I have an old article on HubPages called, “How Can I Find Love When I’m Scared To Approach Girls” and the other day I got a comment on it that touched me and I think will resonate with a lot of guys.
Basically, the article is about why it is a bad thing to let your fear of girls hold you back from finding love. The article doesn’t contain a lot of suggestions on how to become less scared, it just talks about the downfalls of having the fear. So, the comment I got from a guy is as follows:
As a person with mild social anxiety, this is really tough stuff. I can talk to women in a non-sexual context okay but when it comes to getting really deep and intimate or even playful with them, then (it is) really (a) struggle.
I used to have crazy bad social anxiety and I didn’t leave my house for 14 months once and missed out on a LOT of socializing with women (around age 18-19)
The friends I’d hang around with in school would always make jokes that I’d never get a girlfriend or be in a relationship and they were right.
They’d always rub it in my face when they’d easily get girls. I’m still a virgin at 23 and getting desperate to find love and have sex. Even the thought of asking a girl out who likes me is enough to give me a panic attack. I’ve been seriously considering paying for it.
The few times I’ve summoned up the courage to ask a girl out, they either flake out or do not respond to my messages. I get terrified at the sight of a woman in public and it shows in my body language and tone of voice. I also end up judging women and so they’re put off by me.
Don’t really know what to do with myself now.
My answer was as follows:
Sounds like you need to do things differently. Do you think that paying for it would give you more confidence with women or just an experience? That decision is up to you, but you don’t want to regret it if you get nothing out of it and feel uncomfortable the whole time. It could even work against you and lower your confidence with women even more. I suppose, though, it could work for you if you think you would become more confident from it.
Anywase, you know you judge women – so stop judging women. That is one thing you have completely control over right now. Read this – It may help.
And, you said you have only asked a girl out a few times. That’s not enough times to really understand what you are doing wrong and learn from it. If you were to give up on asking girls out, it would be like giving up on anything you’ve only tried a few times…which you would probably not do for most things, right?
Don’t live in the past. So you missed out on some younger years to be awkward around women (which almost all guys are at that age). You have a chance to be awkward around women right now! Yay! Being awkward is how you learn. Each time you get rejected, learn why and use that information in the future. The more rejected you get, the more you learn, the less you make the same mistakes, and the more confidence you gain.
In the end all you can really do is try and be yourself. As long as continuously learn as you go, and develop stronger, better habits around and with women, then you will eventually find a woman. It’s going to be uncomfortable. It is outside your comfort zone! But the more you do it, the bigger your comfort zone will get and the less panic will set it.
Also, don’t get caught up in the ‘I’m a virgin’ thing. So what.
As an afterthought, I was thinking about the virgin thing. If you are a virgin, it can be hard because other people can judge you as inexperienced and possibly as though there is something wrong with you…but those are just judgments, they are not fact. So don’t let other people’s judgments affect how you feel about yourself and affect whether or not you go out and try to meet women, get more confidence, and experience the happiness you want.
