We all have a past, even that beautiful woman who you want to date or are dating. A past is what makes up who we are now. Mistakes are made so that we can learn what we want, what we don’t want, and who we want to be. If you are judging a woman’s past, then you are not going to be happy in your relationship – at all.
“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy
Judging A Woman’s Past Makes You View Her (Unfairly) Negatively
It is interesting how you can absolutely fall in love with a woman, but when you think about her past she becomes someone uglier or non-attractive in your eyes.
She’s still the same person, just your perception of her has changed.
Therefore, when you are judging her, YOU are making her into someone she is not. You are holding her past over her head as if she IS her past, and you are not seeing the fact that her past is just her past, and she is not the woman she once was.
The biggest thing that men judge women on is how many men they have slept with. I’ve heard many guys talk about how they hate their woman’s sexual past, and how much it disgusts them. Yet, in the same breath they talk about how they have never met anyone so kind, gentle, loving, and beautiful.
Well, which one is she? A disgusting human being or a loving human being?
The answer, to me, is quite clear. Once you make it clear to yourself, you can stop judging her and start seeing her for the person she is today.
Is It Human Nature To Be Judgmental?
Absolutely. I don’t know many people, including myself, who are not judgmental once in a while. However, it doesn’t really serve a positive purpose for us, and when the judgement enters our heads it should be just as quickly released. It should not be held onto and given the power to affect our emotions and thoughts,.
Sure, it can make us feel better about ourselves as we talk about how other people’s morals and actions are wrong, while ours are clearly right. But, it doesn’t make us feel better about the people and world around us; instead, it makes us squint our eyes and view the world as a dumb, wrong, and ugly place.
Being judgmental is not an attractive quality, and it promotes unhappiness in any person who practices it.
The Past Is The Past
You were not in her past, so you don’t know why she did what she did, what she was thinking, and where she was in her life. She did the best she could with the knowledge she had, and if she is a good person now, that means she learned a lot from her past about who she is and who she wants to be.
If you understand that she didn’t do anything in her past to hurt you or anyone in her future, then you may have an easier time accepting that she was living her life and it had nothing to do with you or your expectations.
Try looking at your own past decisions to understand why some circumstances happen in life and how the decisions we make are not always the smartest ones, but they are always the ones that teach us the most about who we are.
Accept that she is who she is (and was who she was). You cannot change her past, so accept that she is the woman she is now because of it, and be grateful that you met her at a time in her life when she had moved past many of the struggles she went through earlier.
In the end, if you are going to be with a woman, you have to accept her unconditionally – past, present, and future. If you cannot stop judging her past, then you are going to label her as someone she is not, and that will cause you to have a rocky relationship with her and, eventually, a breakup.
Jason says
What a pile of nonsense
Past behavior is an excellent indicator of future conduct (not just in dating but all areas of life). So judge all you want, because at the end of the day it comes down to what you are willing to live with.
Bellaisa says
I think you missed the point.
Just because a woman drinks too much when she is young doesn’t mean she is going to be an alcoholic in the future. Same thing with a man.
Change does happen life. It happens as we grow, become more aware of what we want in life, and develop new morals and values.
While it can be hard, and not everyone is capable of change (there are usually indicators that change has not happened), judging a woman to be who she was in her past is the pile of nonsense.
Manuel Gentile says
You’re right in the sense that you got the point of the article. However, for some of us (guys) it’s not just about knowing or believing that she won’t make the same mistakes again. A woman who spent her youth clubbing, drinking and sleeping around has a “criminal record” that will never go away, and that makes her ugly and unattractive regardless of her future behavior. That’s the way I feel! The minute I realize that, there’s no way I can develop any good feeling of love for her…I’ll always see her as the slut who enjoyed her youth and now is looking for a sucker who’s going to be with her. Don’t get me wrong, this goes either way. Guys who indulge in such nonsense should also be dismissed. Unfortunately we live in a society where these wrong values are eoncoraged and it’s hard to find someone whose worth to love. Very sad.
Mangalyaan says
Well basically those women are looking for a beta male chump who would be her future provider. So, pathetic I am already disgusted!
Cassandra says
What do you think of girls like me who just had been very unlucky with love.
My first sexpartner and I, had been together for one year, but we broke up ind the end. Second one, was a long distance, and we broke up as well. I will never do a long distance again. Third one I made the mistake of believing he would be my boyfriend if I just did have sex with him. Lesson learned, it did never happen. Fourth one, we were lovers for two years, but in the end we outgrow of eachother. Fifth one, lied to me. I was dating him for a month where we went out alot, and did a lots of date. He said he was my girlfriend, and talked about the future. I believed in anything and thought I have found a boyfriend I would share my life with. I slept with him, and then he ghosted me. (I figure out later that he actually had another girlfriend, and actually I messages her all the evidence, and she actually ended to break up with him). Over one year has passed…..and it was very hard to get over this boy….until I met my sixth. I have totally forgotten that I shouldn’t believe in just anything that quickly, but I did the same mistake again. This time I met with his mom, family and friends. We dated, a had a lot of fun. And he said “why would he want to sleep with anyone else with he had me”, And I said that I wanted us in a relationship, and he said yes. He said that he had feelings for me. And then I slept with him once, and then he left me.
So now I had have 6 sexpartners in my life. Am I ugly and unattractive?….. I just feel the two last guys was a big waste…. 🙁
NT says
My current girlfriend (who is 45) has slept with 19 guys (including me). Of those other 18, she has been with 3 of them in relationships for a total of 6 years.
Just before we got together she slept with a male colleague knowing that a female colleague was madly besotted with this girl she went off with.
And, the kicker is; my girlfriend didn’t even like this guy – she did it solely for attention.
I love my girlfriend and we’ve only dated for 1 year but I wonder how much she has chamged (she’s had numerous affairs with married men and cheated on her fiance).
I truly want to believe she has changed but these old stories of her eeks in my mind every now and then – does that make me a bad person that I cannot stop something in me?
Muthu says
You were unfortunate, naive and was hoping to do better. This is a good indicator. You will find love. There is a reason behind the behavior which tells us about the person. Yours was to find love.
San says
The damage to her kidneys is real.. Whether she stopped drinking a lot or left drinks altogether. Hope you get the picture.
Leena says
I am a female. Judging is something we can’t help doing. It is quite a natural thing. Never in my life I thought the man I had relationship with 7 years would turn into my biggest mistake after marriage. It hurts because he can’t seem to understand that sex is expression of love. He ruined our wedding night with, “let’s get an apartment first”. It hurts because he goes technical instead of romantic. It hurts because he has got clingy after I tried to communicate the issue with him. It hurts to realize that he was not man enough to say no to the pressure. No solution from others so far has worked. But I do have two. Either he reports his guy friends to police as his rapists or I get divorce from him for cheating on me.
Nick says
Please , of course you judge people on their past ! If she had sex with the whole football team in her past that’s ok ? the past is the past ? Really ? This is just women trying to justify their past , and it goes for men also
Dutch says
A woman’s sexual past matters more than a mans, and it is important to judge her because no man wants the residue of all the other men she has been with, there is something called microchimerism and pair bonding look it up, a man cannot be inserted into by a woman but a woman is a receiver and I would not want to be with any woman that has a high body count 1 is bad enough, women were not made to go from man to man to man because it not only does something to her physical but mentally as well so in conclusion her sexual past is way more important than a mans because of her biology makeup. In this case the past isn’t just the past it’s her worth and no man wants damaged used goods
Shree says
Even though I was trying to find love at the wrong places all my life, I realize that it’s no reason to justifying me trusting them each time thinking it’ll be different this time, and giving myself to them. And I know that no matter how much I have learned from all that and how different I am today, I know I should not expect anyone to be there with me to share their life with me. I fully accept the consequences of my actions and have decided to stay single and just be a good person and be of help to this world in any way I can. I forgive myself and I’ve started to love myself again and accept me for who I am, but I understand it is not fair of me to ask anyone in anyway to sacrifice their happiness for me. I know I have God’s love and forgiveness and that is all I need. 🙂
Barbara says
I disagree, the bad choices :she or he “may have made in the past ,is a direct relation the way or upbringing and social environment . And what is perceived or expected from that individual .If that is what she is seeing, learning and absorbing. Then that is exactly what she/he is going to know and the conflicts of having the knowledge can at some times be a challenge in a social standing with the peers The conflict of the peers ignorance Vs her on hands knowledge . A lot of time people say to get out of the “rut” of past aggressions and seek help or some way of finding the true inner self to what makes you tick. But, when you are in a dysfunctional environment in your upbringing brought on by racism , prejudices , or physical abuse and basically being judge on not being part of “that circle or group.” Then those are the results of someone who does function absolutely fine.To others it seems as a pathological behavior, while to the same environment of people; they adapt and understand the problem as well as seek a solution. The problem isn’t with the person The problem lies in the hands of the “bullies” – superior groups that feel they are entitled or far more educated that this particular person and based on what they know, will set an example of the so called “lesser” . So they will single out and literally pick on the victim. media bulling , social , and harassing behaviors .This is a very deep topic .We see this everyday in the society with large cultures and groups who rise and fall in their beliefs. Which is for the most part brought on by economical reasons by what i usually find.
Bellaisa says
I think what you’re talking about is a little more extreme than what I was talking about. But I see your point.
I was talking about being young, stupid, and making bad choices. This article was brought about because a guy was upset that a woman had slept with a certain number of people in the past, and even though she was everything he wanted, he couldn’t get past that fact.
Speaking from experience, I made some pretty shitty choices when I was younger, but it wasn’t because of my upbringing or social environment – I was just making stupid decisions because my awareness around what made me happy or not happy had not grown yet. To judge me or label me from those decisions would be ridiculous.
Mangalyaan says
@ Bellaisa May 4, 2015 at 10:13 am
I am not quite sure on how much they will change… but as per these articles below, things don’t look good to me:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/why-do-women-fantasise-about-sex-with-their-exes/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2206075/Women-nostalgic-men-sex-ex–THIRD-saying-sex-past-partner-better.html
linda spurway says
Thank you for this article , its helped me a lot, i even forwarded it onto my boyfriend of 2 years, i am now 50 but we all have a past which even at my age men find it hard to deal with, hes was married to 1 person all his life, i had 10 partners..
thanks again
L
CEH says
This article is also spot on in my relationship!
Will says
Actions have consequences. Yup. The truth hurts.
Jman says
Amen!
jimmy says
I have my mother was a virgin and my parents are also happily married. In my culture most women are virgins and divorces are next to nil.
Once women sleep around they loose their diginity and self worth. The more men she had slept with indicates how weak she is.
For example someone who has smoked cigarettes for the past 15 yrs is generally going to smoke another even if they try to quit.
This is why so many ppl are having divorces and cheating… cause these societies and women have lost there way
Paul says
I agree. I think past behaviour is a sign of weakness. But I understand the author in the sense that suppose I could never be with a smoker and then to find out my girlfriend used to be a smoker. Do I dump her because I can’t get over the fact that she used to smoke? Do I automatically think she’ll spark up again just because she used to do it a lot and enjoyed it a lot? Interestingly enough one of my friends married a girl whom he was the smoker and she refused to marry one. He told her he quit but I’m out with him smoking everyday and he goes to great lengths to cover it up. He did stop before they married but the stress has brought him back to what he truly enjoyed during tough times. Every man is thinking that when times are tough and she has been sleeping around before then she’ll just go back to that because it was fun for her. Now why would anyone want to marry someone like that. Girls who haven’t slept around tend to appreciate the guy they are married to if he is her first. Its too bad only a small percentage of guys will ever get to be a part of that miracle.
Claire says
So what about men? It’s ok for men to sleep around and they don’t lose any dignity or self worth?? The amount of women he has slept with shows how weak he is? It’s gonna be hard for him to quit sleeping around therefore he will cheat??? If you can’t replace “woman” with “man” in your comment, then something is wrong with you. Men are not superior to women… they can’t sleep around and it be totally acceptable, but yet if a woman does suddenly she is tainted. How on earth does that make sense? Both are human, and both do the same actions…why are those actions treated differently? It’s the same thing. If you sleep with 10 woman, that is the same as if a woman sleeps with 10 men.
Mangalyaan says
@Claire
True I agree with you., BUT from what I know a woman’s body has the tendency to sustain damage as the number of partners increase and increase. For ex: Her vagina turns into a sink hole from sleeping with partners of all varying sizes?
But at the same time from a religious point of view – the same standard is applied/commanded to both men and women.
Both of them have to keep the marriage bed undefiled!
Dan says
Absolutey right.. If a man cheats he will 95% be able to do it again.. Its what you’ve got to keep him there and the heirachy of the relationship who dictates who’s wearing the trousers and calling the shots.. Your deluded if you think people change
Joseline says
I personaally think ur wrong i used to sleep around nd cheat i didnt care of who i hurt untill i got hurt……. and the fact im a mother to 3 girls nd 1 boy has a lot to do with my change i see what i was nd i dont want my girls to go down that path….. im very mature now nd i dont live the same way nd yet i still get judged which isint fair…. men should not judge a woman over her past
Mangalyaan says
@Joseline
Yeah yeah, I have seen that a lot. A woman rides like crazy during her early teens and 20s. And obviously when she hits her early 30s.. its time to settle down. That’s when they hunt for beta male providers, putting on this fake manifestation of ‘CHANGE’.
You did not change, you just got bored of that past life and moved on. That’s it.
Omie says
So what if I debunk your theory by giving you the scenario of a young lady who lived that life from the age of 18-20 and stopped totally because she fell in love with a man whom she wanted to change for. She is 29years old now and she has never backslides for once but the so called man whom she changed for can’t seem to forgive her past. She has been dating him for 9years now and has never cheated on him. Anybody can make mistakes but they are also capable of change. Life is not just black and white dear.
Roselyn says
I’m just relife of a serious hurt by what I read here.
My husband to be wanna leave me because of my past that I’ve open up to him. He said, feel, and afraid I’m gonna cheat on after we get married. I told him I’ve changed I’m not the same person I was but he find it difficult to trust and believe me. And it makes me sad and hurt. But after reading this chats and comments I believe there is hope for me to leave and a reason to leave again . Thanks so much.
John says
haha my thoughts exactly bro
Nick says
My thoughts also
Garo says
Thank youuuuu!!!! Absolutely!!! And this is NOT about how many partners she had. That’s the least of my concern. For example, if she was lazy, and didn’t want to work hard and make a living decently, and decided to have sex for money, then even with 1 partner in her life I will never want to be with such people. People make decisions based on their personality, drive and wisdom. Some personality traits will never change no matter how much life teaches them. So if you have an issue with her past, then you have an issue with her! Expect not much different future…
Tom says
Complete, utter nonsense. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Otherwise, we would not have credit reports, job background checks, etc.
Will says
She did not value herself or her future husband enough to exercise some self control. She likely has self esteem issues and poor impulse control. She also has already “bonded” with many men, making it very difficult to bond with her husband. And there is very little sexually that she can discover first with her husband. She is damaged goods. Liberated women hate to hear that their actions have consequences. Most men don’t want to marry a slur.
Mr critic says
Is happiness the only thing that important when considering a relationship or more specifically a partner. There should be a balance between happiness in a relationship and meaning. Furthermore, not holding one accountable for actions in the past may indeed bring forth more hapiness. However, to what expense? Part of having a meaningful relationship means going through, accepting, and possibly rejecting someone’s behavior. It is this process that leads to a better realization of a partner’s motivations and self growth, even if it mean a couple of arguments. Knowing a woman’s past can give insight to her intellectual capacity if she understands and clearly highlights certain aspects of her past she might not be proud of. I’d rather her tell me and show me how she matured than to live in ignorance, blinded by the simple fact that I want to be happy. You can even argue, that is easier to be compatible with anyone if all you solely care about is happiness one can provide. For those who care about less shallow on the surface things about our lovers, a past is also an indication of ones mindset and ultimately values. True love stems from aligned values not simply happiness.
Gbade says
You are right.
Jansen says
Why should I lower my standards?
A woman who sleeps around knows it’s going to make her less desirable.
That’s her fuckin problem.
Bellaisa says
You don’t have to date a woman who has slept with a lot of men. If you find out a woman you are dating with has a past that you don’t agree with, you have every right to break up with her and find another woman. My point is that if you do want to date her knowing what her past is like, don’t judge her on her past.
Mangalyaan says
@Bellaisa
Yes, I agree. If a man being full aware of his woman’s sexual past, still wishes to pursue and marry her – then he has NO right to judge her about her past. It is just lame and counterproductive.
So, a word of advice to all men who suffer from this including myself: Before you get fully emotionally invested in a woman, please inquire on her past. If she doesn’t reveal or if anything sounds dishonest – then you gotta bounce!!
Draper says
If you dont want a divorce in the future, consider her past !. Past is a good predictor of the future. Humans dont change for the majority. It takes too much effort.
Bellaisa says
I think you are saying that getting married to any woman with a bad past is going to end up in divorce. So the only woman who would be suitable is one without a past where mistakes were made or pain was caused? I have never met a woman like that. If you know of one, please point me in her direction because I would love to interview her!
My point in the article is that anyone who has made poor choices in their past – man or woman – has the potential to be different today. Yes, it can take effort to change, but someone who learns from their mistakes or heartache WILL change. It’s important to gauge whether a woman learned from her past and blames/hates her past – in which case she may not have learned from it.
Leena says
I stayed virgin despite two stable relationships. They ended only because the men had to either go out of state or country. I then had relationship with my now husband for 7 years.
Amanda says
I think it might be worth it to add that if you meet someone who has never made a “mistake” or bad choice maybe they still have some to make in life and who is to say this “perfect” woman wouldn’t make those mistakes or bad choices (we for the most part need in order to grow and learn in life) while she is with you?
♡
Bellaisa says
Very good point Amanda! Thank you so much for commenting!
Menaka says
Awesome point!
Jman says
You are speaking in hypothetical tense. You can “what if” a scenario to death. Could she make a mistake – absolutely – but then again she may not. At least you get a clean slate to start with
Anon says
Hi Bellaisa,
I have a similar situation like this at the moment.
Any advice you’d care to email me?
Bellaisa says
What’s your situation Anon?
g says
I found out my girlfriend dated a man 14 years older than her at the time. She told me this before I asked her to be my gf. She introduced this man to her family, took him to thanksgiving. I am having a hard time coming to grips with this. Add to the fact she slept with him, and still hasn’t with me. Any advice?
admin says
If she told you before you asked her to be your gf, then the struggle you feel is on you. She didn’t hide it from you. You chose to date her despite what she told you. So, you need to come to terms with it, forgive, and move on from it. I think that’s the key – forgive.
I think the best way to do that is to understand and accept that she had a life before you and she made the BEST choices she could at the time.
She didn’t make her choices to hurt you. She made them because she felt like it was what she should do – and it was the only choice that made sense to her. In other words, her past wouldn’t have been any different. She wouldn’t have chosen not to date him because, at the time, it was an experience she needed to have.
And, she chose you because you are an experience she wants to have, and she chose to be honest and open with you which is a very good thing!
g says
thank you very much for the advice, if you have any more id appreciate it as well lol. Truth is, this is my first REAL longterm relationship ld i never thought this was something i would have to deal with. This was her last relationship, which makes it even harder for me to comprehend. Part of me likes that she has no number on love, but then i look at a picture of the guy and i get freaked the hell out that this guy has been where ive been. Immature or not it is what it is.
Ersen says
Hello, thank you all for great info.. I’m currently stuck in a dillema where I love her to death but can’t forget her past as it is making me see her ugly side.. I can’t get it out of my head yet I love her so much…. We are broken up but haven’t slept with anyoneelse because we can’t stop seeing eachother and cent get over our love…. Also it killed me mentally when I told her to cut all communications with her x lover who she calls friend, and she resisted, but finally did it.. That resistance was disrespectful to my standards…. She claims it wasn’t subjective to him, it was about not giving up control. So that made me dig in more… Please help..
Bellaisa says
Yeah, it just doesn’t sound healthy between the two of you. If you can’t get over her past, and you don’t have a lot of trust in her, then you are never going to be in a happy relationship with her. That’s just the bottom line.
Paul says
Yo. I’m in a similar but obviously different situation. In her case the ex already married someone else and they maintain a friendship. Both his new wife and I don’t really enjoy the fact that they have a friendship and of course it creates jealously. I actually told her to keep it to herself. I’m said that I will pretend it doesn’t exist. I never want to hear about him or what is going on. That I will blindly trust that she is with me and if she does care about me then to leave the past in the past. They can maintain there friendship but I don’t want it shared with me. Obviously, this doesn’t sound like a great idea because then its like she is keeping secrets from me but to be honest it is working for me. I believe a good relationship is built on trust and faith. The faith part being that the secrets that she might keep are in an effort to help us be a better couple. Who knows if this will work in the long run but I love her so much I’m willing to try whatever works. Maybe that is just my mistake to make 🙂
Lee says
Paul
Without the inclusion of very young children I question why anybody would want to maintain any contact with their ex ?
It’s totally disrespectful to anyone new & a very good indication of living in the past which reflects on their intent of a future with you.
I wouldn’t ever consider going anywhere near a girl who says she has anything to do with ex’s, there’s unfinished business there Paul, get yourself out & find someone who’s past is in the past & has respect for you.
The fact you say about keeping their past in their past, they’re not, she’s making it very much part of your current life & they’re both rubbing the noses of their respective new partners in it.
The fact she knows this hurts you & is causing trouble between the 2 of you but still keeps going should tell you everything you need to know about where her loyalty lies and her respect for you. They deserve each other, yourself & his new wife deserve a lot better.
I always only ever ask myself one question, would I do this to the person I love ? The answer is in the question.
I hope you find a nice girl one day.
Lee
Adelia says
I was in a loving relationship for the past three months. We were happy, talked about our plans for the future. While I could have kept my past to myself, I felt it important to share with my potential future man, especially since questions may arise in the future about things he would otherwise not understand. This article is so true, because even though what happened in my life was 20 years ago and my life has been free and clear of such bad choices for the last 16.5 years, this man decided to be judge and jury. His mean-spirited, retaliatory nature came out in droves, as though my past had anything to do with him? He may have viewed me as ugly, and I can tell you his reaction showed me how ugly he can be. Our relationship was destroyed, nearly overnight.
Bellaisa says
I’m sorry that happened to you Adelia. Sounds like you may have a dodged a bullet, though. If he was that angry over something that happened that long ago, any future mistakes might have warranted much more from him.
Lee says
Adelia
Exactly, ‘As if your past was anything to do with him’
YOU chose to make your past part of his life & his future with you by telling him things he didn’t want to know and clearly from your own admission didn’t ask you.
Do not criticize the man for having an opinion & feelings. Sounds like at the point you told him that he thought the world of you more than you’d ever comprehend, people who don’t care don’t get upset & the level of upset probably indicates the level to which he cared about you, whatever you told him you shattered that man’s entire belief system in you, that I’m fairly sure of, his anger was probably directed at himself for being an idiot & believing something in you that you never were from the point you made your choice 20 years ago.
It was YOUR choice to tear his heart out with your stories, not his. It was HIS right to not be told these things. You had no right whatsoever to make that decision for him.
Take responsibility and stop trying to justify the damage YOU caused.
You will get no sympathy from any decent bloke on here (or in life) who has been on the receiving end of yours & other womens little stories of the CHOICES YOU MADE. Perhaps you should have thought before making those choices at the time how you’d explain it to a decent bloke 20 years down the road that did see you as a lifelong proposition.
The recurring answer on this site (which is pretty good as far as honest answers go from a wide demograph of Males re Age & experience & culture) is, YES ladies, your past very much matters to any decent bloke in the future. Those blokes that themselves have mistreated women & used them for a quick sexual thrill or bragging rights with their mates couldn’t care less about what you’ve been up to, you’ll get a lot of sympathy from them, thankfully they’re few and far between on this site it seems.
Lee
Janean says
Need help 🙁 we’ve just turned a year in our marriage. Right now this is my currenf situation. As a wife, i feel worthless.
Paul says
Well don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s just angry that he wasn’t there in your past to have stopped you from doing the things that you did. I’ll tell you that for a guy we see how bad a lot of guys are. So when we hear about a girl that we love and care for having been owned by all these guys its just so disruptive. I mean its true that maybe you had a lot of fun in the whole experience. Ignorance is bliss basically. So you might be telling him a story and was saying how much fun it was but he is just thinking about how much that guy conned you for sex. Its better to just keep those stories to yourself. Continue to remember them the happy way you remember them and realize that his interpretation of that story is not going to be so happy. In this sense, a little information can be deadly but a lot of information can be catastrophic. The author is right in that you did nothing wrong believing what you believed at the time. But now, just empty it from your mind so that you can focus on the present and the future. You are only worthless if you live in the past.
David says
Does this not point to how important sex is in a relationship? All the ignorant sheep think that it’s a fun past time in their young years. All you are doing is slapping your future spouse in the face. Your immediate pleasure is more important than your future, your future husband, your future children. Sex is a powerful bonding action that creates another human being, your own flesh and blood. And you give it to someone on a ONS???? Someone whos cares nothing for you? STD’s and Abortion. Your husband was willing to give you everything!! Work, children, vacations. He’s going to hold your hand when you take your last breath. And he wasn’t worth the wait? This is what men think. Stop listening to the lies of society. It has nothing to do with religious virtue.
Paul says
I agree with your point. I actually missed out on a lot of lustful possibilities thinking to myself “I’m not sure if I want to do this and have to explain it to my wife one day”. I always thought that she would be thinking the same way so why would I hurt her like that. Turns out she was not thinking that way at all and went all opportunity seeking. It is a bit harsh to judge when you think about it in the sense of opportunity. David, can you honestly say if a smoking hot girl came on to you or groups of hot women came onto you in your youth you could have turned them all away for your future wife? I just don’t think any man would turn it down in there youth. You would just be thinking that any of those opportunities could be something real so why not embrace it. Its only later you realize that those hot chicks were bad news and add a better filter to your selection process. Sex is important but so is understanding opportunities in life. When you’re young, every opportunity is a great one and you want to see what the possibilities can be. I mean to be young, ignorant, and full of possibilities. I think the real problem every guy is getting jealous of is a huge lack of opportunity in there youth which a majority of guys have to live with.
David says
When it comes to selecting someone I want to spend the rest of my life with or someone to help raise my children that reasoning doesn’t matter. Life isn’t fair, that is a lie. I need to find the best option for my children and myself, otherwise we will live a life apart via divorce, alienation, infedility, etc.
Lee says
David
Your paragraphs should replace the entire article.
When will women wake up to the fact that any decent bloke very much cares about the past of their girlfriend/wife.
As a man I like to feel I have something very special to offer as I’ve never treated any girl as anything other than a lady who deserves respect & only ever been in long term relationships (the fact none of them turned out to be ladies is a different matter). It seems decent blokes who say ‘I don’t want a slapper who has given the most intimate thing away to any old Tom, Dick or Harry for the price of a Bacardi Breezer’ as a partner, then get lambasted by these women trying to justify their slutty pasts who are under some illusion they then have right to a decent bloke who will respect them.
It’s beyond offensive to a decent bloke to see womens writeups on these sites, either author or contributors trying to push the bullshit of being a different person when they were younger so it not actually being them, very much their same ankles in their same ears that had dozens of fly by nights between them.
Women really do, I’m sure, think blokes are stupid trying to push the different me then angle, no accountability for their past actions and expecting some mug in the future to accept their BS.
Personally I value a girl worth having, these women lost that value when they chose to be their ‘different person then’.
At least you have to respect the author of this for not selectively moderating the comments, I’m sure the overwhelming response by the men has been a real eye opener for someone who tried to justify something about women that’s very misguided when it comes down to how blokes really feel about the subject, not how women think or try to tell them the way they should feel.
Lee
Niquenique says
Hey ive been reading everybody advise and its pretty good i was hoping if you guys could give me some, ive been dating a girl who i really care about i think i might even love her for about 4 months when we mett i had no intensions of being with her i was just having fun i remember telling her not to tell me about her past and that it was irrelevant due to me having a problem with my ex past and she had only been with about 2-3 guys , so 2 months into us dating we really started falling for one another she slipped up and told me about a rapper who she slepted with i cant lie it kinda bothered me because hes popular and i listen to his music so even though i tried to not think about her being just a groupie who he smashed on the first night i couldint help it because i kept hearing his name so i finally asked her about her past and it suprised the fuck outta me , he was not the only guy she didint make wait she admitted that she never! Made any guy wait including me so i asked how many sexual partners have you had she said 12 and that i was 13 and shes 25 me personally i think thats alot and im just not use to being in relationships with a girl whos in the double digits then i seen a guy comment on her pic somthinh in me told me to ask her if she fucked him and she said yes but he wasint apart of the original 12 ! So i asked her why did you leave him out? She said that she forgot?? In my head im thinking either she fucked so many guys she lost count or she didint forget she just lying about how many she has and to think that she could be lying kills my soul and really scares me about the future . but to top it off she admitted to me that she stripped for 3 years at a very popular club thats been fucking with me too , now my past isint squeaky clean but im not used to dating girls with an extensive past it just makes me uncomfortable and not speacial , every since ive learned these things ive been down stressed , anxiety , cant sleep and smoking squares like hell , the thing is her personality is nothing like how here past sounds shes very chill very classy looking does not go out much and i know she is loyal but when i ask her why was she out there like that her answer didint help she basicly said that she doesnt think her number is high she does not see nothing wrong with not making a guy wait and that she had fun stripping That really fucked me up it would be better if she had regrets or a reason like her childhood , being hurt etc.. But she had a good life and she basicly said she was just living , i love her ti death i already feel attached to her and she feels the same but i told myself the woman i marry and have kids with will be considered a “good girl” and i know theres some out there but i see now you cant choose who you fall for . knowing this about her is killing me and her attitude towards it makes it worse she is very pridefull , now i dont think that she would ever cheat or go back stripping but to know that she has done that and sees nothing wrong with it makes me feel like im settling and it hurts i feel stuck i dont wana leave cause it would hurt her and me but i cant get these thoughts out my head and this pain out my heart ,
Bellaisa says
My advice? Move on. If you can’t get over her past, then you are going to be more unhappy with her than without her. To truly love someone you have to love all of them.
She seems to love herself, so it would be a shame to lose her since many women are needy because they are not confident in themselves – she’s a good catch, but if you are too insecure about her past and what YOU think it says about her, then don’t put yourself (or her) through the anguish. You will fall for someone else.
Yourstarwillshine says
Isn’t that a bit simplistic? Move on? That’s it?
He loves her. I know this because I’m going through exactly the same thing. I love the woman I’m with bit every few weeks I hear another new story about some dude from her past.
Let’s call a spade a spade. This is insecurity. It’s rooted in comparing ourselves to those other people. Its an obsession and we are painfully torn between wanting to know everything about the past and not wanting to know exactly how many other men have been inside the woman you love, because the truth is its waaaaay more than you think.
So I guess moving on is one option. The
other would be to work on healthy ways to get over this obsession. I think that’s worth a shot if you love her. I think finding a good therapist would be a solid start. That’s what I’m gonna do tomorrow. Best of luck, buddy.
David L. says
Hi friend – Reading this now in 2019 and wondering if you were able to get over this issue … It will help me a lot as I’ve been suffering for a few months now
Peter says
I don’t like the advice given. I don’t think you should move on. Honestly there aren’t too many times in a man’s life where he connects with a girl on so many levels. You might search and search but it could be a long time or never come again in the same way. Be really thankful for what you have. As for her past it is pretty sketch. I think she forgot about that guy because for her the sex is not that meaningful. Its what comes after the sex that is meaningful for her and thats why she doesn’t care to make the guy wait. Who knows how this stuff in her past will affect her future. Does it really matter? You love her now and you love the person you see her becoming so why not just embrace the part you get to be with. My wife gave me that same line saying “To love someone you have to love all of them”. I don’t buy it. You can decide to love what is meaningful for you and ignore what is not meaningful for you. Good luck.
Peter says
Just wanted to add one more thing about this comment “To love someone you have to love all of them”. I also love life and I don’t necessarily love all of it. But I choose to focus on the parts I find meaningful and that bring me joy. Then muddle through or ignore the parts of life I don’t really like but are a necessary requirement of living. I believe if you can’t find a way to balance it then nothing will ever be right for you. It doesn’t have to be so black and white. It doesn’t have to be so extreme where its all or nothing. This is love and this is life. You can choose how grey you want it to be. But just make sure you choose to be happy.
Lee says
Niquenique
I’ve got similar, mine of 3 years I told in the first 2 weeks of us talking that the worst thing anyone can do is give any details whatsoever about their ex’s, pretty obvious to anyone with 2 braincells that this especially applies to sex.
Have had 5 relationships (am 49) & reason for break up eventually of every one was knowing things I didn’t want to know & never once asked for, single for 15 years before this one simply because I thought there was no woman out there capable of keeping her mouth shut about her past.
Week later and catching me off guard she starts coming out with the stories, who , where, when & what. One liners so no chance to hang up before you heard more but enough detail to do the damage. Absolutely repulsive and a massive turn off.
It’s the fact that she was bragging & came across as undoubtedly proud of this, the arguments that started 3 months in of us being together over this have never stopped. Never wanted to know any of this crap & told her before any of it came out of her mouth. You’d think someone who was 50 would have learnt this.
She rather pathetically tries to say that every other bloke wasn’t bothered by knowing these things but sees no correlation in the fact that these blokes only used her as a sexual plaything before dumping her, including her recent ex husband of 15 years who was having affairs throughout her marriage.
What the hell does she expect when she basically says from the outset ‘I’m a good time girl up for anything, here’s what I’ve done with other blokes I met in a pub that night’, whatever she thinks she’s putting across with these little ‘I dated’ stories that’s the message she’s sending, then is so deluded she can’t see why every bloke before me has treated her just as a sexual plaything to be discarded, she cannot grasp at all the level of hurt knowing she’s asked for that causes me.
In arguments I seem to be the bad boy for calling her a slag but she can’t seem to grasp that not only has she chose in her past to be one it’s what she proudly advertised herself as to me on the grounds that blokes like to hear this stuff & aren’t bothered by it ??!! NOT this one !!
Then there’s the habitual lying that comes the second they realize you’re not impressed at all with what they’ve told you, suddenly this graphic sexual encounter/s was all made up to make herself sound more interesting to me (& no girls reading this I did not take her down that path at all) suddenly it all happened to a friend of hers or she’d read it in a steamy novel, all the stories she told me she says were true suddenly got toned down or made up the second she realized I was very upset, trouble is she can’t remember her last lie every time we have an argument over it, the details change & even the person/s who it was with, suddenly there’s now 2 blokes with the same name….you will know what I mean. Do these stupid women not realize that what they’re doing is leaving us questioning if they’ve been truthful at all & what we try to cope with by desperately trying to love them for their very special qualities may actually mean we’re nothing more than gullible idiots trying to make excuses for what is in front of our face as a habitual lying slag with one hell of a history ?
As humans we’re very visual creatures, I never wanted a video playing in my head from the details she’s given me. It seems women love to live in their past recounting their previous sexual conquests, they, including mine really don’t have a clue what damage they do to their future with a new person.
I see a lot of women commenting on here & some blokes who are obviously a disgrace to the male human species no doubt through their own past of treating women like sexual playthings & a bragging right, come out with words like insecurity & jealousy, it’s neither, just plain old vomit inducing disgust.
When will women learn, keep the past in the past, no decent bloke wants to know or will have a lot of respect for you if you don’t, Seems women love to brag about their past, my question is just how much respect for themselves can they really have or YOU if they think you want to know this stuff ?
I would wish you good luck but being in the same boat with the heartache this causes on a daily basis & how destructive the information they’ve given is to what could’ve been a relationship made in heaven on every other scale then it’ll take divine intervention not luck to sort the mess these very selfish disrespectful women have caused to us (and their stupid selves.)
Knowing any details like the ones we know is a relationship destroyer, even if everything else is beyond perfect, when will women learn ?! And no girls, please don’t respond by saying concentrate on the good bits, you havn’t a clue if you think that overrides the heartache & images you proudly and braggingly put in our heads of actions you ‘chose’ to take in your ‘different person then’ life. Save those conversations & details for your other girlfriends although why you’re even recollecting stories from 20,30+ years ago is beyond me anyway, When I’m with someone I have thoughts of one person only, not a string from the past, I’ve let go of them and all thoughts of them, it would be grossly unfair on anyone new to be otherwise & if I were to still be having thoughts like that of any woman from my past I’d have the decency not to go near anyone new until I wasn’t. Obviously very naive of me to expect the same from any female.
Girls, your little giggly stories & recollections, even if one liners, will tear a decent blokes heart out. Please stop it. Any bloke that asks you for details of your sexual past..run a mile on the spot cause if he wants details like that you aint a long term proposition to him, just a quick sexual thrill & ego trip.
Lee
barney tuttle says
I absolutely agree yoi should judge a oerson by there past. I cant get a relationship at all because of this problem as i panic thinking the same thing will happen again. So watch out people the world is a messed up place and he or she will probably cheat on you! people dont care about loving relationships now its all about getting what they can and sex sex sex;!!!!!! So be aware guys be very aware!!!!!
the king says
This is totally wrong. The past is vital because it shows if someone has bad character. Bad character never changes and this is what most people take issue with. They are uncovering facts which show this person has a poor character and they begin to lose respect for them. Unfortunately most people make excuses for other persons bad character due to the love blinders on. You should be friends with someone first before you throw your heart into it. While some people make innocent mistakes or grow from their mistakes, bad character never changes.
admin says
I guess you must be surrounded by different people than me, but I’ve seen people change their character throughout their life. I’ve seen them become happier, more mature, more calm, smarter, more inclined to take their time in relationships, etc. When people grow from their mistakes, they are growing their character, which is made up of their personality, attitude, and outlook on life. I would say that the past shows if someone HAD bad character, not HAS bad character.
I do agree that most people make excuses for someone’s bad character due to love blinders and that you should take your time before you really commit because bad character can take a long time to rear its head.
Allie says
Judging someone shows BAD CHARACTER! Everyone has something they have done and are ashamed of EVERYONE!!!! So if you judge someone for the things they have done in the past shows how you feel about yourself as a man or person! Men kill me with do as I say and not what I do. Men will sleep with everyone and he is the MAN! Do you know that messes with a women as well? The double standards and wonder why this world is fucked up! Please! If has a past of men in her life maybe that because of the men she grew up with! Please!
Charles Davis says
I’m dating an ex prostitute an cam girl. I can’t get over her past. She says it was just to put a roof over her kids head. I love her an its killing out relationship. I don’t know what to do.
admin says
You obviously fell for her for a reason. Focus on that. Focus on why you love her, what you look forward to life with her. Do NOT focus on what she did to survive when she was younger. Instead, focus on her determination to keep her kids fed, clothed, and warm. It’s all about your perception and where you put your focus.
Kane says
This is not responsible advice. Any man who claims to fully overlook a woman’s past is either highly delusional (which, if reverses, will become an issue) or is a liar. Women control and have to offer the gift of a carefully offered womb; if she misuses that by giving it to others, possibly less qualified others, for free…how can she demand requirements of a future husband, for which she has given to others? No, this is not about ‘youthful mistakes’. This is about trying to excuse bad decisions. No high-calibre man will accept a woman with an unacceptable sexual history. For clarity, women in ‘threesomes’ (read: gangbangs) may as well not apply. Stay in your sexually-irresponsible lane.
hurtingguy says
Thanks for this post. I so appreciate peoples perspectives, especially understanding how delicate this is for many of us. My story is different, I’m a hypocrite and upset with myself for being one. Ive had a lot of women, WAY more than my girlfriend! I was even a stripper myself. Got married (was a good loving faithful man, she cheated after 3 kids with me) I got divorced and then had another run with women, it brought me deep sadness and regret. I became a christian, I didnt date for years. in the last 8 years Ive been with 2 women, 1 was a mistake which I ended immediately and felt like such a tool for that, she really liked me, was very sad to hurt a nice girl, this further strengthened my charge to remain celibate, which I did for another 2 years. And then I met my now girlfriend whom Ive been with for 6 months. My faith has grown considerably with the lord and has had a profound impact on my conscience, when I sin I get convicted. Im so different than I used to be, night and day, I used to be abe to do things that didnt bother me at all, now I would be so convicted, so people can have major changes. So after not really dating for 2 years a mutual friend said I have the perfect girl for you, shes a good christian mom, runs a bible study, into fitness, very attractive. I was very interested but didnt peruse her, our mutual friend forcefully kept pushing us into a group chat. I didnt want to date, wanted to be friends and learn about a person so there wasnt pressure, thats why I was so nonchalant. We finally met and have been inseparable since. We have a rare special connection, her children love me, my kids adore her. Our families, siblings all get along, we have similar hobbies, its an amazing match. If we break up at best Id be lucky to find someone like her again, or not anyone at all, I know this.
My struggle, about 4 months in we had the talk about her past and it was not at all what I was expecting. She had been sleeping around all the way up to right before I met her. It totally devastated me, my mind cant stop thinking about it 2 months later, it pollutes the way I look at her. She said she regrets it but I dont feel like she really does. I thought I had met this wonderful christian girl but now I second guess her, she has shown me nothing but love and kindness in the 6 months we’ve been together. Her recent past causes me to distance myself from her and just want to be friends with her, where I feel safe. I want to see her as the beautiful Christian woman I thought she was but her past and being so recent, 3-8 guys in the year before me and even right up to maybe the month before me. Im upset because I had been preparing myself to meet a nice girl and she was not preparing herself to meet me, Im upset she brought all this into our relationship. Im also upset at myself for not being more understanding and me being such a hypocrite. Im upset I assumed she was a better christian and let me guard down and didnt vet her longer before allowing myself to fall in love. I feel hurt may be directed at her due to the infidelity from my ex wife, not her fault at all, I struggle to trust. I havent been in love in a very long time and think Ive bottled up hurts, my feelings for her bring out my hurst that apparently I havent totally dealt with. I dont think Im jealous as I feel Im a great catch, good looking, extremely fit, great father, successful. Im very hurt that her past was not really that long ago and there wasnt anytime to prove her behavior had changed, so why is her past her past and not her present? She told me she took a month off from men, no dating but broker her rule to date me. Im hurting really bad, Ive learned how powerful sex is and how damaging it is to your future spouse, Im so regretful, wish I could do it all over again. I dont want to break up or be done, I know she is perfect for me, please share some help. Im hoping that in time these feelings will all go away. anyone out there been through this and made it to the other side? Do I just need to allow for more time? HELP!!
admin says
I think you need to look at her as you look at yourself. You’ve changed. You’ve forgiven yourself for your past. You’ve learned from it. Your focus towards yourself is not one of loathing – you see yourself as a pretty good guy now, right? But, even though she is an amazing woman, you have a rare connection, your families go together great, and I’m sure many other things, your focus is on what you think she did wrong. I can say from experience, where your focus goes your attention goes – always. Therefore, you have to find a way to move past it.
Gratitude for what you have. Prayer for what you want. And forgiveness….definitely forgiveness, because you feel as though there is something to forgive.
You have to forgive her for what you think she did wrong and then turn your focus towards who she is and what she means to you. One of the best books/courses I’ve taken on forgiveness is this one by Iyanla Vanzant.
It’s interesting that she outright told you that she regrets it but you don’t think she does. Why don’t you believe her? Becuase you can’t look past your perception? Instead of seeing things from your beliefs, imagination, etc., try to see things from her side of things. Often getting someone else’s perspective, without the made-up stories that we tend to add in, can really help you forgive someone and move on.
Anyways, I hope this all helps. It sounds like you found yourself a woman and a relationship that most people don’t get to have. I hope you can let go and move on.
MountainGuru says
I think this is how my ex wife’s affair partner can be so happy he married her a few months after our divorce. Her past is her past! Just because she cheated on her first husband, removed her narcissistic mask and left him doesn’t mean she will do the same to the next bloke. Just because she cut off contact with the father of her three kids before me doesn’t mean she will do the same to her affair partner/husband!
Dumbo says
Men are such hypocrits. This thinking of them as our possible future possessions is why, in some cultures, they choose to make the women cover themselves entirely from head to foot. Or father’s/brothers kill their daughters/sisyets. We don’t want them doing what we do, or being ogled the way that we ogle other women. That said, I am not always sure how to control my mind and thoughts enuff to help make the change. I disgust myself more than any woman’s behavior. Women, for the most part, have been the most wonderful, nurturing creatures in my life. My biggest life regrets are the instances of pain I have caused out of jelousy. Yes my spelling sucks but I am to tired to look em up right now.
Jen says
Are you still taking comments on this because o need advice?
admin says
yep
Edward says
I’ve never heard of so many judgmental and “perfect”(sick) people in my life till reading these comments. I have met so many people with a past that are way better,happier and wiser than people that don’t “have a past”. People do change, the fact that no one in your family or around you has changed is completely different than saying people don’t change. You do learn a lot from your past and become a better person as well as it can make you a worse person. Be open minded and just clearly see the signs if there changes or not and stop being closed minded.
Boby says
I fell inlove with a beautiful woman with a bad past. Her first husband was a rappist, her second a druggy. She had slept with so many men that she couldnt remember how many. I didnt judge her…however she jjudged me for visiting a brothel, and getting conned in a dating scam , before meeting her…her rejection has destroyed me… And i now have trust issues.
admin says
Don’t let a woman who judged you on your past destroy you. Just because one woman is rotten doesn’t mean they all are and you have to mistrust everyone. Having issues because of her is given her way too much control over your life. Just learn from your relationship with her and move forward with whatever you learned. For instance, did she have trust issues right from the start? That’s something to watch for as you move forward.
Boby says
She didn’t appear to have any trust issues but may be I should have realised re her past. With her past , I certainly didn’t expect her to judge me. Her reaction left me feeling worthless, I’ve tried end my life twice.
I wish I’d never have admitted to the brothel. I made a social blunder of admitting it. I didn’t think it would be a problem as I was single.
I showed her so much compassion re her past but didn’t get the same in return.
Oh and it turns out that her 25 year old daughter is a prostitute and has been for 8 years.
Nitha says
Just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel, being in a similar relationship, only with tables turned.
I have a one-time past with an abusive ex – which I expected my current boyfriend to understand. And appreciate that I had come past.
He has had a social life the same way you did as a single man – and I judged none of it. We had a wonderful time getting to know each other. There was no doubt in my mind that in our relationship now – he was in to stay.
However I was not prepared for the judgement that came later – as I opened up more on the details of my abuse and the hard time I had leaving (plus plateaus of re-trust and repeat breakdowns) – he began to change.
I gave him the key I had given no one else – to help place perspectives where I may have missed them, for lessons that I may have missed.
However, he abused that trust and let his insecurities sink into our current relationship.
Our conversations changed into discussions of mostly how stupid I had been or how I had allowed so much of what was done unto myself.
His intentions to commit to me changed. The ways in which we spent time and the activities shared changed. I felt confused, worthless, hit rock bottom several times, lost the sunshine I had worked so hard to build before – this went on for months as he asked that I give him time to fix this “flaw” in him.
He promised that he would make up for it all and treat me like a queen when he was done.
Fast forward 1.5 years later (today) – I am still struggling as he (says he) keeps trying, although I rarely feel he is.
I cannot begin to imagine how you may have been driven to suicide – I hope you’re doing better today and that she understands everything she couldn’t back then (if not, then I hope you have moved on now to greater things).
I have not gone that far myself but I am severely depressed and the days seem to be getting darker as I try to find a way out to being happy again.
I cannot stop trusting this man I still very much love – that he will be what he was.
Perhaps this is how things get when you’re nearing a summit – I hope the outcome in mine will do me good.
Mr Mysterious says
So, to put everything into context;
1. Let’s take a look at Hollywood: Russell Brand, Al Pacino, Marilyn Monroe, Nancy Reagan, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Denise Richards and many many more – were all former escorts. Even rumours are circulating that Brad Pitt did sexual favours for other men to get his acting career to where it is today.
2. It’s all top-down. If everybody in Hollywood is doing all of this, of course it’s going to rub off on the general population, because look how many people idolize these celebrities. If you think your girl or guy is an angel, chances are to think again. People are very good at manipulating and being mysterious. But tell me, what is the actual meaning of an angel? It’s ambiguous. Most men are brainwashed (and I too used to be one of them) by this notion of your partner who has to be a virgin, or somebody with not so many sexual partners, etc., etc. It’s all old school mentality which was brought about by religion, where in the 21st Century people are waking up and not conforming to those old ways of thinking. Look at IT as an example, it’s all about agile software development and not waterfall anymore.
3. How about all the Victoria Secret fashion models and other models as a matter of fact (i.e. Emily Rajtajkowski)? Are you seriously going to tell me they didn’t engage in any sexual behaviours in their past to oh so suddenly end up where they are today?
4. Everybody is on Tinder and Ashley Madison these days for God sake, swiping either left or right. Mate, rarely is anybody going to tell you their real number. If they do and it’s high, take it as a compliment. Why? Because your partner is all about possessing a high level of integrity in their relationship with you, not anybody elses.
5. Your partner didn’t know you before when he/she was single, so therefore you weren’t there to act as a leader for them and tell them the difference between right and wrong. The past is the past, get over it. Depressed people live in the past, anxious people in the future.
6. A persons past experience is a reflection of their future actions (or however this quote is spelt out) is the biggest crock of s*** I have ever read. If you swear by it, you’re clearly delusional. It’s the same as Sigmund Freud who was an Austraian neurologist and practiced psychoanalysis who came about the notion of “latent homosexuality”. It doesn’t exist, it’s proven! People talk s*** because people love to talk about themselves. Look at Russell Brand, do you seriously think that man would be as smart as he is today if he didn’t go through the struggles of working as a male gigolo? Lol, please …
7. Live your life to the fullest, don’t look at the past nor future, because it’s the present which counts. You’re worrying about your partners past experiences? They’re with you now! You have people out there comparing a woman to a used car and that you should always check how many past owners she’s had before you go ahead and commit to the purchase? A car becomes thrashed, but the brain of a woman can or doesn’t. Therefore, MAKE THIS THE DECIDING FACTOR and evaluate whether she’s stronger after all this or not. (p.s. I have one nut (seriously) and I know I’m not like any vehicle out there where I need all cylinders to operate ;)) – so we’re not comparing apples with apples here.
8. The moment you’re on your death bed with hours to live, you can obsess about the little s*** like a woman’s past, etc. When you’re dead, you’re dead. But seriously, are you going to hold a grudge against somebody whose past experiences contributed to 0.5-3% of their total life? I know what I’d do …
9. P.S I would never want a virgin after my first girlfriend – you want a girl who has experienced a few D’s in her, because chances are she is less likely to cheat because she knows what’s out there. Women are emotional creatures and fall in love with words, whereas men are visual and fall in love with makeup. Don’t mistake the notion of women thinking exactly like men, because they don’t. PEACE OUT!!!
Anonymous says
I have never in my life read more judgmental opinions than I have here today. I really can’t wait for all of you to be put in your place. It is NOT your place to judge ANYONE. If you don’t like their past then go on. Don’t you dare make others feel inferior for their past choices. We are PEOPLE. People mess up! Kids who are motherless, fatherless, abused both emotionally and physically. They often have no where to turn. Our culture idolizes sex. Also you condemn the women only. What about the men participating?!? I’m sorry none of you people have ever made a bad choice but my God does not condemn nor judge those who repent and change their ways. Get off your high horses. It’s sickening to read these comments.
Manuel gentile says
Women’s past is simply revolting to me senses. If a woman as a sordid sexual past, all I’ll be thinking about when I’m with her is stuff like “how many **** has she blown?”
Really, nothing else. After years of agonizing meetings, I finally found a virgin, and guess what? I won’t let her go! I’m the perfect boyfriend…I want to marry her real bad. Unfortunately there isn’t much choice out there…mostly just disgusting sluts who’s had sex with countless partners.
Good virgins to you all!
razor sharpe says
ANY woman needs to totally AVOID you ! Get over yourself – then sort out that IMMATURE attitude you have going on there ….
John McKenna says
That’s atrocious…… perhaps these ‘sluts’ had a real nice connection with the guy they were with and had a fantastic time… and he felt the same and didn’t disrespect her for enjoying her time with him? If this happened repeatedly good for her. What about this scenario. You and your virgin do not sexually match… or your marriage doesn’t work out. When… not a virgin… she meets soneone new…. and has great sex with him… does that make her a slut then? Are you a virgin?
Lee says
Manuel, you’re a very lucky man.
Ignore the posters who want to lambast you for having morals & sticking by them, the people who are trying to put you down lost any morals they had years ago, if they ever had them at all.
Most women just can’t see the obvious, when you look at older generations who have been happily married for 40, 50 years they tend to have one very big thing in common, the wife doesn’t have any vile stories to brag about with dozens of previous sexual conquests because there were’nt any before her husband.
Never ceases to amaze me these blogs (usually written by clueless women of low moral standard) rattle on about the 15 or 20 things not to do to upset your relationship, there is only one, don’t waste the time of a decent bloke looking for a decent girl if you havn’t been.
Treat your young lady right, you’ve found someone very special.
Lee
Jason says
I’m giving my opinion here from real experience.
Women past do effect her future. Especially when it comes to sexual behavior and past relationships.
Some might get convinced with what I say while others not but am sure that even who don’t agree with me are mostly women since they might be in similar case of past several sexual relations so they always try to protect themselves mentally and psychologically, saying to themselves they did nothing wrong, they just felt it right at that time..etc while men who say they don’t care about their wife past are totally lying. They might not care about their girfriends past especially if they see no future with her but just spending some fun with her or for sex mainly.
After many years of experience, and even trying to adapt with the idea ofwomens
Jerry Johnson says
This is a great read! I recently met someone and she is outgoing, kind,and gentle. At the same time, I have made the judgement that she has a dense sexual past. In fact, I would argue that it is more experienced than mines as a man. On top of her sexual past is the music, social circle and interest she has shown since we met. Even her jokes are full of sexual references. In sum, these things serve as a reminder to her past. I really do love her, but loving comes natural for me. Meaning, I could love anyone at any time that showed genuine interest and a sort of essentialism towards me. This article serves me as one step forward in the right direction, in general, in not being judgemental. However, it is the reminders of a dark past that live in the present that may prevent the process of not judging a woman for her past.
In fact, I think this may be a large reason I got a divorce from my ex wife. On both of our parts, we could not live beyond dark past from before and during the relationship. In addition, these dark past were reinforced during arguments that were more often than not.
In total, I believe that there are other factors at play when acting on judgements about a woman’s past.
Lee says
Jerry
Agree, women seem to think that a simple one liner (or multiple ones covering every bloke they’ve been with) giving details we never wanted to hear to start with go in one ear and out the other. What they do is create very vivid images that we’re then reminded of every day.
I find there is no way of getting away from the things the current one has told me (All 5 of my relationships they did as well), the associations and reminders bombard you from every angle, you can be watching something innocently on tv and there’s a reference to what you’ve been told, you turn channels straightaway and there’s a reference to another one she was with in some sexual manner.
Knowing where on top of it, one of mine g/f’s was a one night stand on her holiday to Australia, yes she’s a typical British girl who can’t even go on holiday without opening her legs to a complete bloody stranger, in our home there’s bloody reminders everywhere of Australia, paintings, boomerangs, jewellry, I hate the sight of them and they very much put in my face the ONE very not nice for me to know story about her little trip there, does she care these things upset me ? not in the slightest. Then you turn on the bloody tele again and the advert for holidays to Australia come on, apparently the land where dreams come true !!….bloody nightmare for me.
There’s been over a dozen stories about the bedroom practices of her and over half a dozen blokes, 3 years later and can’t get away from reminders of what she told me, I won’t even go to the same areas where these happened, to me by knowing more it’s just making the not pleasant pictures she chose to put in my head even more real.
Just can’t get away from it.
Sad thing is that right at the start when we were obviously getting on so well I specifically told her that the worst thing anyone could ever do was give details about their ex’s, has been the reason all 5 of my previous relationships had failed, week later she’s coming out with the one liners of ‘I dated and we’, couldn’t believe after we had our first massive argument over the things she’s told me is that she remembers me saying about no ex details but she didn’t think I meant about the sex with them ???!!!….personally I think the girl must be retarded to think that wasn’t what I was referring to. Just how stupid can women be.
This knowledge I never wanted affects every aspect of our relationship, she’s so surprised that I really don’t want to touch her in bed but can’t understand it’s because it isn’t just the 2 of us there being intimate with the details she’s given me.
I really do think women are clueless, they certainly don’t think about their actions at any point in their lives or the effects on the people who love them it seems.
As far as I’m concerned now at the age of 49, there simply is no such thing out there as an intelligent woman with any level of respect for themselves or me, they’re all other blokes second hand used goods, sad thing is they seem to be proud of this or else they wouldn’t brag would they ?
Lee
Jacky says
Hi, i met a girl online. We started chatting and it went for 2.5 years. We were like chat buddies and chatted with each other for almost evry alternate day. And after 2.5 years we finally met and it was a kind of a date which went well. Since, we were casual about it, especially me since I never believed in dating and having a relationship at this age, as we are in between 20-25. I have seen and personally feel that this age isn’t for a long term relationship. So, we both stay in different statyof the country and we both are fond of each other a lot. We both are on the same page Everytime we converse. So, few months back while on a call with her things got official between us. I was trying to avoid it but couldn’t that night and we both spoke our heart out to each other. After 2 months we met again and spent time together for a week and parted ways back to our places. Unfortunately things changed little bit. I started to get to about her past which was really hard for me to accept it but before this girl and relationship my thoughts were very open and wide on girls. Like even they should have the same freedom which we guy’s have. And a girl sleeping with someone didn’t use to bother me as I knew it was just the body lust nothing else. But the day I got to know about her past things it gave me a heart attack. I got restless and was very pissed. She had suffered and her decisions were quite bad at that time. From that time onwards we had multiple discussions on the same topic, I start getting flashbacks of it in my when I am having a casual conversation with her which changes my mood. I don’t know what wrong and why my mind and heart doesn’t want to accept it and forgive her so that we can move on to stay happy. Even my past isn’t pleasant but I ended up judging her. I knew about the things before we got official and never bothered me but when it came out after it started bothering me a lot. I love her and she is my first love with whom I can spend my rest of my life but she isn’t my first girl though and in her case she kind of fell in love with someone but he mistreated her but they still were together for 3 years and it was just before me they broke up. She admitted that it was a huge mistake by her and she was obliged to stay with him for that long. I know whatever happened with her was bad and I should support her and keep her happy. But then something stops me from doing that. Like why me? Why should I suffer? I feel uncomfortable when those thoughts suddenly comes into my mind for her. I seriously don’t know what to do, should I just leave her and try to get my peace of mind or what? I know that I am not this person who judges a person but in her case I have become one of them. I know the ways to solve it, it’s just that i don’t want to accept it and forgive it. Is it probably my ego? Why should I stay with a person with such kind of past? Do I deserve this? We both know that I can get better than her (no bragging) but I love her and she knows that and don’t want to leave her. We are very much committed to each other. But I just don’t know what I should do. I can’t discuss this with anyone too as this might become awkward.
Valuable advices are appreciated.
Nick says
Let’s be honest if a guy doesn’t care if you had numerous one night stands or threesomes with two men and has no problem that you had casual sex then he is lying to you he doesn’t care because he doesn’t love you enough because if he did he would be jealous (not insecure) and couldn’t handle the thought of you being with so many men you see men are probably weaker than women they can’t get the visual out of there head and when they have to perform they lose it especially if the guy was in your circle of friends which I could never understand Iam sorry but if you have guys take a lie detector test I bet you would see that Iam right guys will have a good time with you but not a serious long term relationship ifs probably not fair but it is true
Anon says
I struggle with this in every serious relationship I’ve had. It only matters to me once I develop feelings of love toward her, usually in the first couple of months, then becomes a barrier in being able to truely accecpt her. I would never care about a womans past if it was just sex between us, and ive been guilty of knowing my intentions from the start, while having her develop feelings. If she wasnt seen as wife material from the start, i would not care about her past because I saw no future with the. Once you fall in love all of a sudden you want to know everything so you can determine if they represent some sort of ideals and character you can trust. Also to represent your name and family. No man wants to marry a woman who has an extensive sexual past, and worse if she has a higher number. ( “numbers” is a pandoras box. Do not open. Right now ive reverted to recounting and worse yet, considering asking her to confirm this again. For some reason if Im still a couple numbers ahead, it is easier to accept her. If i’m wrong I may not be able to countinue this relationship. Its year 3 for us. We love each other. Weve had a very bad 2 years of drinking heavy and fighting. Its gotten physical. I get real mean when drunk and barrate her, judge her, maybe bring up the past to use againts her, get jealous etc. She fights back verbally as well, and shes gotten phyical to me. Hell, I cant blame her. But on the edge of breaking up, or really making and effort to change, ive found myself back in this horrible mental cave men go to and start obsessing over your lovers past. As i wonder if my inability to fully accept her, is the real reason i cant love her as she needs at times and what she really deserves. Its hard for a man to get the image out of his head once learning of her lovers. Worse yet if you have known or met one or any of her past lovers. I struggle with the numbers game, I want to know but i dont. What i wish i can arrive at, is where i have finally let go of her past, which is funny because its not mine in the first place. But get back to seeing her in the present moment. The woman I love now and fell in love with. We all present our best selves at first, then it either gets harder or easier to love them at times usually swinging back and forth. I may express my insecure feelings to her, in hopes that she offers me comfort in, maybe saying there is no others she “forgot” etc. ,same number i was initally told or hinted to, dosent have any porn of her on the internet, (definatly not wife material in this day and age) and hasent ever exchanged sex for money or goods. LOL. Im laughing at men and myself because i think those are the big three.
But i should just shut my damn mouth and decide to myself if I love her truly and will accecpt her with pride and marry her.
Kate says
Many women don’t want to be judged and are afraid of losing their potential partner so they won’t always tell the truth about their “real number”.
nemo9813 says
This is why id only marry a virgin or up to 3 past lovers….No secrets stay secret forever and Id simply ditch her in the future if she lied and I caught her out years later knowing my position on this subject, most of my assets are offshore so divorce isnt an issue…If a woman knows her potential partner dislikes a high number then by lying to him to put her into the marriagable category with him to secure marriage etc then shes putting her wants/welfare first at the expense of her partners values…For me If she wants marriage which is a traditional institution then she can be a traditional girl. Analogy, you dont really want to pay new car price for a car thats been a rental when everyone else had a turn on the cheap. Wedding and supporting a family is expensive…If shes not a virgin and has the means to pay for half of everything without going into debt then perhaps i will change my stance…..Women can cry double standard all they like but reality is this…id bet 50% of all financially secure men or men with options who are open to marriage won’t want the ex town bike, nor will they be wanting to wife up the 30yo ex town bike whos bioclock is going crazy…..The guys that wife those up are usually the other 50% who are Open minded and dont care or guys with crappy jobs or minimal options….Problem here is most of the women I know tend to want guys that are taller, richer better or equal education which reduces her options even further within the above 50%…. Theres always a future cost for pleasures past. By letting your number creep up Id wager theres an inverse relationship with chances of marriage/relationship or a happy one at the very least.
Anon says
I get this. Judgement has played a big role and barrier for us. At first I struggeled with her past, and she knew this. She hinted that I most likley have a higher number, shes had more serious relationships than me, I primarly was single through my twenties. Shes told me the history and I recount this in my head from time to time, when insecurity steps in etc.
From what Ive been told, I think I can accept her and her vauge number of male lovers. I conclude that I have had a ciuoke more. But, what haunts me sonetimes are words she said years ago about dating women. She told me once that she took women lovers for a while because men suck and she found the intamacy in sex in women.
She said she never slept around with men much because she wanted relationships and she hasent had a once night stand because it seems gross to her. So, comforting to me, I think my number is higher and thats managable. But the words, ive been a whore with women, or something like that haunt me. I accepted this when we were dating, for I was not threatened by past female lovers. Sometimes its erotic for me. But in this mental place I am in today, I am having a real hard time because that means shes had way more lovers than me. I dont know what to do.
A couple of days ago I wrote that first comment. Felt a sense of relief once it passed, was excited to get back to normal and put it behind me. I hate and love your response because as I read it, I now have an even worse feeling of being told half truths from her so I would not judge her further. Its creating a huge barrier for me now. She returns from a trip today and instead of feeling excitment to she her, im dwelling on the numbers again.
To shed more light, we are in a make it or break it moment and Ive find myself back to struggling with the same issues as when I felt myself falling for her. That is can I trust her, what she has told me is true, and if there is anything shes holding back from me so I can move forward without uncertanty, possible future embarassment, and is she high caliber enough to dedicate my life to her.
Its killing me to not open this box of past lovers again. For one, we have already been through this with me in our first year, and two, I am afaid she would have no tolerance to return to such areas. She would feel judged again and might resent me for it, proving to her I never really accepted her and us breaking up.
I would really aporeciate a woman perspective here.
If I find myself really needing verification, asking the numbers for her past male, and female lovers, is there anyway to bring this up tactfully? How can I ask her to revisit this with me without upsetting her or making her feel judged? How do I ask to make her feel safe enough to be honest wih me? It really comes from a place of insecurity for me, and is that somehow better for her to know thats where it comes from, rather than blatant judgement?
To everyone one else,
What are your thoughts.
She was number 17 for me.
I think im around her 11 male,
No idea about her female number.
Is this porportionate?
To the women, how many male lovers is she typically keeping secret?
1-2?
3-5?
More?
How many do most women not include?
This is crazy making and I hate that im back here. It is unhealthy, but I just cant shake it today.
Kate says
Anon,
Has she given you any indication that she has been unfaithful when being in a relationship with you? Is she still talking to her exes? Is she looking at other guys when you guys go out? Is she too friendly and flirting with other guys? Is she active on any online dating sites? What proof do you need? If she hasn’t cheated on you or being unfaithful in any way, why would you think she would not be trustworthy going forward?
It’s not healthy to bring up her past again if you guys talked about it already. If you didn’t really accept her with all her baggage and can’t get over this, you should have ended it a long time ago. Your relationship will not survive if you bring up her past every time you get insecure.
Most women who have been judged about their number in the past will lie to their future boyfriends. Moreover, since women get judged by their number more than men do, not many girls would want to reveal their true numbers. I would say most women don’t include half of their lovers. It also depends on how old the woman is. They make up their number based on their age. A 20 year old woman may say her number is 3, while 40 year old would say 10.
Anon says
No to all that you listed. I trust her in this relationship and know thats not her character. I think for men this issue really festers at them. Proved by all the web forums about retroactive jealousy i have found in the past week, I would say 80% catered to males dealing with this insecurity. For me, the numbers game is like brad pitt wanting to know whats in the box? Lol, thats messed up but it seems parallel to the anedote, ignorance is bliss, pandoras box etc.
First, thank you for responding to these questions as a women, because I can only imagine how annoying it must be.
I know this is unhealthy for a relationship so I am trying to read, ask questions and do anything I can to get past this hurddel without ever having to bring it up to her again because I know the damage it could cause.
And you are right, maybe I should had ended this long ago, or exhausted all questions I had for her in the begining when that windiw of sharing was open. It was no secret to her that I struggeled with accepting her fully and she has done nothing but prove to me she is worth it. I may be handicapped by an upbringing of watching very long and committed relationships, parents are first loves, still married, same as grand parents, idealized love as a teenager, lost virginity at 17, first love cheated on me, etc. What I mean is that I think I have had on rose colored glasses most of my life thinking my ideal bride is out there somewhere, so finding love in your mid thirties in a modern hyper sexualized society can be hard to navigate, espesially with old school values. After my first teenage love when I was cheated on I was emotionally unavailable for 10 years or so, got back with the first love for six years, then was single again for 3 years until I meet my current gf. My sexual history was few and far between and didnt have sex for a two year period while in college. I guess I have regrets about not sowing my oats as much as I think I should have. And that in doing so, getting my number up would somehow make it eaiser to accept a modern woman. Also I am very compedative in nature and that spills over in my relationship.
I wanted to share my history so you can gain a better perspective of underlying personal issues.
In the begining while addressing these issues she said to me maybe I need to sew my oats more before I commit if I have issues, and maybe we can see what happens with us. It was my desicion to countinue the commited relationship at that time because, we fell hard for each other and I did not want to lose this opportunity with someone I was falling in love with.
At that time a couple months in I decided that yes I can accept her and im going to be open to love again. Based on what she told me about her past, her character of who she was etc. It was all managable to me and no giant red flags came up. This is based on what she told me, what I was lead to believe, and it genuinely seemed she was in commited relationships with males and not just sleeping around. A desireable trait in the eyes of a old school valued man. I am no saint nor expect her to have been one consistanly in life.
I think the hardest thing for me to swallow from your response is the possiblity of being lied to about this. We both hold honesty in high regard and in the begining we both sharred very intimate things about our past. I think we felt at mid thirties finding love, its better to share everything when your still feeling each other out, so the relationship starts with full honesty and builds a strong fiundation. And at the time, we both should be adult enough to decide if we should move forward together, or end it without judgement. To respect each other enough to say, maybe we arnt the right fit for each other and part with no feelings of judgement or jealousy.
I really do dislike the fact I am back here in my head, one I hate feeling like this, two it is completly unheathy for the relationship, and three, my window to bring this up has long passed without causing real harm to the relationship.
With that being said, I am still manic about her number, more so that I was told the truth because it was a huge factor for me to move forward in the relationship. I think if a woman lies about her past it is a huge disservice to her future partner and basically false advertising. If things come out years down the line it could be detremental and very unfair to the other partner. I would say honesty in the best policy, especially in the begining of the relationship. Put all your cards on the table and say, this is me now, this is who I have been. Take it or leave it.
Question. So you are saying its not uncommon for a woman to cut her number in half, if she says 10 it very likley is 20? Thats the hardest part for me to swallow and seems basically unjust and manipulative, of women lieing to a man that is ready to open his life to her, with service and respect. Only to have a disserve done upon him and been given false information whike he is in the stage of accepting her and falling in love.
I understand it to be a form of protectiveism for woman to lie about their number due to living in a very jugemental, patriarcal, hypocritical culture. Also, as you said to not scare off a potential husband. So i can understand the logic of a woman doing this but at the same time find it unfair.
There are still a handfull of good men who want an honest, monogomous life long relationship, and they tend to be the most judgemental because maybe they are terrified of commiting to a cinderella, only to have her outed as a harlet down the road.
That sounds unfair I know, but arnt there still women looking for a price charming? And what number does a prince charmming have, or really, what number do women typically expect a man to have at 35 years old?
Thank you and aplologies in advance.
Kate says
Obviously, I don’t know for sure if she is lying or not. Maybe she wanted to reveal her past to you right at the beginning to prevent future heartbreaks. I just wanted to throw that out there that many women would lie about their numbers. So guys who are so caught up with the “special number” will actually never know.
Divorce rate is about 70% nowadays. If you think that only people who divorce are the ones who have had lots of lovers, then you are very mistaken. Couples have so many other problems that contribute to divorce.
If you’ve found someone whom you share the same values going forward, have things in common, respect and love each other, and are other ways compatible, then I would suggest to hold on to that person regardless of the number. People change and their values change.
If you are too caught up with numbers and have trust issues, you will never find anyone. No one is perfect. You’ll be in the same place with a new girlfriend, not trusting her “number”, thinking if she would be trustworthy etc. I don’t think you would want to find yourself single and childless at 50? And who would want you then? If a guy is single at 50 and never been married, most women would think something’s wrong with that guy. This may seem harsh but true.
The only suggestion I can give you is don’t be so caught up with her “number”.
Yes, women are still looking for their prince charming, but their prince charming would not be an insecure man. I personally have never asked how many lovers any of my previous boyfriends have had. I ask different questions and there are numerous other factors that would be more important to me than the “number”.
Lee says
No point in asking, she’ll lie anyway, whatever number she gives you you won’t be happy with. Whatever she tells you will never be the truth so you’ll be no better off.
Women have very low morals regarding sex & they lie, period. The more pertinent question you need to ask is of yourself as I am, that is – just how much of a mug am I being taken for by this woman.
Lee
Mangalyaan says
@Kate
I rather be single ALL my entire life than be emasculated by women with colorful sexual past. The point is there is no desire, no motivation, just nothing there to pursue them. Having this mindset will keep me single for a very long time, which I am gladly looking forward to it because I have lived alone for a long period in my life.
I see women with past, as a nuisance to my life. I can’t express my confidence in them. She will only bring me down and make me far more miserable in our marriage.
2000 years ago, Apostle Paul said this: “It is better for a man not to touch a woman”
Mat says
I found out my gf was flirting and sending pics to a taken man when she was single. It bothers me she didn’t care about the guys gf but think I may of done the same in her place and that it’s extremely common. I love her and she regrets it but I can’t forget about it. Help please because I don’t want to lose her.
Kate says
Forgive her and forget about it. If she already regrets it, most likely she will not do that again.
Mangalyaan says
@Matt @Kate
Sorry but there is no guarantee that she *genuinely* repented or regretted of her actions. She might have told you that just to make you feel better, but I am sure she enjoyed that illicit thrill with that taken man.. lolz
In this age, it is quite difficult to know and gauge a woman because of secrecy, manipulative and self-entitled attitude.
There are a few articles on the net that convey that women actually fantasize about their past lovers/exes.
Here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/why-do-women-fantasise-about-sex-with-their-exes/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2206075/Women-nostalgic-men-sex-ex–THIRD-saying-sex-past-partner-better.html
WELCOME TO THE WILD WILD WEST!! (;
Anon says
Thank you for your advice. I agree with everything you said. Finding someome who is worth while is hard and you may only get so many chances in life, so holding on to someone who you share common values with and can share a lived out dream, or life path together takes priority over insecurities.
On top of insecurities men have with this, I want to add that I think pride and competition plays a part, at least for me. Also the idea of the dream woman not having an extensive sexual past. I think the great maturity gained from men getting over, or coping with retroactive jealousy, is that life in general is not fair. You cant nessisarly plan the path you took to arrive where you are, and then out of nowhere you meet someone who arrived at the same place. You sometimes wish that they took the same path to arrive together, but they didnt. Life had other things to teach them before you meet them.
Living with that perspective is much harder than just saying it. I figure this will be an ongoing challenge for myself but Ive found what helps is remembering all you love in that person, they have chosen you, and there is possibly a real bright future ahead.
Mangalyaan says
@ Anon January 31, 2018 at 5:54 pm
Well, I guess it depends on how DEEP in love you are with that woman?
But I still don’t buy that bullshit “She chose you”… Fu$k that!
She chose you after getting shagged by 15-20 guys and who knows a lot more? The woman is completely tapped out by then! She chose you to settle down and make you a nice provider, but at the same time she WON’T do the same WILD THINGS with you compared to what she did back in the days with her previous lovers.
I read a lot of stories within the Marriage forums on the net, and one of the very common complaints from MEN regarding their women is this:
She won’t do the same things with me, compared to what she used to do with her past lovers. That was by far the most disappointing and disturbing stuff I’ve read lately.
Lee says
The author of this is yet another sadly deluded woman (girl). Nothing more annoying or repulsive than women who try to excuse their younger slutty behaviour by saying they were a different person then and made mistakes, no you didn’t you made choices, choices that decent girls with respect for themselves didn’t make. Unfortunately girls like the author too often manipulate their female friends with respect for themselves into situations on the grounds they’re boring or prudes, all just to try to justify their own slutty behaviour.
Quite possibly the most insulting part of this to a decent chap like me is that these girls then are so deluded that they think they then have some god given right to one day have a man who respects them & treats them like a princess, sorry girls but you lost that right the second you ‘chose’ to become slutty in your ‘other life’.
The author of this is what I call a ten a penny girl, I make no apologies for wanting a priceless girl who has always had respect for herself, I’m not religious in the slightest but I do have high morals and expect any partner to have the same. To expect such in the mindset of girls like the author or this drivel appears to be a cardinal sin these days.
Everyone has a past and indeed it does make us all who we are today, why do women (majority) think that the new man they’re with wants a sexual roadmap or video of how they got to their point in life ? There really is nothing more repulsive or a bigger turn off than a woman giving details about her sexual past, who, where, when & what. Do girls like this think they’re coming across as ladylike and someone with respect for themselves or a good time girl up for anything ? What decent bloke is ever going to see a girl who even wants to give details of her sexual past as a long term proposition ? When details of one night stands etc come into the equation then really what is the current man actually winning, what is special or deserves an ounce of respect about the girl he’s with ?..NOTHING. She’s a girl who will share the most intimate thing possible with a stranger for the price of a Rum & Coke. I don’t apologize for this but sorry girls who have had this ‘past other life but different person now B/S’, you deserve no respect & your ‘other life’ is all you’ll be good for & deserve, please stop insulting the decent girls who were never like you & the decent blokes out there looking for something decent in return.
I am not a prude or have any hangups, I was brought up by my Grandparents to have respect for myself & others & to always treat all women like ladies, I always have, what my Grandparents failed to tell me is I’d be hard pushed to find anything resembling a ‘lady’ in my generation in the UK. I don’t see it’s that difficult to always have had respect for yourself & others & expect to find a partner with the same values. The author of this ‘try to justify my own behaviour’ article sadly is the norm these days. What a sad species humans have become !
Lee, UK Age 49
nemo9813 says
Fully agree Lee, I also find it insulting. You’d think by now women would realise that sleeping around is not favoured by most longterm orientated men…im pretty convinced by age 16 majority know its not attractive yet they still have the slut phase and think “who cares what guys think its my business blah blah” You would think if they feel compelled to hide it then they knew it wasnt a good idea to begin with. Its not like they hit 30 and realise omg iv been plowed by 20guys! I better start fibbing, no, they start the lying almost immediatly after a few encounters to keep the good image intact….wouldnt it just be easier to just be that descent girl instead of the fake one trying to sell a lie? Reminds me of anytime I go car or motorbike shopping …sales person/seller tidys it up and puts a big hype spin on it etc normally just the shallow cosmetic stuff in order to get a sucker to buy at a higher price than what its worth. The seller is putting their benefit first and foremost. I don’t think any descent guy should pay full price of forking out for a ring, wedding, house, or lifestyle for any woman who let guys enjoy her best years of youth and beauty for the price of a few drinks, and if we dare speak up we get basically get told, man up , dont be insecure and marry her…you arnt a man unless you accept her past etc….Like this 26yo american girl from NJ i met in bali named sandy who divulged shes been with 35 guy, got pummeld in a leaky basement in college in front of 20guys watching then had the cheek to call me an ahole and say im missing out on a great opportunity when I explained i didnt want to see her anymore…Well I and many other guys my age i know 36yo are calling bullshit and are looking abroad….And i can tell you firsthand the quality of certain traditional cultures is astounding given the perfect mix of tradition blended with technology and modern education….these women blow my mind, assertive yet feminine, flirty yet chaste, smart but not arrogant…wow just wow.
Mangalyaan says
@Lee @Nemo9813
Agree with both you guys. I am in the same boat, and insanely repulsed by the sexual past of a woman, to the point that I don’t even want to look at them.
After much introspection, I realized that prostitutes are much better than these women who offer their bodies as ‘public property’ FREELY to be man-handled by god knows how many men? At least prostitutes earn money by offering a service, and I am fully aware of their profession etc etc.
But I simply cant swallow the fact that a so called Christian women would also start riding right from within the college dorm rooms. [By the way I do have some disturbing real life stories about them]
So, basically I am saying that I would have less jealousy if I were to actually marry a prostitute than a women who was not, but yet I am faaaaaaaar more disgusted with her than I would be with a prostitute!
nemo9813 says
Like you I would prefer the prostitute as I am fully aware of what she did and her reasons….In reality Id marry neither. Im currently seeing a very chaste traditional 22yo whom runs rings around the 30yo ex party girl or her career orientated sisters. Theres always a future cost for pleasures past….The ladies of my generation will see this in full force in the next 10-15yr I think and more so if in 25 -30yr if they dont have any financial assets which I think Is partly why they try cover their tracks in order to secure future outside of them working until 65yo no matter how independant they might be….We all need a plan B
Mangalyaan says
@ nemo9813 says
Please read my response to Anon @ January 31, 2018 at 5:54 pm ABOVE.
A lot of men complained against their women regarding that issue which I think personally is the final NAIL in the coffin, that these sought of women should be AVOIDED at all costs!
A man can marry her if his past matches or lines up with her past, but if any differences in past can surely cause problems.
nemo9813 says
@Mangalyaan
I had that experience with my ex who’d been with plus 35 guys. She was mostly a dud in bed unless we were in a expensive hotel, yet seemed to move easily into positions which is what made me suspicious of her stating she’d only been with 3 guys….I pretty much knew a year or so in advance before her tipsy mother made the reveal she’d been the town bike, she didnt like to go into public places like cafes or malls with me, met a few of her friends who were definate ex skanks, all single or single moms whos favourite gossip was ‘men are pigs’ or whats happening on the episode of blah blah….. she always tried to steer the converations away from the “good old days” in my presence. I had her mostly figured out by then so tried to spice things up with toys and handcuffs etc….she tried to act like she’d never done those things, played coy….and wasnt keen to start with but then the truth came out from her mother… and all of a sudden shes miss super sexy and will do anything to keep the gravy train going….The most embarassing thing was when i gave her the boot out the door she begged….”babe please im sooooo sorry, we can do everything, you can put it anywhere, il do whatever you want blah blah” il never forget her saying that in the hallway….It was pathetic….on one hand im pissed because she lied and im kicking her out but on the other hand i was laughing at the nature of many women…this wasnt the first time id dated an ex town bike….Thankfully I found my gorgeous chaste girl whom wants to learn from me and grow together. My ex and her friends have their red wine, gossip and tinder….all works out in the end. Not sure how they will ever afford a house or have enough to retire on though? Men beware, you could be their PLAN B.
nemo9813 says
As an add on to the premise of some lucky guy being a girls PLAN B I was flying back from work in Australia, was a fairly empty flight but 2 rows in front of me sat 2 late 20s or early 30s white middle class white women. Can’t have seen me as I was curled up asleep well before plane took off…I woke up later and overheard them talking….They obviously didnt know each other but the talk of relationships/life experiences etc came up on the flight….long story and few drinks later they shared party girl experiences etc and heres the kicker…as they disembarked off the plane one said to the other “yah, I just like wanna meet a guy who has his shit together and has a house already, i dont want the hassle of doing it all myself” other girl just nods giggling and says “yeahhh” from behind and a smirk on my face I blurt out good luck with that plan, what a lucky guy…..cue red faces and getting off that plane quick as possible with their heads down……Whos gona be mr PLAN B?
Rod says
Hi Kate,
Thanks for the post, very thoughtful information in there. I’m trying to take your comments to heart, alongside some comprehensive retroactive jealousy reading, so that I can move past my hangups regarding my girlfriend’s past. As you can guess, so much easier said than done. It seems that now, more than anything, I struggle to reconcile the early months before I knew her past, and whether because I wanted it to be true or she genuinely gave me this impression, I assumed at that point a relatively chaste sexual history, exclusively (ok, maybe, like ONE exception) in dating contexts. It honestly came from how she exuded herself, personally, romantically, sexually, and even the way she spoke of the role of sex in her past (never found it all that satisfying, didn’t have it much in the end with her last ex, thought that us dating and me saying “we’re going to have a lot of “fun” together referred to hanging out and watching movies (ha!), “kosher” things, etc.) She just seemed so sexually… innocent. Turns out it wasn’t so… innocent. On the one hand, there were 7 non-romantic partners, which is straight up hard for me. But 2 were guys that she thought she SHOULD have sex with, as opposed to desire, if she expected a relationship with them (social pressures and expectations), 2 she CRIED in the middle, so they really don’t count, 1 she stopped and left in the middle so also doesn’t count. And then one long-term friend who was emotionally supportive when she was in a particularly vulnerable point, and then one really close long-term friend in a night of drunkenness who, it turned out, was secretly in love with her. Along with this, there’s a guy she did actually date briefly who she slept with the day they met, again because she thought she “should” for romance to blossom, more than lust, whatever you want to call it.
As you can see, there’s a lot of what you refer to as “best decision at the time”, as wrong as her perceptions were in some of these cases. If she could go back in time, I suspect only the 2 friends are the ones she truly WANTED to be with in the moment and the other 5 she’d make different choices. And the last example, I suspect she’d wait longer than day one and see if his intentions were truly romantic before having sex.
This is long, apologies for that… I really need to get over this, but still struggle, and let it keep me from moving forward full-fledged. I REALLY wish those 7 non-romantic were, like, 1. I could handle 1. I know I’m judging and I don’t know how to stop, it’s almost become OCD-like, how it lingers in my mind almost constantly, like the hum of a fridge. I don’t consider myself like many of the male-commenters, and don’t lash out at female sexuality or judge their “purity” or whatever it is, but nevertheless this aspect of her past weighs on me. Please help!
Kate says
Hi Rod,
The article was originally written by Bellaisa but she doesn’t write for us anymore so I’ve been taking over the commenting here.
Maybe it helps you to get over “the number issue” by trying to understand her better. What was her upbringing like? Are her parents divorced?
Girls who grow up without good role models and good family values may feel lost when they start dating. They have to learn from their own mistakes because no one has taught them better. Families play a major role in the development of human competence and character so if she wasn’t guided right when growing up, then she simply didn’t know any better.
Greg says
If you knew what you know now before you started dating, would you have started in the first place? That’s usually my advice to what you should do.
Greg says
Just want to say I have actually read through the whole comments and I have to give you lots of credit Lee for weathering the bombardment thrown against you!
Growing up, I was always the shy nerdy guy who couldn’t catch a break with women and I always remembered craving the attention of a girl. I never did any drugs, partying or anything irresponsible and was working hard to get good marks to go to university so I could make a good living and have some stability.
I finally got myself my first GF in my early twenties and I was a rather naive guy. Very trusting, supportive and loving and all that crap women say they want.
Anyway, I was with her for 2 years until one night when we were drinking having a good time she started rubbing my ass from behind and told me I’m the 2nd cutest guy she has ever had. I thought this was a rather strange thing to say to me since I have never mentioned anything at all to her about the past nor have I ever disrespected her by saying anything about other women because I assumed it was a courtesy you give someone you are in a relationship with.
When I asked her about it she was reluctant to talk about it but when I let it go I could tell she wanted to say something. Eventually she turned it into a fight as to why I wasn’t angry about her talking about a previous guy. I told her that she jumped down a few notches in my book and I was having second thoughts.
I should probably mention this was the year I was going to get masters degree and was starting to get some job feelers out for me. She was starting to get excited at the financial benefits I was soon to have and started to eagerly plan for a future.
As soon as I pointed out that I was very disrespted and disappointed in her she got all defensive and attacked me and gloated about all the other guys so it was no big deal, that week she went from being with 5 guys to 20 by the end of it.
That’s when I had my realization that it’s all about me and what I’m not comfortable with, her past is her past and the article is correct in pointing that out, but my future is my future and I have the right to be picky about who I allow in it.
Ever since her, I have lost my little chubby figure and started to build up a more muscular build and I have noticed the double standards of women as almost all the girls who couldn’t look at me merely 5-10 years ago for being not good enough suddenly feel entitled to tell me that thier mistakes should not be held against them?
I absolutely resent this whole attitude that people shouldn’t be held responsible for mistakes of their past and how we should all just forget when it’s convenient.
Lee, you are right on the mark about how they lie to get what they want and if it makes you feel any better buddy I have been going on a huge counter offensive for making up for my naive youth by using women for sex with the flaunting of my wealth (car/clothes) before dumping them off the side of the road like garbage the next day.
In the end, for all those guys who are on here asking what to do etc as someone who has been through all that.
If you are here asking this question and reading these comments, you know what you should do. Have some respect for yourself and don’t settle. There are nearly an infinite supply of girls in the world and the next better one is just around the corner, just keep looking for them.
nemo9813 says
@Greg…good on you for respecting yourself enough to say no…its what we say no to that defines us. “But my future is my future” thats a quote to live by.
As for women saying the past doesnt matter I wonder if they consider this, ex criminals are judged on the past & most reoffend, past stock market indicators are great indicators for the future performance, having a bad employment history tends to signal poor future emplyment history just ask a business owner… I could go on forever with many more examples but is’nt it funny that the ONLY thing that seems to buck this trend is a womans sexual past? Well thats what they tell us. Now this is facinating that its the only past indictator that ABSOLUTLEY cannot predict future performance?
FYI My sister has taught me about girl code, I thought it was a myth lol, heres a snippet of how it roles…she said if tell anyone im a deadman.
1)Dont admit sexual past ever, lie, always say 5-7 as general rule.
2)Make current man think hes the best in bed to keep him happy and then talk about the actual best ones behind his back to BFFs
3)Have hidden bank account encase it goes to shit
4)BFFs will know all about you in bed
5)They pretend to like your family.
6)Women will lie in order to protect kids and integrity of the relationship…your (mens) needs come last. My sis refers to it as “relationship management” when i catch her bullshitting to hubby.
7)Clothing is always brought at a “discount” to save of arguments see No6
8)They keep reminders of past exes and occasionally stalk them.
Dont ever expect pure honesty out of something that was raised to lie. Its a survival instinct.
nemo9813 says
Was out for dinner last night in Bali with my buddy Kat(not her real name), shes a lesbian but she has a group of expats GFs she hangs out with and we got chatting about all the above. I found it interesting that she said the women all stalk the manosphere sites. She said its because many have had their fun and are now late 20s looking for more but keep getting knockbacks except for sex and that they are worried that more men are wising up to there game of have fun when young then lie and act like betty home maker to secure a longterm relationship. They are well aware of getting passed over for the younger models once over 30 so I asked whats their plan then since more guys are wising up? she laughed and said “lie lie lie and lie somemore, its all they got really” but she said one potential tactic was to act all innocent in bed and doing exercises to seem more tight? WTF? they actually discuss this stuff ….So be warned guys, this is probably more common convo amongst women than we are privvy to, it shows that some are actively trying circumvent the attitudes of the manosphere with some interesting tactics. Never underestimate their cunning to secure what they want, especially the good looking ones.
Shameful says
Honestly. Men don’t deserve women. Not chaste women, not whorosh w0mem, not ex-whorish women. They best majority of you deserve to be alone. I notice that very little men commenting mentioned anything about hoq manu womem yoi soiled in your past.
For you information, sexual pasta for most women is not “fun.” Umfortumately, far too many selfish men for women to have fun. Most of the time women regret that crap and did it for something other than desire.
It’s tough being a good women who made a few mistakes. Hoonestly, if rather be alone then to ever be with anyone like most of you in this thread. Women are human beings, not possessions, angels, sluts, saints, etc.
I’m glad society brainwashed most women into believing they need a man otherwise most of you would be alone as you deserve. Date each other, please.
Mangalyaan says
Shameful,
Yep, that just proves that women don’t quite understand a man’s mind/brain. It is not about forgiveness, but mostly the issue of ” PAIN” that a man has to deal with. And I rather not!
If a man is happy single, why should he invite PAIN into his life through a woman that who knows might not really care for him..
Also I read many many posts written by married men, that their wives WILL not do those kinky things they used to do with her past lovers with their now husbands. Why is that? So, is a man supposed to feel great and empowered by that? Seriously, pathetic and shameful!
nemo9813 says
Forget it dude, the ones who fell for the feminists sexual lib stuff are a lost cause, just leave them be. Just be thankful we can go overseas and meet hot younger women who are feminine and virtuous. Myself and 5 other lads I know have foreign partners we range from 33-39yo prime marriage bracket in the west. Theyre dating 22-25yo women, mine is 20yo, great family too, love them all. This means 6 women in the west miss out on total 6 guys who earn between 120-185k per year and can vouch that atleast 2 of those guys are utter gentleman…one is a bit of a drinker and the rest of us are normal with the usual human flaws. Point is that so many of us men are just giving up on whats in our own backyard that we should really pity the leftover women, some are my friends, many of which statistically wont find a partner or have kids or worse, pick one of the not so desirable leftover dudes and end up miserable or a single mum. Im in Ubud and its shocking to see just how many lost and confused women are “trying to find themselves” or are burnt out “trying to have it all”….or attempting to create their own version of “eat pray love”….Many of the wests females are confomists and want us to conform to their liberal feminist ideals….but as some smart person once said, being antisocial and going ones own way may be a sign of intelligence in a world of conformity.
article says
Hey Kate,
Thanks for this article, it helped get some clarity on what I am going thru with my bf of 9 months.
Sometime after 4 or 5 months into dating(we were bf/gf by then), he asked me about my past which I always thought would not help any guy to know the # of guys I have been with etc. I blurted out because I felt pressured into sharing my past details and told him and told him that 2 of the most recent guys I dated before him I hooked up on 1st date bc at the time I was lonely and wanted comfort. This was something I never did in past and I felt like he started judging me right after I shared this. After months of loving everything about me and the way I was in our relationship, he still managed to judge me on my past that happened way before I even met him.
4 more months in, yesterday he tells me that he can’t make future trips with me at the moment because this past detail bugs him. He is struggling with understanding how I “managed to hook up and be intimate with someone after hours of knowing them”. I think my past is mistakes I made and ever since we started dating, everything else between us is great… we love/adore/respect eachother.
Do you think he will ever forget about my past and figure out a way to move forward? How can I help? He tells me that he is working on figuring out if he will ever let this go from his mind. Until this happens, I dont think we will be able to move deeper into our relationship and that worries me.
Do I let go of a guy who was great in all other ways but can’t seem to make a decision about my past and focus on what we are now and cherish those moments??
Kate says
I don’t know if he ever forgets about your past, there’s a strong possibility that it will continue to bother him. If he can’t make a decision, then you have no choice but to move on.
Joe says
Women just don’t get it , they never will again who wants to be with a women who has casual sex , how can a man feel that he is special or the relationships is special what is going on ? Iam a good looking man (so Iam told) Evette women I have been with I really cared for , I never had sex just because I was horny everyone of them had the potential to be a relationship but Iam friends with girls who you would think are a great catch that will sleep with just about any guy it amazes me when I here them talk about it it really turns me off and they are considered beautiful women and if they finally trick some guy into a relationship they talk about there sex life with them to there girlfriends, it’s horrible , guys never do that , never tell there guy friends about there sex with there girlfriends they would never want there friends to have a mental visual of there girlfriend, platonic girlfriends have introduced me to a new guy they were seeing on a night out and these girls have slept with a couple of guys in our circle of friends and the poor guy doesn’t know he is hanging out with guys that she slept with ( poor fool) if I mention it to them (my friends) they say so what it didn’t mean anything it was just a hookup I would tell them if they are planning to start a relationship with them maybe they should tell the poor guy ! There numbers are way more than mine , they could have a different guy every night of the week if they wanted and they do , these are beautiful intelligent women it makes me want to vomit
nemo9813 says
Well Joe…. they wonder why MGTOW is a growing lifestyle choice….will be interesting to see what plays out in the next decade. I dont ID as an official MGTOW/Redpiller especially the angry/militant ones but share some of their thoughts/realisations as do many other men I know which is why its very effective….its invisible. Their official numbers are dwarfed by the shear amount of men who think this way but would never publicly announce it to avoid the social/professional potential consequences of the conformist culture….hence the rise in articles about where have all the good men gone and why men wont commit…Its pretty obvious but no one seriously wants to address it as it would be career/political suicide. Given that 80% of consumer spending is by women I doubt the corps/media will risk profit by giving mainstream support but I dare say it will grow organically exponentially in the coming decade with serious consequences regarding culture and economics. The show has only just begun.
Geez says
Hey Kate,
Why do women always use the excuse of being lonely or desparate as a reason for wrong behaviour? N dont just own up to it?
nemo9813 says
Well Geez, I highly doubt Kate will bother answering as she probably knows her answer like any of the others from the mods will get pulled to pieces very easily. Its not in their nature to own up to personal failings, its much easier to play the victim and get your gfs to say you are wonderful. I think part of it is that they make many decisions in their private life using “feelings”. If they used their brains as much as feelings no man would get sex. Cognitive dissonance is wonderful thing.
Liz says
I’m scared noone will ever accept me and my past. I’ve never had sex, but I’ve given a bj to two guys in the past. I didn’t think guys would see this as a big deal. I messed up
sasha says
considering a precious woman like a woman who has virginity and that’s all is really very stupid and nonsense. a precious woman is a virtuous woman who values herself and able to be a loyal wife and a good mother, whether she had sexual experience or not. people who really understand the world and the nature of humans, know deeply that it’s really difficult to judge whether a person is Good or Bad. and judging a woman by looking between her legs to see if she’s virgin is the most stupid thing. all women are able to be precious woman by choosing to be or by changing so it’s really not fair to just classify women as ugly and good in terms of their past. why? because simply people DIFFER. people are not the same, and their ALL conditions aren’t the same. if all people lived in the same conditions and had the same factors they would probably act the same with 99.99%! and .. what is exactly the (past)? how many girls were victims of wars? you know what i mean. they are no more virgins! are they ugly and have past? how many girls had bad sexual experience in childhood and couldn’t grow up as healthy as others so they weren’t able to choose the best decisions in their emotional life? how many girls were just Innocent that (bad Men) had imposed them easily when the girls weren’t really knowing what they are doing? there are a lot of possibilities. it’s not easy to just say that this woman did this so she is this and that woman didn’t do this so she is this. this is nonsense and no one really smart enough will say something like this. yes there are women who keep choosing bad decisions till they reach to point where you can say they probably will not be good wives and mothers. even though you can’t be sure what exactly she will do after marriage? there are generally women like these but even though marriage is a partnership where (sex) is ONE of the other factors of success. this means you can’t just judge a marriage depends on that if the wife is virgin of not, there are a lot of things like her backgrounds other than sexual, her age, appearance, mind, way of thinking, her work, studying, her attitude TODAY, her character and so on. people do change and they can, all that is about attitude and behavior, and these two things are decisions and something people can control. that means you can’t say surly like if she did that yesterday she will do it tomorrow, cause maybe she had learned from her mistake and then she WANTED and DECIDED not to repeat. other thing is that who sleeps with women are men, if every man treated a woman like a lady and respected, she will probably never ask for sex, but most of men impose the girls and just talk to them to have their body without thinking about the girl’s feeling or innocence. if every male was a true man and respected himself, he would never impose a girl to justify his ###. and he would be responsible about the girl he claims that he loves her. but most males are rude enough to play with innocent girls and when they finish, they simply say we want a virgin wife. guess what? if you have damaged a girl be sure that will return to you someday, not because you have ### which made you a male that means your actions have no consequences. besides, virginity is something which can women get today with surgery or anything else, if you have lived with a girl who told you she is virgin, you can’t really be sure 100% that she says the truth! cause simply you didn’t live with her every minute in her past. so, girls, secrets make a woman woman, you don’t have to tell your partner about your faults and past, never tell him. because he will not benefit anything from that, be loyal to your husband if he deserves you and if you choose to be with him, and be honest about everything from the point you two choose to marry, asking the past life of yours is not his right and the same for you, even if you have to lie, then yes, lie, because he’s asking about something that is not his business because you are a wife and life partner not a SLAVE. if you lied about past it doesn’t mean you lied to him and your marriage is going to ruin, simply forget the past and do like it was never there, start a new life, make family, value yourself, be loyal to the new life only and keep your secrets to yourself, it’s your own world, no one has the right to dig your past if you didn’t give him a true reason to do so. because you are human not a salve. if you want to change, you can change, you can find a true man, choose to be valuable, and you can be loyal. i’m saying this not to encuorage women and men to make relationships before marriage, but only because not all women are the same, there and innocent who didn’t really know what they are going to do, there are victims, there are girls who are imposed, there are girls who had difficult conditions, there are girls who didn’t have someone to protect them from the bad men and from this harsh world, there are girls who didn’t have someone to teach them what to do and how to deal with such situations, if you were a true man you will be educated enough to think about this and to know this, just be human. i believe that a bad man with bad past will think in an ugly way about his wife and her past and will have doubts about that, because he will think all people are dirty like him. finally, i don’t encourage people to make relationships before marriage, women should be responsible about their bodies. AND MEN SO, YES, MEN ALSO HAVE TO RESPECT THEMSELVES AND BE RESPONSIBLE ABOUT THEIR BODIES, AND ALSO ABOUT OTHER WOMEN. but if someone didn’t know, or was victim in any way .. etc, our role is to accept them, give them hope, help them grow healthy and be better people, if yet, they choose not to go through the true path after all these and after knowing everything, then you can say they are not good be they have no excuse after all this. women, no single man in the world deserves your body for free. only let him do that if he really continued with you for long term, married you and has given enough evidence that he deserves you. otherwise value yourself. and yeah, if you did mistakes, or were victim, then, don’t worry, as long as you are alive, you have the hope, and the chance, you are a human not a machine. you can change, change yourself, stop doing the mistakes, learn from that, value yourself, HEAL yourself if you were victim, LET yourself grow, and never tell a person your secrets, remember: a secret makes a woman woman, being mysterious strong immature girl is much more sexier, if you are reading this now and you haven’t been told this before, then, take it from me and never forget: no single man in the world deserves your body for free.
sasha says
about lying, don’t worry, they will never know, and even if the know in future, simply don’t let a man humiliate you, if he is a true man, then he will be thankful to your loyalty for him, and to the person you are now.
Landrovar says
It is a pathetic piece of writing, beyond the realm of reality.
These thoughts will make life miserable for both.
nemo9813 says
Nice one Sasha, encourage lying. How about not marrying a guy who doesnt want a woman who has been around? by lying all you do is put your needs above the his values and if it were me id kick her to the street, I’ve done it before and I will do it again without hesitation.
Rob says
I think the author is a woman. Or. Man who did not experience what he is saying. That is why virginity is so important. But we are living in imperde
nemo9813 says
Our MGTOW group has grown 30% in just 4 months. More men are slowly waking up to female nature. Learning to professionaly trade crypto currency has freed me, MGTOW simply provided the platform to gtow. No resources shall be passed onto western women outside of family, least of all ones that have slept around.
Ricardo says
For all the guys/men who are stuck in this situation, let go of the woman in question in the sense that do not see any future with her. Get your needs met, enjoy the sex and other benefits with her as much as you can, I came to read this article two years ago, and made myself a promise I will let go of my then (to be) girlfriend, but not until I had enjoyed with her and found someone else whose past I was totally comfortable with. I would urge you guys to do the same, I learnt a lot about relationships in general, once I made her believe that her past no longer bothered me (even though it did, I just hid it from her). To be honest it’s great to be in a relationship, things become easier, you can share your day to day troubles and at the end of the day go to sleep satisfied, sexually. You wake up with a blow, which makes going through the day way more easier. You have someone to look after when you are sick. Now all this is really good AND worth it, even if you have this in back of your head that your girlfriends past is not something you approve of. Just remind yourself, she is just a placeholder. If someone knows about her past and laughs at you, laugh with them . Be selfish, all these perks are totally worth it, if you look past the fact that you have to associated with a woman of her character. Moreover, when you find the new girl you want to be with, you always have this excuse ready made, that your previous girlfriend wasn’t what you really expected in a woman 😉
In the meantime, talk to more and more girls, find out more about them until you find a girl whose past does not bother you. The best part of this is you won’t come across as “weird”, “creepy”, “needy”, “desperate” (throw in any adjective that woman are allowed to “diplomatically” judge men on). Just drop in the fact that you have a girlfriend in a way which is not suspicious, such as “I should leave I have to catch this new movie with my girlfriend”. Another benefit , or the most important benefit, is the woman in question would talk more about herself, as you won’t come across as judgmental (which is also what the article wants ;)). The main motive is for you to find a girl whose past you are comfortable with, and at the same time enjoy the perks of a relationship with the other woman whose past you are not comfortable with.
I did that and trust me I could not have been more satisfied and happy with how things turned out. Be selfish and good luck.
ps – Before I may get blasted on why did I do this? Look I do not have a problem with any woman having a lot of sex or exploring their sexuality or anything along those lines. Most of the guys only want to get into your pants, as many of you might be finding out now. How do I know that? I have seen many conquests and sexts and nudes in post football showers. Would I like to be with any such woman who is laughed at or showed off for being shagged in locker room talks? No freaking way. I am too proud to hang my head in shame in front of any other guy because hey he “banged” my girlfriend or fiance etc. So yes, it is my “ego”, “pride” or basically “my problem”, and I solved it the way I felt was best for me.
Carel Scheepers says
WHICH GROUP OF PEOPLE HAS THE HIGHEST DIVORCE RATE?
Promiscuous people who had numerous long term sexual relationships & lived together as a couple. . . . before finding the “One”
These people have NOTHING NEW & exciting to look forward to in married life . . . been there; done that.
Promiscuous women look for a RESPECTABLE PROVIDER . . . NOT a person they are sexually attracted to (yawn) . . . they quickly loose interest in sex . . . & the husband is trapped in a VERY unhappy sex starved marriage . . .eventually she leaves him & divorce-rapes him, because her impossible NEEDS are not met . . . it is impossible to meet the needs of a women that has had numerous sexual partners . . . you cannot possibly match all of the “best” that she had, in previous relationships.
Promiscuous men look for a WHOLESOME SEXUALLY INNOCENT woman. They also get sexually bored with her eventually . . . because they crave after the rush of new sex partners. Eventually they cheat on her, ruining her & the children’s lives
It is unfortunate that women have given up their societal role as “gatekeepers of morality” Women use to demand that young men grow up, get an education, become desirable & upstanding future husbands, & demand commitment from them, before giving into sexual advances.
FEMINISM . . the movement that killed healthy relationships !
The modern man-child gets sex on a platter, does not have to “work for it” There is NO INCENTIVE to start leading a respectable life . . . these men then start behaving like pigs . . . with a slew of sexually scarred & remorseful women, in their destructive wake.
These women “wake up” in their late twenties & early thirties, to find that their male partners do not want to settle down & marry ( no incentive; why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free??)
These emotionally sexually scarred women, then take all of their emotional issues with them, into their future marriages. A SURE recipe for divorce.
These women’s prime years are past & they have to compete with the next generation of younger (& more desirable girls) for men’s attention . . . After the rude awakening; they are shocked to learn, that many men wanted to have casual sex with them (false sense of worth) but very few men consider them to be “wife material” . . . the disillusioned women then has to settle for a beta, that she is not sexually attracted to, in the least . . . His sole FUNCTION is to PROVIDE for her & be a “sperm donor” for the children that she is CRAVING to have . . . poor schmuck is doomed to a life of “slavery” with a wife, that he never seems to be able to please. . . . eventually she divorces him, feeling guilty that she is dispensing her sweet, loving & kind husband . . . That she no longer “loves”
Or says
My problem isn’t the past mistakes since I have to be ashamed of many , my problem os the attitude to it!!
If my girl had told me some let’s say quite a bad story and she had told me that in a fun way or wouldn’t regret even a bit or at least say it was a mistake it would be a deal breaker!
Everyone does mistakes and it’s ok but if they claim it’s not an issue or no mistake or even would be proud of it until you put a mirror in their face that’s already the present!!
I would be the guy to comfort and cheer up no matter what but it has to be a confession and not a fun story.