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Why a Girl is Acting Cold and Distant – What to Do When She Backs Away

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A girl that is acting cold and distant may prove to be a frustrating situation for any guy. Learn what to do when she backs away from you.

A common issue that many guys have faced in one time of their lives or another is a girl or even a girlfriend that starts to act cold and distant. A woman may back away from her plans without warning – even though you guys seemed to have great dates and chemistry!

Does this scenario seem familiar?

So you’ve had a couple of really great first dates – and everything seems to be running smoothly. She answers your texts within minutes, and it’s not uncommon for the two of you to text back and forth on a regular basis.

girl acting cold How A Woman Starts to Act Cold & Distant?

Suddenly, without warning – her good morning and good night texts no longer become apparent. She’s taking longer to answer your text messages. Rather than minutes, she’s now taking hours or even days.

To your dismay – you might even try to ask her out on another date but she is acting evasive and aloof about her schedule!

 Worse of all – you might even have begun to get attached to this girl. In fact, the more interest you show – the more she seems to back away!

What to Do When a Girl is Acting Cold and Distant?

Before we can talk about what to do if she begins to act cold and distant, you must learn why a girl acts distant and cold in the first place.

If your girlfriend is suddenly acting cold and distant, there may be very distinct reasons why. I cover a few reasons below:

girl acting distantReason #1: She’s Acting Cold and Distant Because Her Interest Level is Dropping- This is by far the most obvious reason – but a reason that many guys can’t see in the midst of their infatuation with a girl. It doesn’t matter if you’d had 3 or 4 even 10 great dates – a girl can start to act cold and distant often without warning. This is due to her interest level dropping.

Her interest could be dropping due to a variety of reasons, but after years of this happening to me – I rationalized it out to a few main reasons:

You Became Too Needy & Desperate

There’s no bigger turnoff for a woman than a guy that is needy and desperate. If you are being too available or too quick to answer her text messages – stop now. This means taking longer to answer her messages – being less available and not taking the first offer for a date. Yes, it might seem like your playing games – but modern dating today is mostly a chess game.

You’re Too Much of a Nice Guy- Yes, you don’t want to hear this but women prefer the “sexy” guy over the “nice guy.” Deep down, they want the bad boy who lives on the edge. If you always cater to a woman’s needs – she will find you unattractive. This was my problem for many years. It’s a fallacy that niceness will attract women. Stop now.

Reason #2: A Girl May Act Cold and Distant Because She’s Talking to Another Guy- Yes, she might have an ex-boyfriend that she recently started talking to again. Maybe a new guy that she recently met on a dating site or even someone at the coffee shop that caught her eye.

If this is the case, it is rarely worth trying to compete against the other guy. You will lose every second of your time. If she has gone cold, she has made a conscious decision. Her actions are telling the whole story.

Reason #3: She Might Be “Unsure” About Her Feelings Towards You – Typically, when a girl backs away – this is because she is unsure of her relationship and she needs time to sort out whether she wants to continue the relationship or formally break it off with you. (You will get the blatant “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” speech if she decides the latter).

If she has become unsure of the relationship, surely you have done a few things that may have turned her off (too needy, too available, too much of a “nice guy” and you lost your sex appeal)

Reason #4: She’s Become Bored of You: A girlfriend may act cold and distant because you have become boring to her. Are you taking her out on boring dates, maybe doing the same routine over and over? Perhaps the spark when she met you is gone. You are no longer the same “bad boy” she thought you were.

What To Do if a Girlfriend Acts Cold and Distant

It can be quite disheartening when a girlfriend begins to act cold and distant – particularly if you’ve begun to get attached (catch feelings) for a girl. This is all the worse if you’ve become emotionally invested and you are more interested in her than she is of you.

If Your Girlfriend is Acting Cold – Pull away: Give her the space she needs for her interest level to come back up. If she’s interested at all – she will eventually contact you. This can be hard to do – especially if you’ve become too attached to the girl.

Have you been acting too clingy (aka demanding too much of her time?) In fact, this could the reason why she’s pulling away in the first place. Your level of interest should mirror hers. If she texts you once, text once back.

Apply the “No Contact” Rule with a Woman

Immediately stop all contact with her – and make a conscious effort to set dates with other women. Texting her, calling her and drowning her with messages will only confirm her suspicions that you really are that desperate, needy guy she thought you were.

Wait for her to contact you and wonder about you. This could be days, weeks even a month from now. Put the ball in her court – and if she has one ounce of interest – she will eventually contact you.

And once she does, immediately set a definite date. No small talk or B.S. on the telephone for 30 minutes.

Start Talking to Other Women ASAP

The key to a successful dating life is abundance. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket – surely not a cold and distant girl. At any given point, you should be talking to at least 3 or 4 other girls unless you are in a serious relationship.

Realize, if a girl has gone cold and distant, this is a bad sign. It rarely turns around for the better. In my own experience, it only goes downhill from here. A woman that acts cold and distant may make excuses for her behavior. Being busy, or dealing with family members are some common excuses. She is suddenly “too busy” to see you.

You deserve better, so start talking to other women immediately.

Don’t Act Butthurt or Frustrated

The next time you see her (if you see her again assuming her interest level is still high enough) – don’t act mad or bothered by her behavior. Confronting her about her acting distant or cold rarely works. She may change her behavior temporarily, but it won’t work. Again, it will only inspire her to cheat on you behind your back – since her actions indicate she isn’t happy with the relationship in the first place.

Is It Possible to Recover When a Girl Acts Distant and Cold?

Yes, it’s possible. But you have to quickly identify what actions or behaviors you may be doing that are turning her off. If there is another guy in the picture, saving the situation is like trying to patch a hole in the Titanic.

In most cases, the solution is: pull away and talk to other women while you wait to see if she comes back around. Most of all, continue working on yourself (gym, exercise, socialize, diet, etc) while you wait!

I promise that waiting and not contacting her will be more painful than anything else you’ve experienced. It’s so tempting to try to contact her just one more time… but doing so won’t help your case.

If she does come back around, she may wonder about you or perhaps she may have been genuinely busy. If not, you’ll have to chalk it up as a loss. But at least now you know where you stand with her.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Juanita Thomas says

    No person, male or female, wants someone so needy they are after them all the time. The way a man builds a serious relationship with a woman, if he likes her, is to simply be himself. Share his heart, share the things he likes. And if you have some baby, yes she may like the “bad” boy, but mature women appreciate a consistent loving man, not some guy who is playing games with them.

    • TheChosenOne says

      I want a needy girlfriend, because I know she wont go anywhere but be with me, ive been with so many girls that arnt needy that end up with other guys or plays hard to get, in my head im assuming theyre messing around somewhere else

          • Haaris says

            LOL. Most of the definitions of “needy” are full of crap now a days to be honest. First of all, communicating all the time is amazing. You do realize that marriage (which is where ANY relationship should go) requires over communication. So this bullshit about needy and communicating all the time is crap.

            Just confront people head on. She goes cold turkey, call her out on it. If she wants to keep it up, let her know that you are moving on to other people. She may or may not come back but f*ck it. If she doesn’t want a king, then she never deserved one in the first place.

          • Landon says

            Needy woman are cute but definitely a nightmare but a distant woman is also so as men we lose either way

    • Sara says

      This is ridiculous advice. Games. Maybe she is responding to the way you are acting/look at your own actions. Be honest, and vulnerable in calmly talking to her. I’ve acted cold and distant mostly only when I feel like a guys is not being honest about his feelings/stepping up. Honesty and vulnerability are attractive and a good woman that likes you will not. be pushed away from that. No amount of games will pull the relationship through in the long run.

      • Todd Karutz says

        I hate games too but I don’t agree. I think a lot of these things are sub conscious. If you are too needy or too nice I think women will become less attracted to you over time.

    • Coko says

      You should look to see if she is pushing away to protect her own heart. Men or women aren’t perfect. My husband I loved and appreciated for years. The year we had so much fall on our shoulders one right after another. Then we started fighting saying bad this about each other and it got worse I just stayed to myself everything I said came out wrong and he go mad so I started.to stay silent he said I was mean and a controlled him. I was a narcissist. I never thought I was only because we had been fight other than that he is my soulmate he makes me mad because he doesn’t understand my depression and nothing I say is good enough I love him so much but I don’t think he is happy anymoe it will kill me but I think he already has plans don’t always think I girl giving the cold shoulder is because she has some one else you never know she might need your shoulder to cry on

  2. HEHE says

    As a girl in a relationship, one reason she may be pulling away is because she thinks you need space.

    Also a possibility, she might be on her period, it can make you feel awful and not want to be touched. BUT DO NOT ASK, I CANT SAY THIS ENOUGH. Just wait a week and if she still distant then its not that.

    • Denis says

      What about if she thinks you will cheat on her? I had this litterally perfect one month of adventure and true love with my current girlfriend (if i can even still say she is my girl) and then all the sudden she got cold and distant, and often she asked me if i’m just using her or if we would work? And i comforted her and said yes, actually i showen her a lot of interest and made sure as hell i want only her and then it’s been more than a month since we saw each other (she is constatly working and doesn’t have time to meet up with me, we’re living a huge distance appart for a few months now) and she even stopped goodmorning/night texts, or sweetwords or even giving attention to me… and i hate to say it, check her snap score and see she’s talking to other people, when i finally got enough balls to put some pressure on her and ask her wtf is going on if it’s someone trying to tell her sth about me and we came to a conclusion that one of her ‘older’ friends is trying to brainwash her into a fact when he was my age he only looked for sex and blablabla and she actually believes him, and that’s the reason for my girl being distant, if it’s even true i think after all she is the one using me not the opposite…. what can i do in my situation?

      • chris says

        Kind of late, but man this really sucks. Sorry you have to go through with this. You should confront your friend about what hes saying. Is what he’s saying true? If it isn’t then you should confront him with your love interest, lets call her, and set things straight. Frankly though, you should tell her that if she doesn’t value you enough to talk to you first instead of just freely accepting what other people tell her about you, maybe she isn’t worth your time and you deserve someone who has a better head on their shoulders. It’s understandable to be worried about that thing with your partner but she could at least do you the courtesy of respecting your character and asking you first and telling you about your friend. So I say, tell the truth and stand up for yourself, and move on and maintain your confidence. You might not be able to make her believe you, but simply tell the truth, and state that with conviction without worrying about whether or not she will believe you. Personally I wouldn’t be able to continue on with a partner who doubted me so much like that without any proof.

        • chris says

          Also, what if she is simply trying to move on from you herself and is using what you explained as an excuse… Especially if the move was already planned. Something to consider, even though it might be hard to swallow.

      • TheChosenOne says

        I would of told her shes a dumbass for believing him instead of me and talking to me about it, and then I would go looking for him and threaten to knock his ass out for ruining my relationship no joke

  3. Z says

    I already messed up it’s too late for me lol. I had her in my palms first date kissed and everything and then all of sudden months later she’s ignoring me and being distant. I’ve been keeping consistent she’s very busy but as soon as it gets closer to meet up she goes cold turkey. And yup everything u stated almost fits my situation. being busy it’s not going to turn around. This infatuation is a bitch. But luckily I am talking to someone else need to invest more into her

    • Perruzzzzziiiiii says

      We had an argument that almost lead to a break up a week later ibinvited her and took her out tho she acted cold throught the invitation process That night after the outing we discussed our problems and we both slept off..the next day i was off to work ,coming back she already left..i called her and she told me she went to where she told me about and promised to call me back,,i also never contacted her,which she never did untill 6days later..when she called me she actually said few words he voice was calm i ddint know what to tell her so i kind of complained of my background noise and wen she dropped i switched off my phone on it after some mins..i was trying to control my emotions. Do i need to text or o something i obviously dont wish to call her back!.

  4. Erik W. Swanson says

    What happens if you confront your gf about cheating and she swears up and down that she isn’t and acts very hurt. This would be a relationship destroyer wouldn’t it? Of course you would have to take her word for it unless you assumed she was cheating and lying to you about it. Then what?

  5. L says

    I agree with HEHE that one key reason could be that she thinks or you made her feel that you need your space, thus she cuts back on all the texting.

    If that really is the case, the no-contact rule and texting other ladies would be very detrimental to your relationship. It would make her pull away for good if she ever finds out you were playing such games.

    I suggest having a conversation (direct and to the point) with her to find out the exact reason she grew cold instead of making needless assumptions. She could be having problems which she didn’t share.

  6. Valerie says

    Most of these arnt true for most relationships.Maybe in the initial stages of dating yes but not long term .
    A girl might just need spacw to deal with something going on in her life and she doesnt think you might understand or shes been hurt before and starts seeing the traits of her exes in you so she pulls away 😅 or you said or did something that might have come out as rude or upset her so she’s distancing herself from you. To be honest no two women are entirely the same but reasons for this may be about you or anything else and she distances herself. Dont give her space! Dont do the no contact rule! Just ask her what the silence is about and you may be surprised by what you hear.

    • Brendon says

      Hi there I’m Brendon. I’m in a situation where my GF which is a long distance relationship after rekindling our love after 25 years. She is the love of my life.

      We initially have been getting on well and have meet twice and stayed in hotels together so we can enjoy each other the best we can. We are getting to know each other all over again and we have had a couple of blips but we have worked through them.

      My love sent me a Christmas card in which she expressed her undying love towards me but all through Christmas and New Year, she has failed to contact me very much and have the reason as being that she got swept away with all the festivities.

      When I have text and called, many times she has not answered and when she has, she has been very distant. This has really been upsetting me because I’m in love with this woman and I always have been.

      Why do you think she is acting this way towards me?

      I look forward to getting a ladies point of view on this.

      My kindest regards
      Brendon

  7. Haya says

    If you are being in a relationship and there are some obvious problems you two have than maybe she gets distant because she loses faith you can solve them. She takes less time, less energy she invests and sooner or later she gets so cold that you separate. If she is not having loyalty issues then she does not find another one in a meantime.
    If you want to prevent it remember what are the things she is constantly saying she does not like you that you are doing them and work on those. I remember I was having a guy who was having many many female coworkers who were calling, texting, going on a coffee with him while I was alone at home. He spent that much time away and I was trying many times to tell him how it’s not right what he is doing, that I need him too, that I don’t like he gives them priority but never he changed anything.
    After time I had enough of fighting so I stayed quiet and changed myself. No other option. So I got distant. A lot until I left. He was crying for years then to come back. Really for years. When I left he started to think but unfortunately it was really too late. I barried us and moved on. So be careful when she is expressing her feelings of not being happy. If you do things wrong, especially if you have female friends, be aware that she may find a guy who does not need all this female energy atound himself.

  8. Jay says

    This is why I don’t date anymore. Honestly, I’ve given up on it all. The games you have to play is ridiculous. If you aren’t sharp and arrogant you stand no chance. I guess I’ll just have to accept my genes will disappear into the ether. This is coming from a good looking guy but f..ck dating is brutal.

  9. Winwin says

    excuse me….this article made me LOL so hard. You are telling men to act feminine. To tall a guy to give a woman space and that she will eventually contact you is to expect her to step into masculine energy. Also, to tell a man to not contact or pursue a women, you are sking him to step into feminine energy. This article is sooooo wrong, I don’t even know where to start or end it. P.S. I am a feminine woman and a feminine woman loves receiving from a masculine energy man and that INCLUDES getting phone calls and texts from him. Jeez

    • chris says

      Seriously. The funny thing about advice like the above is that it never works. Your approach to everything is so perfect and simple however. Males should maintain actions that coincide with masculine energy and vice versa. The more one strays into the other energy, problems are going to arise like distance and unspoken words or dissatisfaction etc because an aspect is missing from one of the energies and the flow stops. Men, you gotta be more courageous. Forget about the useless tips and tricks. Be courageous, straightforward, and honest or don’t do anything at all. Thats all you should need to succeed. If you’re at a place where she’s distant, you probably weren’t enough of these things in the process and she could tell.

      • Tony says

        …”and she could tell” hahah the way everyone thinks here is crazy. You write about women as if they have the answer to how a guy should be. That he should be in a certain way to suit them. I am a good looking man and i have had it pretty easy with woman and that is beacuse i wont play their games of what they think they need. Here is a rule for all the men to follow: NO WOMAN KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS AS A MAN SHOULD KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS. Let those words sink in. Think them over. Women are LOST compared to men. It’s totaly up to men. The world is a jungle and mens genes are built to take whatever he needs. You just have to practise that with confidence and no BS, no games and no sensitivity.

        If you really need help. Contact me: tonyvoltaire@gmail.com

        Ciao!

        • Andrea says

          You’re wrong. Not all men know what they want and vice versa. I would say that never undermine his or her character, family orientation, kind of friends he or she has, his or her daily life, and how he or she treats others.

          It doesn’t work. My ex-husband thought like you. Too bad, I’m not taking him back. I can live without a man. I’ll do one night stand with hot guys. I’m not ugly or fat at all. I don’t need to deceive men to get them in bed, unlike males in general.

          True, women can find sex without much an effort because guys are horny. And, we can afford to be choosy.

          • Joe says

            You will be a lonely cat lady thinking sex equates to intimacy. One day you’ll look up and be too old to find a quality mate. Good luck

    • NERO-WAN says

      and this is where some women become selfish and think the whole world revolves around them. So that even if you are acting emotionally distant, the guy should still keep his attention pouring in? Give us men a break! This is the dawn where both men and women work hand in hand. If I find out that a woman I’m with is acting cold and distant, I’ll point it out to her as many times as possible. If she still continues to act distant then it’s bye bye for me. I can’t be investing into something I know won’t yield anything. I am better off investing the same measure of time and attention into someone else who would appreciate it.

  10. PC says

    Fact is, if a girl is interested in you and into you, she’ll let you know in her actions. When a girl feels like she’s in control, you’ve already halfway lost her. A girl has to know that you can do without her for her to have any long-term interest in you at all. They don’t want wimps, they don’t want crybabies, they don’t want clingy…huge turnoffs for them. Show intial interest, pursue a bit, let her know you like her and then let her come to you, and if she doesn’t, move-on. And if she was halfway interested in you in the 1st place, perhaps she’ll come knocking again when she knows you can do just fine without her. You’re welcome fellas.

  11. Cameron says

    I need someone advice and quick plz 🙁 so me and my girlfriend have been dating for 3 months and everything seemed perfect for the first 2 1/2 months. But then I left her bc she was acting distant for no reason. Finally we got back together. She used to answer my phone calls all the time.. she used to seem happy but when I called her in the middle of the night she said “dont fu**ing call me When im trying to sleep. Any advice plz I’ve been crying for a week straight

  13. Jessica says

    Woooooow… NOBODY TAKE THIS ADVICE I AM BEGGING YOU!!! Men if you feel your woman or someone you’re truly interested in is being distant man tf up and ask her about it! It’s simple! As a woman if I become distant in a relationship it’s normally because I feel the man isn’t delivering or truly invested as he may say. I may also feel he needs some space so I back off. If it’s a casual situation I may just be dealing with personal issues and I don’t want to burden him or I don’t want to make what we have more than it is if we haven’t had a discussion about what we are or were we’re going. Men always complain about women “nagging” so there very well maybe an issue that we just haven’t addressed yet so that we won’t be the nagger. This article is so far off and the “silent treatment” will just make things worse! God please NOBODY listen to this crap! Be a man sit your lady down and TALK TO HER! Who wrote this a 12yr old?!

  14. DA Mann says

    Hey women are smart individuals. Whatever you may be feeling she is well aware of it. She is born with more feelings than you.

    Sometimes women are not use having or getting exactly what they say they want and it gets scary for them, especially if they are use to chasing a man.
    You need to study a women before you put all of your feelings out there. Let her chase you and you be reserved for a while. Making yourself too available and giving her everything she wants will make her think you are needy or desperate.
    Remember she has guys trying to hollar at her all the time. Keep your options open. You will become more attractive when she see other women want you. Always keep other women in the picture until you decide to go serious…..and sometimes even after going serious you still might want to consider having friend girls.

    • jen says

      Nah, I just run down the hills. I often find it laughable when they all end up blaming me for their own behavior. There is no room for games with men and women who play tactics of teenagers (in grown-up adults).

  15. Tiffany says

    These answer are F ing stupid and untrue except for the one where she questions her relationship with you. Absolutely false. We Women are emotional creatures. Maybe something turned her off within the relationship. Maybe you promised to change your ways and didn’t do so. I’m sure a woman in a relationship would ask her boyfriend over and over again to stop or if she’s worried about things that he’s doing. We ask you dumb asses all the time we talk a lot. Dammit we are known for talking. But it just seems to go through one ear and out the other and you would wonder suddenly why women change overnight. She got tired of your bullshit. Next time let a real women write this article a woman that’s probably hitting her 40s or 50s. I feel it was a guy who wrote this doesn’t know anything about a woman because he’s not a woman !!! And Vice versa.

  16. mira says

    I read all comments here, and do not agree with many of them. I am a woman. I usually pull away from a guy Ive been dating wenn he is not giving me enough attention and when his action are hurting my feelings. So, if I feel hurt, I would pull away from a guy that I am seeing/dating.

    If I am loosing interest, then it is another story. Hell know it right away. There is no playing hot/cold, no pulling away. Hell simply know that I am no longer interested and that will be very clear to him. So, if you girl is suddenly becomming distant, it is most likely that she is hurted by your action or that she thinks that you do not like her that much.

  17. Justine says

    This is advice for a “nice guy” who may come on a little strong, but not good advice for those in relationships. Sometimes women pull away because they realize they are putting way too much effort in and that their partner maybe isn’t treating them well enough. It could also mean that they feel like you aren’t letting them in emotionally, using them for sex, cheating on them, etc. If you listen to the above advice in that situation, you will definitely end up as exes.

    • rose says

      Why is she acting distant?
      – she indeed lost intrest! ask her and you will know
      – most common reason; dating coaches teach women they need to let the man chase and be a little bit hard to get! It is common that man stop persuing once they know the girl is intrested in them… to avoid this, she ACTS aloof.
      And here we go: 2 people liking each other, wondering if the other is intrested or not!
      Classic thing is MAN persues!!!! This is engrained!!!
      So woman are advised to back of and make the man miss here.

      SO just ask her!!! and

  18. Haha says

    Girls are mysterious i had a girlfriend who i dated in my last year of highschool. When we were about to graduate she decided to breakup. So after a year she said she missed me so i met her and talked a lot and got back together. Then after only a week later she got cold. WTF did i do wrong yes i did act clingy and acted so nice (i even can’t remember when was the last time i acted like that) but 2 months she was going to Australia to study for a fcking 4-6 years.

  19. Erik L Gibson says

    If someone is immature and fickle then you are wasting your time, plain and simple. When you interest, let her know you like her and she tells you the same but does not act upon it or give you a chance or distances herself from you then obviously she has some personal issues or hasn’t matured since the 6th grade, it’s a waste of time. A lot of people think you have to play games or babysit but you don’t. If you are an honest and real person you don’t tolerate silly behavior or want to be around people who are inconsistent, trifling, confused or disrespectful. Tell her you are interested and let her come to you, and if she doesn’t, even if you find her attractive or adorable you really don’t know her (if you just talking or have been on several dates and are not in a relationship). In college I met a lot of girls who would make themselves available, say wonderful things, reciprocate and then out of the blue just disappear. It is worse than actual rejection but really it is all in your head. If you have strong character and self esteem you’ll realize it isn’t you, the person you are dealing with is wasting your time. Move on and forget about her.

  20. Jack says

    She never talks to me but we were never dating, she seemed fine to start when i asked her out but then thats when i learnt she doesnt like me because of her backing away. After that she had told me she didnt like me and i accepted that and tried not to act upset, from then thats when she started this behaviour. She never replyed to my texts in MONTHS and was very distant, even though i had been completley not going near her. So i i was upset at this point as she had left me completley. That girl never talks to me any more and i want to know why so i can see if i can help. If anyone can tell me the reason i thank them

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