, or births. These traumatic events often force people to change their lifestyles, and they do not know how to rely on others, even their spouses, for help.
When these traumatic life events occur, partners often make decisions that are not compatible with the other partner’s ideas. Life directions change, and couples do not always respond in the same way. Eventually, the choices become irreconcilable, and the couple ends the relationship. Unfortunately, the pain of trauma is still there and has added a break-up to the mix.
Inability to Compromise
Couples that do not last often have issues that require compromise, and no agreements can be reached. If you want your relationship to fail, then demand to be right all of the time. If you want your relationship to last, you should share decisions and respect each other. When you compromise, you recognize that you are both valuable people with ideas worth hearing.
Everyone wants to feel valued. It can be demeaning to a partner when the other one does not respect their unique personality and needs. Relationships cannot be one-sided, and the inability to compromise makes it feel that way.
Comparing Relationship to Other Couples
The death of any relationship can start when one or both partners begin comparing the relationship to other ones. It is never healthy to compare your life with someone else’s because you never know what happens behind closed doors. You will never see the whole story, which is what can hurt your relationship.
Instead, focus on your relationship for what it is. Don’t compare your relationship to your parents’ relationships because they were from a different time and place. We learn about relationships from our parents, but we should not compare our bond to theirs.
When things aren’t going well in your relationship, other ones look perfect. Regularly comparing your life to others is not a healthy thing to do because it can create feelings of inferiority. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and he couldn’t be more correct when it comes to relationships.
While we compare ourselves to others frequently to learn about life, we shouldn’t base our relationships on comparisons.
Unrealistic Standards
In a related issue, some relationships end when partners have unrealistic standards for each other. Relationships are made up of human beings, and every single one is imperfect. Humans make mistakes, so partners should understand this. Instead of breaking up, couples should work together to understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses better.
When couples are not supportive of each other, they might turn to someone supportive. No one wants to be put down by someone they love. Therefore, it can be more comfortable for couples to end the relationship than to struggle through feelings of inferiority.
Communication Through Body Language
A lack of communication through words can also end a relationship. Body language is one reason why relationships fail. Instead of talking, unhappy couples will show their real feelings through ugly body language. Rolling the eyes, turning backs, and making sour faces, rolls turnoff for partners who are expecting to be respected, not disrespected.
Couples cannot read each other’s minds. They shouldn’t be expected to, so communication is the key to success. Relationships break down when communication is limited to bad energy. When couples get lazy, they lose their ability to communicate with each other. When they don’t talk, partners begin to make assumptions, and those never end well.
Differences in Expressing Emotions
Along with failing to communicate effectively, couples do not always express their emotions similarly. While many people share their feelings differently, couples need to understand and accept how their partners feel, even if they do not agree with it. People feel what they feel, and it’s better to try to understand rather than to insult and belittle.
Sometimes, partners will become angry if the other cries. Or, they insult the other if they feel sad about a situation that does not help strengthen a relationship. Instead, it signals a significant sign of disrespect. When people do not respect each other’s emotions, break-ups are usually on the horizon.
Superiority Complexes
When couples do not see eye-to-eye on expressing their emotions, they often are struggling with one partner feeling superior to the other. This is not a healthy way for either partner to live as one generally feels in control of the other. When someone thinks they are above others, others feel inferior, so the relationship does not consist of equal parts.
When one partner is put down, that partner begins to feel contempt toward the other. These feelings lead to divorce more often than not. Superior partners often criticize their partners, which makes them feel defenseless and full of contempt. Communication breaks down, and relationships fail.
Lack of Respect
Along with treating a partner as less-than-equal, the lack of respect is also why relationships fail. Even though you are a couple, you are both individuals who deserve respect for your unique abilities. When one part of the couple does not give respect to the other, communication breaks down and relationships do not last.
Couples that do not respect each other do not understand each other or see each other as valuable humans. One partner is superior, and one is inferior, even though the couple might not agree on who is who. Respect goes a long way when it comes to communication, expressing emotions, and sharing life’s ups and downs.
Lack of Listening
To show respect, couples need to listen to each other. Humans have two ears and one mouth, so they should listen twice as much as they talk. But, in today’s world, listening skills tend to be weak. We listen so we can respond, rather than listen to understand. Listening to someone talk about their day is a sure sign of respect.
Partners appreciate being heard, and they get frustrated when their loved ones ignore them. Think of how good it feels to be able to share your experiences with someone who truly loves to listen to what you have to say. Look your partner in the eye, put down your phone, and listen. Your relationship will be better for it.
Not Participating in Arguments
Couples argue. It is just a way of communicating. But, when one partner refused to participate and withdraws; instead, the partnership could be close to failing. Removing from arguments is a sign that the partner does not want to work on the relationship. Instead, it shows they do not care if the partnership fails or succeeds.
Not that arguing is a sign of a healthy relationship, but working out problems is healthy. Partners should be able to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of retribution. When one partner does not feel worthy of sharing, the relationship is unbalanced and bound for an end. If something matters, it is worth fighting for, even in a relationship.
Lack of Self-Confidence
When partners do not participate in arguments, or they feel inferior, they have a lack of self-confidence. This can often stem from the superior partner creating these feelings, but it can also stem from deeper emotional problems. Insecurity can create issues in a relationship, primarily if the stronger partner feeds into the lack of self-confidence of the weaker partner.
Another issue that comes from insecurity and lack of self-confidence is overly relying on the stronger partner. Insecure people cannot make decisions, and they often get lost in life. They count on their partner to save them, even in small situations that wouldn’t trouble most people. It can be challenging to stay with someone who does not believe in themselves.
Insecure people are often unable to define themselves as individuals. They put all of their value on the relationship, which puts a lot of pressure on the stronger partner. The stronger partner can become frustrated and can start to feel alone, as the insecure partner does not offer much companionship as an equal human.
Desire to Change Your Partner
The lack of self-confidence can make partners want to change each other. This, too, can lead to relationship failure. When you are in a relationship, you should love your partner as is. If you cannot do this, then you shouldn’t be in the relationship. You should not feel the need to change your partner to fit your ideal.
If you wish your partner were different, then your relationship is doomed. Your love should be unconditional. Otherwise, it isn’t a healthy relationship at all.
Unfortunately, the need to change a partner often comes from an outside source. Parents have ideas about the perfect partner for their children. When parents put down their children’s partners, those children decide that they need to change their partners so their parents will be happy.
Healthy relationships need space away from childhood family structures. Instead, the childhood family relationship should develop boundaries so the couple can build their own healthy relationships. When a family gets overly involved, bad things tend to happen in relationships. Choose your partner for your needs, not for your parents’ needs.
Displacing Anger on Each Other
There will be times when couples are angry at things in their lives. Since partners often work in different places, partners do not always understand the stress each other feels at work. Instead, they might take out their anger on their loved ones rather than dealing with it healthily.
The same can happen when family members create drama. Rather than working out the problems with parents or siblings, partners often displace their anger on their spouses. Partners should be able to communicate their frustration and anger, but not get angry at their partners for no apparent reason.
Failing to Take Personal Responsibility
Another issue to blame for why relationships fail is not taking responsibility for actions or words. When partners blame each other for matters without looking at themselves first, the partnership is doomed to fail.
Some partners will say or do terrible things. Then, they blame those actions and words on the other partner. They say things like “Your apathy made me do it” or “If you show you cared, then I wouldn’t have to say those things.” This behavior is hurtful to the victim and leaves the offending partner off the hook.
On the flip side, some partners will turn themselves into victims, so they take all of the blame. Being a victim is more comfortable than being the tough guy. They might free up the abusive partner by placing blame on themselves, “You wouldn’t have said that to me if I weren’t to blame.”
Keeping Secrets from Each Other
Some relationships end because partners keep secrets from each other. Some couples have secrets and lie about them, too. They may keep secrets to protect their partners from bad news. They might also keep secrets about cheating or lying, too. Since couples and their friends are connected, partners usually find out about the secrets.
In a healthy relationship, couples go through good and bad together. They share the responsibilities of their lives together. They don’t lie, and they don’t keep secrets. Keeping secrets only escalates as more and more secrets are kept.
Lack of Trust
When couples keep secrets, lie to each other, and play blame games, it is no surprise that they develop trust issues. When partners cannot trust each other, the relationship usually ends quickly. It can be challenging to build trust in the first place, but it is easy to lose it. If you are going to spend your entire life with a partner, you should be able to trust that partner.
Lack of trust does not have to end a relationship. But, if partners work hard to re-establish trust, it can take faith in the here-and-now. Looking to the past and worrying about the future can keep the lack of trust going.
Never Forgetting and Forgiving
There will be times when partners make mistakes. These mistakes can require the other partner to forgive and forget. The partner who made a mistake often has to work hard to prove they deserve their actions to be forgiven and forgotten. If mistakes from years gone by are continually rehashed, couples can struggle to rebuild trust.
Human beings make mistakes. Partners who are humble and genuinely want to repair the relationship should be given a chance to do so. This might require the other partner to decide to forgive and forget. It is tough to do, but the relationship might be worth it.
Lack of Empathy
One of the essential traits in humans today is empathy. While some people might think compassion is something you have to experience, in reality, it is something that can be learned. It is the ability to understand how someone feels. So, a partner trying to make amends for a mistake should be recognized and accepted by the other partner.
When couples do not have empathy, partners degrade each other’s emotions. If a partner is hurting, the other might say sentences that start with “At least” Instead, partners should listen and try to understand the emotions, without judging. It really isn’t hard to do. It just takes some awareness and practice.
For the partner who does not receive empathy, the relationship can feel one-sided. Knowing that a partner understands how you feel is vital to the success of the relationship. Thinking a partner doesn’t understand can be akin to believing the partner doesn’t care or want to bother.
Lack of Gratitude
When partners act like they don’t care, they do not show that they are thankful for their partners. The lack of gratitude can be exceedingly hurtful. Not showing appreciation is undermining to a relationship. Partners need to thank each other for doing what they do for the relationship.
Partners appreciate being thanked. When they aren’t, they start to think that their time and energy aren’t valuable. Working at home or office is essential. Both are necessary to keep relationships moving. No one wants to be taken for granted, and without occasional gratitude, that’s how they feel.
Partners Are Self-Centered
When partners do not thank their partners, their partners begin to think the other is self-centered. Relationships require the work of both people. Unfortunately, some partners believe everything is about them. Relationships need to have some give and take from both partners.
Without both partners being an equal social exchange, the relationship will have issues. One partner should not be rewarded more than the other. It is essential that partners feel like they are treated equally. Otherwise, partners start keeping track, which can be problematic as it can be difficult to quantify social exchanges. With gratitude and empathy, partners will feel appreciated.
Differing Options on Social Situations
Some partners struggle with differences on social issues. One is often alcohol. If one partner likes to drink, but the other doesn’t, social situations can be awkward for the one who doesn’t. Couples who drink alcohol together stay together at higher rates than those with different drinking behaviors.
Another social issue that can cause problems is a private one. Behaviors in the bedroom can strengthen or weaken a relationship. As some partners have different views of sex than others, the differences can make relationships suffer. Couples need to come to terms with their sexual preferences to keep the relationship together.
Another reason why relationships fail is not going out on dates together. Couples who have been together for years should continue to go out on dates. It is important to keep showing each other how much they love each other. Dates are an excellent way to do it.
Fortunately, couples can remedy many of these issues by intentionally making small changes when interacting with each other. These changes can be the difference between living a happy life together or ending a relationship in a painful divorce. Couples have to decide what is important to them.
